My porn addiction

[Vlf808791]

Hi, im new here and after reading many posts i thought it would be a good idea to document my daily battles with this addiction and how i am dealing with it. i will be using this thread as a form of motivation for myself as well as others. my thoughts are that by posting my battle on here, it will give me an added push to not fail for those reading it. i will be 100% truthful, this will also be useful to me as i am too embarressed to talk about this with anyone, my partner, friends, family, dr etc. this is a lonely battle for me of which ive carried around with me for a very long time., pouring my thoughts out to here is my way of getting it out.

 

i will try to be as succint as possible with all my posts, but this part may be long as it is where i 'think' my addiction came from, i will be leaving out as much as possible still, only posting parts of most importance.

 

From an early age (i forget how old, maybe 5) i was made aware that my brother had died, and that it had been decided by my parents that they would not be having anymore children. i was too young to of known him, so i felt no loss but over the years i was made aware slowly of how traumatic this was for my parents. being an only child didnt bother me at first but over the years it did start to make me sad.

 

a deeply traumatic experience was heading my way, my mother and father started to go on nights out drinking a few years after the death of my brother, and would leave me to be looked after by my mothers friends children. this was at first the daughter who was great, but then the brother who was not very nice. we shared a double bed one night where he proceeded to try and get me to perform sexual acts. this was just talk, but he was trying to get into my head saying that 'this is norma', 'everyone does it' etc. this had the effect of leaving me very scared and confused. i kept this to myself, maybe if id had a brother....? who knows, i could of spoken to him. i did however, due to fear tell my mother and her friend that i would prefer the daughter to look after me. this did happen the next time but after waking early in the morning i decided to walk around the house as i was bored. i must  of woken the brother who ran into the room i was in out of nowhere and pushed me down onto the settee. he then proceeded to rub himself up against my body until the inevitable happened...i can remember feeling horrific after this happened and struggled to process it. also, i felt completly on my own in a strange house with no one to come and rescue me. again, i kept this to myself, only stating a further time that i did not ever want to stop there again. i never did stop there again, but the nights out continued and a different person was used to look after me who thankfully was brilliant. i will state, as much as i have issues with my parents, i was generally well looked after and any timei mentioned that i didnt want something to happen, i was listened too.

 

Another similar incident occured when i was around 7/8 ish with a friend, who one day invited me to his house to look at his star wars toys. this was a ploy to get me into his room where he began asking me to perform acts on him. i managed to get out after what seemed like hours without anything physical happening, but again i was left feeling extremely confused and lonely. i did not tell anyone what had happened.

 

i loved my mum and dad as any young child does, but one morning i walked into my parents bedroom (my father was away at the time), to find another man in my mums bed. my mum tried to push me out quickly as she was by the door but because of how a mirror was placed i was able to see what was around the corner. looking back i think i started to act numb, not knowing what do with what was happening around me. i feel this is where i started to try and block things out. i did not tell anyone what i had seen.

 

over the years i encountered more things of which i was made to feel 'a little bit unloved'. my mother and father didnt have great upbringings and i feel this is why i feel they behaved as they did, so i get that its not really their fault. as mentioned previously, i was generally looked after well, the one thing missing was love. they then spilt up and my father moved away, which meant only occasional visits from then on. my mum proceeded to bring a different man home reguarly. this was very hard to deal with, as i just wanted my mum and dad back again.

 

from an early age of being left alone whilst they went out and without anyone around i began to masterbate after encountering pictures. i must of been around 9/10 years old and i have had an unhealthy obsession with it ever since. The longest i have managed to go without is 3 weeks and i am now 40 years old. i realised 100% that i had a problem in 2004, i have been trying to stop since then. i have also been with 2 prostitutes from when i was about 19 but never since. it has caused me so many problems over the years, for example, after acting out my mood drops, i become depressed, withdrawn, angry etc. it is a massive issue for me, writing this already makes me feel better though as i have hidden this all my life, so here goes....

 

this is day1.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 12, 2018 by Rob
Edited some explicit detail to be more general

[Vlf808791]

(Day 1)

Over the years ive come realise that certain things can make me weak in will and 'horned up'. These are alcohol and believe it or not coffee. i will have to cut these out if i am to stand any chance of quitting PMO. a hangover and a cup of coffee leads to PMO pretty much everytime. All strong will disapears and  hornyness goes through the roof. i believe coffee triggers the reptile part of the brain, triggering a stress response. it is this part of the brain that deals with sexual behaviours, as far as it is concerned, if it feels endangered it will force us to have sex to keep the overall species from becoming exstinct. A PMO will be seen as sex as far as the reptile is concerned-you will have succeded in keeping the species alive. this part of the brain is very powerful, it WILL trump the conscious brain, hence why we struggle to quit this sort of addiction.

I am no expert on this, and there is obviously a lot more to P addiction, i am just adding this as food for thought as it took years for me to realise i was being triggered by something as simple as forms of drink. it may not be an issue for most but it definatly triggers me

[Realitycheck]

I would like to wish you good luck on your journey to a healthier and happier life.  👍 

[Vlf808791]

I would like to wish you good luck on your journey to a healthier and happier life.  👍 

thank you i appreciate the encouragement

[Rob]

Hello,

There's a lot you've written down here. Thank you for taking the time to share it and to put down some details of what sounds like difficult childhood experiences that you went through.

Firstly I'd like to stress and challenge one of the earliest points you make about being alone and trying to sort this out by yourself. Having tried to do the same thing myself (I think for nearly everyone who has this problem it's the first and natural reaction) and failed for several years, I really underestimated how much I needed the help and support of others. Asking for help is definitely not an admission of weakness - in fact quite the opposite I believe. I can identify a lot with many of the difficulties you talk about, struggling to try and make sense of it and break it down. And also trying most of all to be free from the compulsion. Doing that on your own is like trying to fight a secret battle with yourself that nobody knows about. I've tried and failed to do that. I dearly do not want you to keep suffering like I did while you try to crack it alone. In many ways, addictions are about isolation and fighting alone is in some ways staying inside that isolation.

So what's the alternative? I think finding people you feel able to safely share your struggles with and working through it with help and understanding. Be that through one on one therapy, group therapy or meetings like SLAA etc. That's a hugely difficult thing to do and may feel very frightening initially but for me it was invaluable in working out why I was behaving like I did. Most of us want to just focus on stopping and how to stop, say no, have more willpower etc. But this focuses on many ways the wrong way round at the problem. You know how to stop really - that's so easy, you just don't look. So the real question to ask is why you do it, why you feel compelled and what it is doing for you. From there, how to get those needs better addressed so you don't need porn and sex when life is difficult. There's a whole range of detail and levels to understand but I really think that having someone to guide you and explore is so important.

The feelings of anger also you express I can strongly connect with. I used to get very angry when acting out. Even raging. At everything and everyone. It took me a long time to understand that. It was part of feeling distressed and out of control for me.

I really hope you can continue to come here and share your thoughts and feelings, and that it's useful for you.

Peace

[Vlf808791]

 

Firstly I'd like to stress and challenge one of the earliest points you make about being alone and trying to sort this out by yourself. Having tried to do the same thing myself (I think for nearly everyone who has this problem it's the first and natural reaction) and failed for several years, I really underestimated how much I needed the help and support of others. Asking for help is definitely not an admission of weakness - in fact quite the opposite I believe. I can identify a lot with many of the difficulties you talk about, struggling to try and make sense of it and break it down. And also trying most of all to be free from the compulsion. Doing that on your own is like trying to fight a secret battle with yourself that nobody knows about. I've tried and failed to do that. I dearly do not want you to keep suffering like I did while you try to crack it alone. In many ways, addictions are about isolation and fighting alone is in some ways staying inside that isolation.

So what's the alternative? I think finding people you feel able to safely share your struggles with and working through it with help and understanding. Be that through one on one therapy, group therapy or meetings like SLAA etc. That's a hugely difficult thing to do and may feel very frightening initially but for me it was invaluable in working out why I was behaving like I did. Most of us want to just focus on stopping and how to stop, say no, have more willpower etc. But this focuses on many ways the wrong way round at the problem. You know how to stop really - that's so easy, you just don't look. So the real question to ask is why you do it, why you feel compelled and what it is doing for you. From there, how to get those needs better addressed so you don't need porn and sex when life is difficult. There's a whole range of detail and levels to understand but I really think that having someone to guide you and explore is so important.

Hi rob and thank you for your response.

its embarresment that is the issue and not weakness unfortunately. my partner has 'caught me' a lot of times, so it is out in the open sort of, its just that the word addiction has never been brought up. the first few times i was caught were horrific! my partner has the opinion that all blokes are like this now.....i cant bare to go through all that with her again if i can help it.

ive failed up to this point alone, however i have been reading about the addiction and possible causes for around the past maybe 5 years and do feel i have enough knowledge for at least one last attempt alone-famous last words eh?

i hope i dont sound as though i am not listening to you rob, i really am, i am open to any help and will definately look into what you have said about therapy if all goes tits up!

[Vlf808791]

well tommorow is 2 weeks with no PMO, but as i have previously only managed no more than 3 weeks i am still very much on guard.

I Have not looked at a single dodgy photo/video purposly, this is something i was never able to do before. i could go a few weeks without acting out but could not stop myself from viewing images EVER! as hopeless as ive felt over the years with this addiction ive always told myself that i am still going in the right direction, that the constant failures over years are actually a blessing, as it has eventually made me strong enough to deal with it-eventually. 

ive tried to visit my past and forgive people i feel have caused this addiction. this isnt easy, you cant touch your memories or tell whether your mind has accepted this or not, so this is a regular thing for me. i  will say that thinking of my my past brought feelings of anger previously, whereas now there is a definite change. i cant help what i was exposed to as a child but holding onto anger is not going help, this is something else i have failed at previously, continuing to feel anger instead is 'letting go'.

i am setting a goal of 2 years. ive read that 90 days is long enough to change a habit but this is obviously a lot more than just a habit, hence the long time span. I may have a few failures in that time, but they may be 'normal' by then. i think i will know whether my failures are a failure as a whole. if i find i am struggling i plan to do 10 press ups as a way of re-wiring the brain. i have not needed to do this yet, it could fail. when the feelings overcome you would you do press ups?? im trying to replace my addiction with something else. this is huge, any triggers and my brain will fire energy down a well trodden path leading to acting out, so this MUST be changed.

something else, i occasionally imagine porn within my mind on purpose, i then imagine myself 'gagging' as in, thoughts of feeling sick and disgust. i tell myself things like 'that is someones daugther', etc. i am unable to make the images vivid enough to trigger me but i am able to attempt to alter the way my mind percieves those images. this has been a big game changer so far, something that has caused me to feel disgust whenever i have accidently been exposed to something erotic so it must be working. i have felt disgust, and then quickly buried what i have seen. maybe i bury the image as i do not feel 100% in control yet, the feelings of disgust are not enough yet, but the combination of both is working so far. i am looking at women in the street as beautiful now instead of the twisted way that P makes you look at them, and as expected my confidence is creeping back!

 

[PJ]

Hi Vlf

Well done on reaching out on here.  I am now almost 3 years free from this addiction - although I spent pretty much my whole life trying to manage my addiction, I only found freedom by getting help.  I too would echo Rob's advice but understand your reservations and wish you every success as you travel the road you are on.  I would commend Paula's book on addiction is well worth reading.  Highly recommended.

Your last para re imagining porn on purpose, is interesting.   Very imaginative (please forgive the pun).  Let us know how that develops?

Keep coming back!