Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  

Time to move on?

Recommended Posts

For the last eighteen months, I have been occasionally posting on this forum, and have read all the posts by other partners and by the addicts themselves.  It has been an absolute  lifeline for me, giving me the chance to share my experiences, to vent about how I feel, and to get a great deal of insight from other forum users.

I truly believe that my partner is finally committed to staying clean, and is working hard to stay that way.  We are talking more, and being more honest with each other, than ever before in our more than 40 year relationship.  There is more affection between us than for a very long time.  I am finally starting to come out from under the cloud of misery and despair that has hung over me for the last eighteen months, and beginning to see that there might be a better future for the two of us.   A lot of that is thanks to the wise words and support I have received from partners on this forum.

But I am now beginning to wonder if I am reaching the point where coming to this forum is actually making things more difficult for me.  Reading the posts by other partners and addicts seems to be acting as a trigger for me, and although I want to read what is posted here, I feel my anxiety levels rising each time I log on.  Just like looking up symptoms in Google - each time I read about a behaviour, I immediately begin to wonder if my partner did that (even when there is absolutely no evidence that he did, and even if I had never previously suspected him of it).  Reading about other people's experiences sometimes make me feel that I am being stupidly optmistic about the future, and that I may just be deceiving myself (again, with no evidence that that is the case). 

What do other people think?  Can coming to a forum like this actually be holding me back from healing?  Should I just take a break for a while?  Or is this just part of the process?

Feeling confused, and would find it very helpful to know what other people think.


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't venture over to this side of the site often, but this entry struck me because I kind of felt this way a couple years back about the 12-step groups I was attending. I really got to the point where I was going because I felt like everybody expected me to, but I was getting nothing out of it. In fact, being around a bunch of sad former drunks and sad former sex/porn addicts was actually killing my enthusiasm with recovery. I swear to you I met people who were miserable drunks 40 years ago and are miserable former drunks now. One my reasons for getting into recovery was to try and remove the misery from my life, so I stopped going. I still utilize many of the tools I learned, and I've found writing on these kinds of forums and my blog very helpful and yes, had I stayed, I believe it would have been detrimental.

Remember, it's not just the addict who gets sick. It's everyone around them. You've been in a period of recovery. For some people, this board could be like a band-aid, for others it could be like major surgery. We're all different and you have to listen to your heart and your head. Maybe for you, it's like chemotherapy. It's good in doses, but you reach a point where it's done what it can do and you stop. If you keep going, you'll actually get worse.

It seems like there wouldn't be any harm in experimenting with stepping away. You know this forum is here if you need it. You're in a good place it sounds like. If you don't need it, don't use it. Things run their course. There's no need to worry or feel bad if this has done what it needs to do and it's time to move on.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Cowslip,

Hope you're  doing ok.

I feel the same about this forum. Sometimes its good to know you're not the only one going through this but on the other hand its not a club you ever wanted to be part of, if you know what I mean.  I can be  feeling stronger and then begin reading on here and it can bring me right back to the reality and the shock of 'is this really happening in my life' and all that fear will wash over me again. 

Its good to know its here but we must move forward. I find im in a better place by focusing on the good things I used to enjoy and spent time on before and the more I  do that the less intrusions I have and the more confident I am that I will get through this. 

Its helpful to make yourself a list of goals for the day no matter how bad you feel in the morning. If you start small and to do something positive for yourself each day it helps. 

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this