Jump to content

Husband a sex addict but with men


Ruby
 Share

Recommended Posts

How and where do you begin to even comprehend the horror and utter devastation of finding out the man you've been with for 20 years has been having encounters with men during all of that time? I have never ever written on a forum before but I am in so much pain - or at least swinging between pain and intense anger - that I am hoping someone can understand a little of what I am going through. I guess I'm reaching out to ask, has this happened to anyone else and how di/are you coping?

I had absolutely no idea he was doing this and he did not suddenly confess. It gets worse.....one of our children saw an app called Grindr I think, on his phone and confronted me about it. I didn't even know what it was never mind  why it was on his phone!

Needless to say they are now reeling as much as I am although I haven't actually confirmed what he has been doing to them. I don't have the words and don't believe they deserve to have the burden of knowing they have a father that has done this.

He is having counselling and his counsellor told him to recommend to me I read books about being a partner of a sex addict. That was another blow because when it first came to light what he'd been doing he said it was related to a very short spell of childhood abuse and what the male abuser had instilled into him.  He says its only ever been masturbation with other men.....not sure whether that's supposed to make me feel better or not.  I've read a couple of very good books for partners of sex addicts but many seem to feature men who are addicted to sex with  other women or look at pornography involving women.

Now my husband refuses to talk any more about it. He claims his counsellor has told him that further disclosure will only hurt me even more and its time to move ahead. His counselling seems to be focussing on the trauma caused by the abuse which I appreciate is much needed and very good for him. However I cant even begin to think about 'moving ahead' until I know all of what he did. I feel as if I am on shifting sands, a place of dark shadows where every tiny shred of new information sets me right back - I've already realised he's told me one or two lies during the very basic disclosure he did give.

We see to be at an impasse. He wont talk any more about it and says we should focus on rebuilding the marriage and not look backwards as its destructive. I cant move forwards when there is still so much I need to know before I can even think about forgiving him or trusting him

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh Ruby, dear! Your situation sounds so very painful and i am so sorry to hear you have been hit with such horrendous discovery. Although my husband  has been acting out  with women I know that at least on two occasions there was another man present as well.  He says it was only to observe his performance.... (I feel sick!) It is impossible for my brain to digest it and I have stopped trying to do that. All I need to know is that he has a problem, that he acknowledges he has a problem and that he is actively working on recovery. 
One thing I can not recommend strongly enough is to be careful what questions you are asking because once you know that information, you are suck with it and it can be much more damaging than useful. I now truly regret knowing  some things. And I understand that in the beginning you are just hurting so much that you think nothing else will hurt me more, i just need to know... Therapeutic disclosure might be the least damaging way for you to have answers to your questions.
As for 'not looking backwards' bit, it makes me so angry!! My husband often says that, 'why cant we just move forward?, why cant you stop looking back?'. And I feel like screaming 'Why couldn't you stop for all those years? Why coudn't you!!!'
You are not alone Rudy, sadly there are many beautiful, successful, once joyful and happy women whose lifes has been torn apart by sex addiction. Take care of yourself, do what is right for you, take one day at the time. It's a long journey to recovery but there is a recovery. Love and hugs.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you very much Vava for your kind words. How did you decide what was right to know and what wasn't? I am feeling that having little ort no knowledge is killing me. I imagine so much and feel even more anxious when he refuses to talk more.  How long have you been trying to recover as it were?

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Ruby.

I am not in the same position as you, and can only begin to imagine what you must be going through, but I thought sharing my experience may be helpful for you.  I discovered just over three years ago that my partner's interest in porn (which I had known about since we were first together as teenagers) had grown to the point where it was an addiction.  I also found out that many of the sites he was visiting involved gay porn, violence and incest.  We have been together for more than 40 years, and I would never have believed that he would find any of those things appealing or arousing.  

As I say, this is quite different to finding out that your partner has been meeting men.  But I have spent a lot of time thinking about how much I need or want to know about my partner's addiction, and you might find that useful.  Vava is right that once your partner has told you something, you're stuck wth it, and you have to find a way of living with that knowledge.  It is also true that (in my case at least) the things you imagine can be worse than the reality.

What worked for me was:

1. To take my time and to think clearly and as calmly as possible about what I needed to know in order to feel safe and in control.  I tried to make it about information I needed, and not about making him suffer by having to 'reveal all' (although that was a tempting thought).

2. When I decided there was something I needed to ask my partner, I rehearsed what I wanted to ask, and chose a time when I felt strong enough to have the conversation (I tried not to ask difficult questions when I was upset or tired or just plain pissed off with the whole situation).  

3. I gave myself time to think about his answers - if they didn't ring true, or if I felt or thought he was dodging a question, or fudging the truth, then I asked again and again until I thought I'd got a genuine answer.  Often his answers made me uncontrollably angry or incredibly sad, but I always tried to walk away from him to process all of that on my own.  Early on, I decided that I had the right to honest answers to all my questions, and that our marriage would not survive if I didn't get that honesty.  

4.  If you can, find someone to talk to about what your partner tells you - maybe a counsellor, or a very close and trusted friend.  We have all found ourselves in an incredibly lonely place and it is easy to end up replaying every conversation and every disclosure over and over again in your head until you can't think about anything else.  I found I needed to get it out of my head, either by talking to someone else, or sometimes just be writing it all down.

I also agree with Vava that it just isn't possible to 'stop looking backwards' - we can't rewrite the past, so we have to find a way of living with it.  That's a tough one, and one I am still struggling with.   But many people are able to move on and rebuild their relationship together (if that's what you decide to do); others decide to call it a day and move on alone.  My partner and I have stayed together, and I am (after three years) beginning to feel confident and in control again.  It took a lot of tears and a lot of misery, but we are getting there!  Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.  Stay strong!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m beginning to realise I’m not alone in this horror and I’m so saddened to hear of others experiences. You sound incredibly strong and brave and I only hope I can get there. 

I need the disclosure to know that there is no more to the horror of all this. I appreciate what you’re saying and understand it. Maybe I’ll feel like that in time but now his refusal to share and answer my questions is just pushing me farther away from him as I wonder what else he’s done and what sort of a person I’m really married to. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Ruby in that I want to know everything rather than imagine it. Also to see who it is I am married to. I wrote four pages of questions down and let him read them first. Then we sat down and went through them one at a time.

i didn’t get all the answers I wanted so there are still more. I think writing them down stops the anger to an extent so that the conversation is calmer and you are in control. I still have to find out exactly what my husband had watched. So far I know it involves Asian girls having sex. We lived in Asia for many years and the sex industry was always very much on our doorstep.  When I ask for details he says he can’t remember. Sadly this may be true as he suffered a brain virus last summer which has affected his memory. But it may also be a good excuse and a way out for him. However, I need to keep asking the questions until I am happy that I know what I need to know.  The worst thing for me is that I have been living in a sexless marriage for many years.... he blamed me because I had an affair 35 years ago! How sad is that? I was 30.

look after yourselves girls. Xx

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Pippa,

 

I just came across this board.

 

I totally understand what you are going through.  I have been there.  My husband acted out 4 different times with 4 different men in a gay massage parlor.  I remember the utter shock of finding out last winter.  We have been married 25 years, and he kept his porn addiction a secret all this time.  It would take a long time to post my entire story here right now, but I wanted to share this with you.

I raged, cried, cursed, and had a burning image in my mind for weeks after I found out.  I was sick for months! I also met another partner who's husband did the same thing.  Unfortunately, I have lost contact with her.

I did find out in my research that:  porn addiction is progressive, sometimes to weird acting out behavior,  Betrayal Trauma can cause PTSD, something happened in the Porn Addict's childhood to cause the addiction, there are support groups for us partners, there are specialized counselors that deal with Betrayal Trauma in partners.  Here are some suggestions:  The website: Your Brain on Porn/the book: Is Your Husband Gay, Straight or Bi.  Many married men with the addiction have been with men.  I know it's sick---I am totally not justifying what they did.  I have categorized what my husband did in a "sick" category.  That's not the only gross thing he has done.  I will address that some other time. A lifetime of gross stuff.  

If anyone had told me that at my age,  and being married to  "The Best Thing that Ever Happened to me", my "Rock", that I would be on these boards, I would have fallen down laughing.

There is so much more to my story, but it is really long.

We both are in counseling---I do not know where our marriage will go from here--We live like roommates.  He has taken a polygraph, we have had our disclosure.

The initial shock will wear off--what helped me is to sit in my car and call him every low down name in the book, write even if it makes no sense, counseling, /when I was raging and thinking I was going to have a stroke, deciding he was not worth it to damage my health.

Do anything you can to take care of you.  I was in a fog for about 6 months, and am finally coming out of it now,

I hope that helps.  When did you find out?  Are you in the US or the UK?

Take care.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you Ter  and Pippa. I’m sorry to realise so many other women are suffering, albeit in different ways. Your thoughts and advice are really helpful. I’m going to start counselling this week as I know I can’t get through it alone   I too am raging and feeling  a deep grief I think for the loss of the husband I thought I’d had for 20 years. A person is still there in front of me who looks like my husband but isn’t really is he? I think the one big thought I can’t get round is why would someone who supposedly loved me, write his own beautiful marriage vows, is the father of our children, would deceive and betray us in such a devastating way?  I have disliked people over the years and at times briefly wished them ill but never ever have I wanted to wreak such damage and harm.  Has anyone else managed to come to terms with that ? 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Ruby,

I know what you mean--the loss of the husband you once had.  I felt like I was living with a complete stranger after I found out.  It took me two years to even trust him when we first got married.   My friends would say Oh you don't have to worry about him being unfaithful to you.  My soft spoken, kind hearted, quiet husband had become a monster to me.  Some days, I look at him and still get triggered at how he has destroyed our marriage and me.  How for the last 8 months I have been in some kind of a fog--everyone else is enjoying life, and I'm lucky if I can make it through the day doing the basics in life.  And like you, I wondered how he could do this to me if he loved me.  What was he thinking when he did this?  What has helped me is learning that an addict actually is not thinking.  Their frontal lobe in their brain shuts down.  I am understanding that more and more intellectually, but emotionally it's not working.  I feel there was that little voice saying you know this is wrong.  But he chose to do it anyway.  Hope that helps.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

I have been trying to move forward, hence not writing on here for a few weeks. But then it all comes crashing back. I am having counselling in and its helping to learn to be me. I have made only one strong decision - with the help of the counsellor - and that's to no longer tolerate his outbursts, his childish behaviour and self-indulgent self pity and playing the victim routine. If I don't like something he says or does now, I say so, politely calmly firmly and then walk away. So that's a small but important step.

But how do I begin to rebuild and have faith when it's impossible to have a meaningful conversation with him?  How can I put any trust or effort into rebuilding a marriage when I don't know if the truth of what he's done will bring it all crashing down again and wreck it for a second time? I don't think I could go through that again - I don't have the emotional strength or will.

I have avoided asking for details of his horrendous past activities as that's a complete non-starter; instead I have tried to ask about triggers, about what changes he is making to his life and outlook to stop him going back to his old ways. Even that results in angry defensive comments and him making totally inappropriate accusations and comments. You see, to me, if I cant see what he is doing to be different - in thought and deed, how do I know he is?

Agreed, he is more pleasant and trying to be more appeasing and congenial which is good and welcomed. But fundamentally, he wont talk about what he's done and how and its been going on for so long and nor will he talk about what he's doing to stop it happening ever again. He says telling me even the tiny, but devastating details he has is a huge relief for me and he wants to move forward and rebuild. Its almost like he feels as if now he's admitted it in principal and is going for counselling to address the trauma of the childhood abuse, it's all ok. Don't need to talk about the detail, lets just move on.

I do want to move on and try to rebuild but not like this. How can you rebuild a marriage when you've no idea of the foundations you're building on?

Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do please?  And has it worked?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On ‎7‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 12:16 AM, Ter said:

Hi Ruby,

I know what you mean--the loss of the husband you once had.  I felt like I was living with a complete stranger after I found out.  It took me two years to even trust him when we first got married.   My friends would say Oh you don't have to worry about him being unfaithful to you.  My soft spoken, kind hearted, quiet husband had become a monster to me.  Some days, I look at him and still get triggered at how he has destroyed our marriage and me.  How for the last 8 months I have been in some kind of a fog--everyone else is enjoying life, and I'm lucky if I can make it through the day doing the basics in life.  And like you, I wondered how he could do this to me if he loved me.  What was he thinking when he did this?  What has helped me is learning that an addict actually is not thinking.  Their frontal lobe in their brain shuts down.  I am understanding that more and more intellectually, but emotionally it's not working.  I feel there was that little voice saying you know this is wrong.  But he chose to do it anyway.  Hope that helps.

Hi Ter

You asked if I was in the UK or the US? I am in the UK. I just wondered how you were doing ? Are you still in the fog you talked about and have you managed to come to terms with the question of "how could he do this if he loved me?"  Im still struggling with that one big time!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Ruby,

Sorry it's taken so long for me to reply.  We are on vacation, on a road trip, and I somehow twisted my back last week and have not been on line in a while.

I'm doing ok, thanks.  I believe the fog has lifted finally.  About a month ago, it's like everything began making sense to me: His addiction is a sickness, he has had it most of his 70+ years!  And I need to take care of ME!  This last year has been pure hell for me--I've lost a year of my life, while he probably feels great that he doesn't have to keep the secret anymore.  So I have been doing what I want to do for my healing.  A few things that have helped me are: his one year sobriety date was August 24th.  I am trying to believe he has not done any porn, etc. (He will have another polygraph in October), he has been in therapy for a year and also attends an SA group every week and has found one where we are vacationing, which he is at now.  A few times I've actually put myself in his place and decided I would not like to be in his shoes with such an addiction.  When the therapists say recovery takes 3-5 years, that's exactly what they mean.  At first, I thought oh he will go to therapy, I will go to therapy, we will go to marriage counseling and things will be just great!  It's not that way at all.  He has been sober but he is far from recovered.  He's trying in little ways, but has a long way to go (not being so quiet, initiating conversations with me, etc.) .   I don't think I'll ever get over his acting out with men, or his deceiving me for over 20 years, by watching porn and all the other gross things he did on-line.  I finally stepped back and saw how this trauma has affected me and decided I would not let him do this to me.  I hope that makes sense and helps a little.  I also attended a 12 week betrayal trauma support group which helped and I'm still in individual therapy and we are in couples therapy.  From what I have read and what my therapist has shared with me: The first year is crazy and traumatic for the partner, the second year starts to settle down if both the addict and partner work hard and the third year things move on.

May I ask how long ago you found out?  Are you and your husband in therapy?

Looking forward to your reply.

Hugs,

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Hi. We are on the brink of a therapeutic disclosure process. At long last. I’ve written scores of questions but I’m damned sure I won’t get answers to all of them. We are still trying to make it work but something has definitely died in me as far as the marriage is concerned. I’m not sure if we will get through it and maybe once I know the truth I won’t want to go on.  It’s taken 7 months to get here and it’s been a dreadful 7 months all in all. I also feel the counselling he’s getting which isn’t with a specialist SA counsellor isn’t really helping us. It’s addressing some of the reasons he says are responsible for his devastating activities but it’s no where near helping us. Can’t help thinking that’s not right.  It seems to be widening the gulf not trying to resolve it. 

Edited by Ruby
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh Ruby I'm so sorry to hear this just read your July post how devastating for you . A sa specialist is a must it could really help if you can both find one. Me and my husband have separate therapy with different sex addiction therapists not very far in but there's definitely an understanding from mine this far. I'm glad to hear your at disclosure I realise this is dreadful but it may give you what you need to move on together or apart. I'm no where near only2 months in and it's hell so I can understand I guess you've had a double blow with it being men that your husband has acted out with and I'm really sorry and sympathise x. I've been reading Paula's book I'd very much recommend it and sheri keffers book. Keep us posted good luck and hope things go as well as can for you 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Kate.  Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear you’ve also been put in such a dreadful position. I was going to write that I’m sorry you’re also a victim but then I thought about it and wondered whether or not that’s what we are ?  Yes it’s hell and yes it’s sonething I never ever ever thought I’d be a part of but I’m not sure if I’m a victim.....hmmm. Anyway I agree Paula Halls books for the partners and the perpetrators are really good and I’ll also try the other you recommend. I find those that have an overly religious theme or tone off putting - at least for me as I’m not remotely religious in any way.  I do have a SA therapist who is amazing but at the start of this we didn’t know such a thing existed and so my husband sought help from a counsellor specialised in childhood abuse. We thought that was the right way forward to be fair. We didn’t make the link to SA at all then. It came later. However I think now, whilst the therapy is I hope helping him come to terms with what’s buried deep from childhood, nothing seems to come from it to help the ‘us’ in all of this. It makes me despair that he’s 7 months into therapy and I see no concrete evidence or demonstration of how it is helping him to take responsibility for what he’s done, be accountable and help us as a couple rebuild. So I’d say as a warning to anyone faced with an SA partner, finding the right support is vital.  At least he’s now coming to the disclosure part with my SA specialist so maybe there’s hope. 

Two months in ......I can remember that time and even then wanting to know every detail from the off  and being ‘hit’ on a daily basis with waves of anger despair and  then oddly, revelation about something which at the time I hadn’t been able to fathom. It might have been an explanation for where he’d been or a timing that didn’t quite fit with what he’d said he was doing which didn’t quite add up.  Another was people saying they’d seen my car in a location thst I knew wasn’t me and shouldn’t have been my husband that I puzzled about and then shrugged off. Little instances at the time but now of course I realise why. He was out finding it meeting men. There was a point when I actually considered I may have early onset dementia as these instances got me so puzzled and I told my husband I was considering going to see my GP about it. Even that didn’t stop him .  

Being only a few months ahead of you on the journey I may not really be in a position to help but what I can say is focus on you and your needs and those if your children if that’s applicable. I have started to concentrate on parts of my life that don’t involve him but where I can be strong and find focus away from the horror, even if only for a short while . I’ve started to do more exercise, take my dogs on walks in places that are open and I can see for miles and breathe! I go to talks and concerts and things I wouldn’t have done before -   it’s helping me a lot . My children get a lot more of my attention now as well because I want them to know my love for them won’t waiver no matter what and they need support thru all this too so I’m there for them .  

I hold with hope and believe somehow like many other women, and men too I guess, I will get through it  one day and emerge the other end battered maybe,  but stronger for it  I hope my ramblings help you a little .  R 

 

 

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you Ruby and all the best wishes for you. Sheri keffer is religious I'm not but it's not all religious in the book just sections so I skip those! Yes there are so many unexplained events and the gaslighting he's done over the years similar to you he made me believe I was going crazy. Its tough but like you I'm finding things for myself and children. The worst thing is he's such a charmer and seems so honest my own mother thinks I'm nuts the things I've found on his phone and pc he still denies :( but he's very technical and is always one step ahead so I've stopped trying to dig as that was crazy making. Thinking of you keep us posted x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So another body blow in all this mess.....it seems he was given a police caution for indecent exposure a few years ago - when we were together. I’d previously asked him about the impact of his activities on his health and whether he’d ever done anything illegal or had police interest. He’d denied anything on both accounts. Do the lies ever stop?  

I’m also not sure what this means for him in terms of what’s on his record and what employers etc may see or have seen 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Ruby this must be a blow, someone told me last week fear and shame rules the addict I guess that's why it's so hard for our husbands to be honest with us. Yes as far as I am aware if your husband applies for a job he would have to state he's been cautioned, many jobs do a crb I think it shows up but it doesn't necessarily mean that he won't get a job but I guess it depends on what he does for a living. How are you doing  silly question I know but sometimes it's nice just to be asked,! hope things improve for you x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Ruby

I am sorry to hear about all you are going through - being a partner of a SA is grim, and sometimes worse than grim!  You can find a lot of really helpful information about the impact of a caution (any criminal history) on www.unlock.org.uk - they are excellent.   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Hi friends!

 

First of all I like to tell you that I a man, and a Sex addict for so many years, so I came from the other side of the story,  very sadly I had being SA for many years now, at least, 14 years, I don't really know when did this started on my life... So if any of you would like to know something from this point of view, I'm here to answer, off course my story is very different from your partners, but I had scaled very deeply on this addiction, I had being with all kind of sexual partners, girls, granny, shemale, guys, old guys, porn, extreme porn, and a horrible lot of things I had done, exhibitionism in public places like parks, street, or buses, I masturbated a lot of times in front of my mother's wife. And I lost my wife, my partner for 12 years, so I know what painful could be this.

With this what I like to tell you is that I deeply know about this addiction, I had been fighting with this since like 6 months now, and had been the worse addiction I had on my life (I was addicted to coca cola, marihuana 14 years - at least 8 joints by day, alcohol) and all of them was a joke compared with SA, this is really painful and horrible addiction... I had not suffered harder and so much with no other thing on life

The first question I did myself is: How did I did this to me? How this came into my life? How did I lost my love for myself? And its devasting when you can't find an answer to any of this questions... I see myself on the mirror, and I did not reconized me anymore... I had cried, and wished to die, just to understand. So if any of your husbands could not tell you nothing is not a lie, we can not explain ourselves how all this happend, this is not a choice, this is an addiction that controls you over and over... 

I'm alone now, with no wife, with no friends, so I try to recover just for myself, no for anybody else, and when I had relapsed, I always say to myself: why did you did it? What f**** happend again?  And I can not explain myself nothing... I know a very lot about recovery process, excercises, and all that kind of stuff, I know where my addictions come from, I know my childhood issues, and I'm still struggling with this... Is horrible, but I know that every day I keep fighting is a day won to my recovery... Just for me, just for my own love.

So if any of your husbands could not tell you the true, or details you like to know, is because he is ashamed, is because he really loves you...

The first question you have to learn to deal with is... Why did he made this to me??? Take yourself out of this question....  Why did he made this??? Do you see the difference?

Your husband did not did this to you, he was not trying to damage you, he really loves you, for that reason he stayed there, in your life with you, with your family...

Are a victim? YES, you are, you did not deserved this happened, but he did not did this to you, this is not personal... HE DID HIS WORSE MISTAKE EVER and you are now being affected, but it was not about you, it was not about your family, your children, it was not about no one else... It was a VERY DEEPLY MISTAKE, the worse a man can do in his life, and he is suffering as much as you do, trust me about this, he is really suffering, deeply, he likes to die (if he connected to his innerself).  So this is not a moral thing, is an addiction thing, we had became addicted to our worse mistake on life and we want to recover from it.

Any question you like to ask, I'm here to help, I know what you are living, and let me tell you something, in name of all men on this addiction, I say:  we are so sorry to had failed you girls, you did not deserved this, we not deserved either, so please forgive us, trust on us, and help us to recover... We are the first victims on this hell and we need help!

For you all:

-Your story is different to anyone else story's so just learn what you can and move on to deal with your very specific life.

-You are not forced to stay with your partner, if you feel that you have to leave him, if that is your healthy way now, do it, move on and forget about him.

-If you are, your family or kids are in any kind of risk, run for help, call the police or any legal department you considered.

-If your husband is really committed to recover, and you can, support him, if not move on and leave him alone.

All my love and respect!

Have a wonderful new year!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for sharing your story and some of the pain and stress you’re going through. It is really interesting to read the words of a SA as we hear a lot from partners battling with the horror and trauma but not as much from the addict. If I’m honest, whilst I can feel sorry for what you must be going through, I still cannot find in me the part of my brain or my heart that accepts and understands what he’s done and why. Perhaps it’s still too soon as all I still feel is so much hurt, anger and a sense of the worst betrayal possible. 

Therapy is helping but there’s a long way to go 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Kate2018, Ter and PJ. As I can’t see how to reply to individual past posts, I am trying it this way !  

So we had the therapeutic disclosure session - now 8 months after I began to find out what he’s been doing.  It’s taken him since October to write replies to my questions but at least he did and the session took place.  And here’s my question to you all and maybe others.....did you or your addict partners expect it to be just one session? My partner clearly did and now he’s in meltdown because we didn’t get through everting in one 2 hr session. We sidetracked into other issues and niggles so I’m not surprised we didn’t get through it. But then I didn’t really expect to get through 20 plus years of deceit and secrets in 2 hours, so I’m okay about it. I saw the session as the start of the disclosure process but he wanted it wrapped up in one session. I guess that’s another indication in our inability to communicate as we both saw the same thing  so differently! Has anyone else experienced this? Can anyone else tell me how long their  therapeutic disclosure process took? I am really interested to hear about the experiences of others. Thank you. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope Nicola won’t mind me adding her post to this thread as I found it so helpful. What she says resonates so much with me.  Like her I’m still in limbo and taking one day at a time with all the highs and lows they bring. My partner is critical that I won’t ‘look forward,’ ‘move on’ or do do ethi g which in his mind shows I want to build a new future with him. I try to be honest and say I just don’t know. It’s too soon. Has anyone else experienced pressure from their SA partners to just accept and get on with life together ? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi friends!

As we had talked before, your husbands are expecting not to talk more about the past because they are scared and ashamed, they are scared that if they tell you the whole and deep true you will make yourself more damage than healing, so they don't want to see you broke, they don't want to traumatize you more deeply, they had been discovered with just some part of their addiction, and that part had hurt you enough, so trust me, as you believe, there is  lot more there, they had done a lot of more things, but you don't need to know everything to heal, you just have to know something... They had done a lot of mistakes involving sex and addiction... Are you ready to forgive him and move to a healing process? They HAVE to work on this, they have to be 100% honest now, seek for help and theraphy, by themself, for themself, if not they don't want to recover or are not prepared yet...

So don't look back in the past, look to the present, does is he going to theraphy? does he working on his recovery? is he doing something to heal? If not its time for you to move and separate, if he is working on his recovery is time for you to be there, present and work side by side together... Look to the present and move to the future... There only two ways... Recovery or Divorce...

Recovery: you both have to recover, it takes time, effort and strenght, it can takes at least TWO YEARS to really achieve a full and deep recovery, so don't think that this would be a one time session, no it does not, you have to set clear boundaries and move thru them for at lest two years, there you both would had recovered, off course it can take less time, but be prepared, and be prepared for relapses too, with masturbation, with porn, at least, off course NEVER tell your husband, that you will be there if he relapses, but YOU have to be prepared for HIS relapses, it would happen, and IS a part of the healing process, there is no other way. I apollogize if I'm being to honest and it hurts you, but you deserve to know the truth, the real one...

THERE IS NOT A FULL RECOVERY WITH NO RELAPSES... They will happen, maybe one, two or more times, but they will happen, be prepared with love, be smart, and strong to accept it, and they will hurt you less. If they don't happen well, you will not suffer and that is awesome... No everyone relapses, no all recovery process takes two years,  but if your husband  is weak, alone, very stressed, and so other things, they could relapse, and you have to accept it, not to leave him relapse, binge and be enjoying them....

Please, please, please, do this for you... Don't dig on the past, trust me, there is nothing useful there, just suffering, no useful suffering, just useless suffering, so avoid yourself this...

Remember this words as your mojo: Accept (present), Forgive (past) and Flow (future).

I really recommend "The Work" from Byron Kattie http://thework.com/en there is a lof of ways to make this work, don't waste your money, get the book, the worksheets, and start doing it.

I apollogize in name of your husbands, as you are, we had been just victims on this, and is time to broke that victimization... Only the love can heal us (you and us).

With all my love and respect, I ask you, please forgive us for not to be as strongest as we could, for not to break this when we could, please forgive us for fail you...

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...