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Paula Hall

Someone who understands

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Hi All,

Welcome to our forum where we aim to give support and advice, not just to people with addiction, but to partners as well.  We understand how totally devastating it is to discover your partner is addicted to sex or pornography.  The shock can feel almost completely overwhelming.  Please do use these boards as a source of support.  As well as responding to others, our moderators and therapist team are also here to help you. 

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Hi Paula, 

I have made a few posts on this forum and find them very helpful but would really appreciate your advice . I found out in 2016 that my husband was watching porn to help him masterbate. I was absolutely shocked, of course the usual questions why? When? Where?why? Why? Why? Why?

He told me I was making a huge deal from something that all men do, that I wasn't there for him, that I was working nights, that I was making him out to be seedy man who was on it all the time ect ect. After hearing all of this I felt he was lying to cover up so yes I started looking at his Web history.  It took months as I wasn't very computer savey at the time.

It was in march 2017 that I found out the extent of his porn addiction???????

It went back 20 years (married 22 years). I can't even explain the pain......I went to him with this and of course there was denying, blaming, it must have been someone else using his account ect. Eventually he admitted and accepted and said he didn't realise it had become such an issue. He ended up coming out of work because he was so depressed and disgusted with his behaviour and who much it had traumatised me. He deactivated all of his accounts and we set up a joint email  ( all his idea ).

He promised that this would never happen again and he couldn't express enough how sorry he was. Following this I found myself catching him looking at more women than he ever did, I did some more reading on this and found that he was still looking for that dopamine rush. We spoke about this and he became aware of what he was doing and how it was so upsetting for me.

I know that I can start telling you about all my insecurity, trust, believe issue's and that every day is still a struggle and do I stay and try to save my marriage or am I being a fool to ever believe him again.

He will not go to speak to anyone as he is so embarrassed but he did start reading a recovery help site (because I asked him to?). He was doing well with it but has come to the point now where he is reading about making imature decision,being selfish ect and has got very angry saying that this is not him and he feels that it wasn't an addiction as he was able to stop with no problem. 

He is doing everything he can to try and make our marriage work I know but sometimes I think it's my fault now for where we are as the pain is just so much to deal with, some days I can't even look him in the eye and it takes everything I have to speak to him with any bit of respect. It breaks my heart to see him so crushed by this but will I ever be able to trust him again and love him the way I used to.

Broken hearted.......

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