Will he ever want sex with me again?

[Nicola]

My husband of nearly 30 years has an addiction to prostitutes. I only discovered the true extent of his addiction earlier this year. 

He was neglected as a child and craved live and attention. When he was 18 he had his first experience with a sex worker. From that moment he was hooked.

When we married I was aware that he had used prostitutes in the past, but I didn’t see it as an issue now that we were building a future together. Over the years there were incidents of him using pornography, which didn’t alarm me. He the moved on to chat lines and spent thousands of pounds, so I laid down the law and demanded that it stopped. My husband works away from home a lot and would never have a joint bank account, so had a free rayne most of the time.  

13 years ago I discovered that he had been buying hundreds of pounds worth of flowers. I racked my brain trying to figure out birthdays and anniversaries, nothing added up. I confronted him and he spun me a story which didn’t add up. I accused him of seeing someone else he denied it at first and then admitted to a fling which had ended. These were all lies. I discovered that the fling was a prostitute and not the only one. I was devastated. He assured me that nothing like this would happen again, I foolishly believed him. There were then more chat rooms, which I put a stop to again. After years of me trying to repair the damage that he had caused our marriage I thought things were getting better. After snooping through his bank and phone last summer I discovered that he had returned to using prostitutes again. Again I was an emotional mess, devastated and hurt. Into the mix we now had intimacy anorexia and him using poppers. We went to marriage guidance and hypnotherapy. I don’t know what he was expecting to achieve from that. Throughout the years I had kept his dirty secret from family and friends. We split for a while and he led me to believe that we could put all this behind us. 

Earlier this year he started drinking heavily and one night got so drunk he went straight to a local brothel (without disabling find a friend in his phone). At this point our grown up children could now see where their father was by themselves. I told them everything, he’d left me with no option. He left the house the next morning saying he wanted a divorce. He continued to contact me and I’ve talked, he admitted he had used prostitutes since befor our marriage and thought the 39 years together. He’d spent in excess of £300,000 over the years and it was out of control. By this point he was up to his neck in debt, had depression and was suicidle.  He asked for help so I agreed to fund residential rehab for 1 month. Since then Which is over 4 months ago I believe he hasn’t used a prostitute, he’s attended NA & SLAA meetings. He did upto step 3 in rehab and has let it slip  

He tells me he loves me but can’t have sex with me. I feel so unloved, unwanted and unattractive. I crave the intimacy of a healthy marriage. Will this ever change?  

Id like to hear from anyone who has a similar experience. 

[Kate2018]

Hi Nicola I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been through, wow you have put up with a lot haven't you but that's love I guess. Men with porn and sex addictions struggle with intamacy big time it's not you it's him he used sex workers as there doesn't need to be any emotion from him from my experience it's a fear of being in a loving vulnerable relationship and for him sex workers porn etc is just the chemical reaction of the addiction he craves to feel normal it's a vicious cycle. Have you sought individual therapy? You can get help through  psychosexual service it's free I was referred by another therapist not sure what area it is in https://www.national.slam.nhs.uk/services/adult-services/psychosexual/

I'm in a real mess at present I can't cope really struggling with it all but you sound like your very strong, stay strong and look after you x

[Nicola]

Hi Kate,

thank you for your message and the link.  Nearly 3 months on from my post. We’ve both been seeing separate therapists for a couple of months. 

Think the outcome is we’re toxic together. I do still

love him dearly, but the bickering and arguing is killing us both. We’ve agreed to see the year out together. 

You sound in need of someoto talk to. Are you ok?

[Kate2018]

Hi Nicola thank you so much. Like you things have been pretty horrific but we're having a good week. It's strange how it's going great one minute then back on the crazy train. I have a therapist now which is good but it's all been a huge shocy to my system and the pain it causes is unbelievable. I'm in a stuck place at the moment I keep going around in circles,! But better than previous weeks thank you. I hope you and your hubby can get through this x

[May]

Hi both, 

As someone who found out my partner was a porn and sex addict nearly 7 months ago now I just wanted to say I totally understand how you're feeling and have been/go through the same emotions. I can't say my advice is right but just wanted to share some things I've found to be helpful in case it helps you too.

I haven't made any decisions about my relationship either way yet but I'm focussing on my own self care and giving myself time. Triggers, upsets, arguments will come out of nowhere and floor you emotionally, but looking after yourself at other times can help you deal with these times and recover from them more quickly. Do whatever you need to do to take pressure and expectations off yourself, give yourself some space. For me at the moment that's wanting more time apart and not going to family functions where I have to pretend everything is fine (only some of his family know our situation). You also need to see from your partner that he's willing to work on himself by going to therapy, and on the relationship, by learning about the partner's experience, recognising the importance of couples counselling etc. Frustratingly it will take time for the latter, but don't put yourselves through all this if he's not willing to work on himself or the relationship. 

With regards to sex and intimacy it's not something I've been able to give much thought to... we're just not there yet. He clearly has a lot to work through and I don't know how this will all end up for us. But it is important, as you are doing, Nicola, to work out what you want and value in that domain. You'll have to decide if you're willing to wait the time it may take your partner to be in anywhere like the same place as you are when it comes to being able to have an intimate relationship, and if you want to take the risk of finding out how long that will take and if you'll be on a similar page when you get there. Wait if you feel it's the right thing to do but don't sacrifice yourself and your right to a loving, honest relationship too much xx