Recovery story

[Cat]

Hi,

This is my journey through addiction, I hope it can help others see there is a way out.

I first struggled with alcohol addiction and went to rehab in 2006, there it was quickly identified that my primary addiction was indeed sex addiction. I was hoffied and in complete denial. I refused to accept it and labeled myself an alcoholic. I carried on relapsing with alcohol and stayed in complete denial about SA until July 2007. Then my partner found out about my affairs and I told him I had been told I was a sex addict. But really  I wasn't ready to accept it myself. After another two trips to rehab, I finally managed to stop drinking in September 2009, and started my recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous using the 12 step program. I managed to be faithful and not act out until February 2012.

Then because all I had done in my recovery up until then, was deal with some of the symptoms (ie drinking) and I had been too afraid to look at the root causes and deal with the real issue,which was sex addiction I relapsed into SA. I tried to convince myself it was actually a new love of my life (even though I desperately loved my partner) and that it was not me using men to deal with my fears,shame, insecurities and pain. It escalated over the next 4 years to many sexual encounters and I came more insane and irrational.

Eventually my partner found out again and I was ready to accept my real problems. I went to Paula Hall (as my partner had previously had some partners counselling with her back in 2007 when I was using 12 steps for my recovery). There I was introduced to my therapist and started my real journey into getting well.

Too begin with I was still holding onto bits of  the truth and lying even to my therapist, but she was patient and she helped me see the need for absolute total honesty. To be honest I didn't know what true honesty was and it took me a while to learn how to be completely honest. I was so ashamed and so afraid to face all what I had done. But I knew that to deal with this meant dealing with the causes of my addictions, not just the symptoms. I had to accept why and how had I became so dependant on sex and lust to fill the pain inside me.

The journey was painful and extremely hard at times, but I had the most amazing therapist and I was able to totally trust her in a way I had never trusted anyone. Over the years I have had some many people try and help me but she was different, she understood me and my issues totally. i will forever be so grateful to her. I spent 20 months going to see her once a week and I believe I needed that much time to really process my issues.

One thing I did regret was D Day and trying to go through disclosure with my partner on our own and too early. As I took so long to be able to be completely honest, each time I tried to tell the full truth to my partner I either hide something or lied about something or denied it. This caused so much more pain. I wish we had waited until I was honest enough to do it properly. Eventually we did a therapeutic disclosure with two therapists from Paula's practice, which went very well. So I would advise using the therapists to help with this totally.

My partner has been amazing and we are still together, I know I have been extremely lucky to have someone who understands my issues and believes in me overcoming them.

I am just about to start seeing a new therapist from the practice who is relationship trained, who hopefully can help me further with some of my lasting relationship issues, and take me to a further place of healing.

 

There is a way out, if you can be honest and face yourself and your shame.

 

If there are any other females who would like to talk, I love to make contact, unfortunately the one draw back at the moment is there are not many women coming forward for help, so it can be  lonely journey.

 

Cat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rob]

Hello Cat,

I can't quite believe it's taken me two weeks to write back and that I missed your post earlier.

Thank you for sharing such an honest account. It's difficult reading in places because I can connect with the painful and troubling parts of that process - the backwards and forwards steps of progress and reality coming back to bite at times, as well as the huge damage it inflicts on relationships. It also amazes me that you've been committed to having a much more healthy lifestyle for such an extended period of time. That gives me hope that true long term recovery is possible because I still see many guys (and feel myself) that there is often a slip up around the corner or having difficulty even after a period of years with relapsing. Your experiences around this are particularly interesting in this regard to me.

Anecdotally, it seems rarer to find women with this problem appearing on recovery forums and around these groups. Some other sites like Reboot Nation do have a women's section in the forums where you might have more luck finding people.

Thank you again for posting this, it's quite encouraging. How long have you been clean for and would you also be willing to share some of your insights and experiences around longer-term recovery?

I'm curious - did you do Paula's course?

Peace

[Enigmajacq]

Hi,

This is my journey through addiction, I hope it can help others see there is a way out.

I first struggled with alcohol addiction and went to rehab in 2006, there it was quickly identified that my primary addiction was indeed sex addiction. I was hoffied and in complete denial. I refused to accept it and labeled myself an alcoholic. I carried on relapsing with alcohol and stayed in complete denial about SA until July 2007. Then my partner found out about my affairs and I told him I had been told I was a sex addict. But really  I wasn't ready to accept it myself. After another two trips to rehab, I finally managed to stop drinking in September 2009, and started my recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous using the 12 step program. I managed to be faithful and not act out until February 2012.

Then because all I had done in my recovery up until then, was deal with some of the symptoms (ie drinking) and I had been too afraid to look at the root causes and deal with the real issue,which was sex addiction I relapsed into SA. I tried to convince myself it was actually a new love of my life (even though I desperately loved my partner) and that it was not me using men to deal with my fears,shame, insecurities and pain. It escalated over the next 4 years to many sexual encounters and I came more insane and irrational.

Eventually my partner found out again and I was ready to accept my real problems. I went to Paula Hall (as my partner had previously had some partners counselling with her back in 2007 when I was using 12 steps for my recovery). There I was introduced to my therapist and started my real journey into getting well.

Too begin with I was still holding onto bits of  the truth and lying even to my therapist, but she was patient and she helped me see the need for absolute total honesty. To be honest I didn't know what true honesty was and it took me a while to learn how to be completely honest. I was so ashamed and so afraid to face all what I had done. But I knew that to deal with this meant dealing with the causes of my addictions, not just the symptoms. I had to accept why and how had I became so dependant on sex and lust to fill the pain inside me.

The journey was painful and extremely hard at times, but I had the most amazing therapist and I was able to totally trust her in a way I had never trusted anyone. Over the years I have had some many people try and help me but she was different, she understood me and my issues totally. i will forever be so grateful to her. I spent 20 months going to see her once a week and I believe I needed that much time to really process my issues.

One thing I did regret was D Day and trying to go through disclosure with my partner on our own and too early. As I took so long to be able to be completely honest, each time I tried to tell the full truth to my partner I either hide something or lied about something or denied it. This caused so much more pain. I wish we had waited until I was honest enough to do it properly. Eventually we did a therapeutic disclosure with two therapists from Paula's practice, which went very well. So I would advise using the therapists to help with this totally.

My partner has been amazing and we are still together, I know I have been extremely lucky to have someone who understands my issues and believes in me overcoming them.

I am just about to start seeing a new therapist from the practice who is relationship trained, who hopefully can help me further with some of my lasting relationship issues, and take me to a further place of healing.

 

There is a way out, if you can be honest and face yourself and your shame.

 

If there are any other females who would like to talk, I love to make contact, unfortunately the one draw back at the moment is there are not many women coming forward for help, so it can be  lonely journey.

 

Cat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

hi Cat

wow another woman. Thank you for sharing your journey. I am just at the start of mine and one of the biggest hurdles I have found so far is the fact that I'm a woman. I feel such a freak as 'woman aren't meant to have issues with sex'. Or that's what I got told anyway.

I would love to keep in touch in some way if that's possible. 

[Firefly]

On 3/12/2018 at 1:56 PM, Cat said:

“One thing I did regret was D Day and trying to go through disclosure with my partner on our own and too early.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Cat, A great journey of success. Thank you for sharing and I know it has helped others. I am interested in disclosure and the comments you make which are very valid to the debate. See below:

Thanks and hope you are doing well.