Overwhelmed

[Muppet]

Hi

 

New to all this

- have given him the ultimate - divorce if you don't stop - of course he wants to stop, is he addicted I suppose (I don't know but it has been going on FOR A LONG TIME)

- after 33 years and 25 years married together - MUPPET that is me it seems - I knew things were wrong and constantly asked him but he would never admit but now I have found proof and only then did he admit - how horrible is that - years of him doing it and me unsure thinking things were not quite right between us and swinging between that and what a lovely hubby he was (all so false to me now, my whole married life seems to have been so false and based upon a lie) everything is so surreal.....

and now finally he has HAD to admit and he made ME SAY THE WORDS - I am devastated, any advice would help right now

Thanks

 

[E]

Hi there. I'm so sorry you are finding out after such a long time. But you are certainly not a muppet!

I am going through a similar thing right now and again, found out (having suspected for a long time) and confronted him a few months ago, but it didn't stop. Now i have discovered he carried on, got caught yet again, he has finally admitted there is a problem when 3 months ago, he used every excuse in the book including "well it was over between us anyway" or "I just dont believe in monogamy" etc. Ultimately one thing I know is sure: this is not my fault. This is not your fault either.

Its my understanding, from all the research I have done into partners going through this, that there is nothing you can say or do to change the behaviours, ultimatums don't work and the only way this can move forward now is for him to accept his problem and actually do something about it, get some help as soon as possible. You can't force an addict to change, only they can decide.

For your own part, you need to be selfish and either take yourself away for a while, or if not possible, ask him to. If neither of those are possible, at least focus on yourself now. Constantly checking on him, being anxious all the time can only serve to make things worse. For me, we are having a 3 month break whilst he gets some help. Its left me in a massive financial hole, but its better than living like I was, feeling isolated and constantly nervous. Some days it doesn't feel that way, but one day at a time.

It might be an idea to seek some counselling for yourself. It really helps. Only you can decide what is right for you and your future. But it takes some time to figure that out and what your boundaries are going forward.

E

 

[Muppet]

HI E

Thank you for your response, sorry you are going through it too..

All that you say makes sense and I have done some research myself and hubby and I have spoken about the future. Of course this is very hard but as you say the decision to quit has to come from him (which is what he is saying right now, yes he will quit) but I don't think it will be as easy as he thinks it will - like all men they don't really want to face big issues, especially when it involves them. But some credit to my hubby who is trying to do something about this problem and that has to be a good start, even talking about it is hard for him

I am going to insist he speaks to a professional though as I can't be his sounding board over this and I think a male needs to talk to a male. I don't think I will do that for me though - once I know where this is all going I will either be in or be out of this marriage and if it ends with me being out then sobeit.

I don't know about the future - as I say - everything seems so surreal at the moment and I am nervous and anxious and under pressure with all this - coping just about and because he had an emotional affair a year or so back with a work colleague (linked to the addiction of course - which I didn't know was linked at the time but do know now after having done more research into this addiction) - we worked through that problem and I thought were doing very well ! (hence the muppet name) because I then got hit with this on top - a double whammy....more lies and deceit - so horrible

So he is very much on a dodgy wicket now as I sincerely have had enough of being treated so disrespectfully and as I type this I am realising just how much cr..p I have had to deal with by his hand but my marriage vows say 'for better or worse' and an addict needs help I guess - so depending on the direction of the wind the pendulum swings back and forth - I guess at some point in the future something will give or not and things will improve or not

 Thank you for your advice 

Muppet

 

 

 

[Muppet]

HI

I realise I was very low yesterday - so sorry for spilling over

- the good news is that hubby has taken his first steps to getting help so that is very positive and I am encouraged by his attitude at wanting to get this fixed once and for all

- hopefully looking at the reasons behind the addiction will be the key here and that is what this website is all about - changing the thought patterns re this horrible subject and addiction to it....things are already making sense to him now (ie why he does/did it) and this will definitely help him to give it up which I am confident he can now do with more help of course.

Thank you for this supportive site - it has really helped us, small steps I know but hopefully all positive ones...

Muppet

[PJ]

Hi M

I am recovering from the addiction, pretty much free since going on an intensive with Paula a year ago.

A few thoughts from the addicts/man's side.

1. You are no muppet.  Addicts are very skilled at keeping things secret.  They do that because they hate what they are doing, it makes them feel awful, they don't know where to go for help, think they can manage it, go back to it when they feel down or defeated and it carries on.  Many don't want to hurt their spouses and so keep it secret, thereby unwittingly reinforcing the addiction cycle.  You are no muppet - you have been deceived by someone who has become very good at deception.  

2. My wife, didn't know anything until I told her - at that point I had not 'acted out' for a month having made a clean break on Paula's course.  She was totally devastated and disorientated.  She helped herself (and me) by being uncompromising.  She set some clear boundaries - she kicked me out of the bed, and would have kicked me out of the house if circumstances had allowed, for a couple of weeks (and it would have been for longer if it hadn't been for the kids etc), and forbid any idea of sex for 3 months.  She took off her wedding ring etc.  The signals were clear and uncompromising.   

3. We talked lots and lots.  She read lots and lots, got help from forums etc - you aren't alone and will find a whole community out there who has been/are in the same situation as you.  She found a counsellor for partners (through Paula) who gave her some good advice.  We began a journey and we are a year in.  One thing that really helped was radical honesty.

4. This is not your fault.  Sure none of us our perfect and no marriage is perfect, but many in similar situations others don't turn to inappropriate/secret sex to comfort themselves and he didn't need to either, he had other options and choices.  He took the wrong ones.

5. There is hope.  You and your marriage can survive.  You are on a journey.  We are a year in and in many ways our marriage is better than it has ever been - for many reasons but probably one of the main ones was that before I was emotionally absent and had been most if not all of our marriage.  I am not now.

I hope that helps.

 

[Muppet]

Hi PJ

Thank you for your message, much appreciated.

Helpful to have a male perspective on this. Your honesty helped too, thank you.

We will get through this I am sure, we are and have always been a 'strong team' but it will take the time it takes and love/patience will be required to see it through to the end - a long road I guess - early days for us.

You mentioned 'Hope' - I cling to this fragile word.

Huge respect to you for doing so well with your addiction and to your exceptional wife - treasure her she is a gem...

Muppet

 

 

[Guest]

No muppet at all. Why would any of us think this is going on in our own lounge/dining room. An otherwise respectable man with a good job, nice manners etc.

It is devastating, only if your in this situation can you fully understand. I, like you have been married many years and was dumbfounded when I realised what was going on. Whats makes it worse now is that at one time the images were just on his computer. Not anymore, now there on his tablet and smart phone too. He had discs hidden in the bedroom with thousands of images on. I snapped them in two but he can just go back on the Internet and burn more.

It's good to talk anyway. 

Take care x