Anyone now feel completely disconnected?

[Disconnected]

Hi all, 

so a short question: my fiancé and I are planning our wedding. Since we started seeing each other two and half years ago, I knew he had an issue with sex addiction (porn/massage parlours) but had not cheated on me with someone “real” - if that makes sense. Problems we worked through meant that the boundaries we agreed was profound honesty, communication and no porn, moreso as it leads to other things.

Ive now found out that he lied to me twice - he’d been using before Christmas and only came clean as he thought I’d found out (I hadn’t as I had started to trust him), and then after a huge revisit to the relationship, New Years consisted of him making huge promises to fix his issues and one more chance etc. Ten days later, whilst away with work, he’s been online on porn again. 

Has anyone else ever felt so numb or just felt nothing? Not even the want to leave? Like I feel like every time this and his anger outbursts happen, it diminishes my sympathy and patience for him. Now I don’t know what to do. Not that I feel anything - no love, no hate, no pain nothing. I used to be an incredibly loving person. I’m just not that anymore. 

 

Anyone else? 

[PJ]

Hi Disconnected

I am a recovered addict so can't speak from the perspective of someone who has been in your shoes, but I have watched my partner go through the trauma of my disclosure to her about my addictive behaviour - porn, sex workers etc.

For my partner it was devastating and she had symptoms of ptsd subsequently.  At one point she very nearly stabbed me with the kitchen knife - a near crime of passion! 

It sounds like you are in shock, that your emotions have shut down.

I would encourage you to see a counsellor who is specialises in sex addiction.  My partner saw one of Paula's counsellors who counsels the partners of addicts.  She was brilliant.  Both of Paula's books are worth reading too - the one about the addiction and the one for partners.

I hope other partners post something that might help you further.

Don't underestimate the emotional trauma this puts you through.  Take care of yourself - seriously.

 

[Victoria]

Hi, I gradually felt disconnected from my husband in our marriage through the pain I felt. Eventually I left because I was able to, as my feelings had diminished considerably.

 

That is not my sex addict partner. I didn’t have the power/strength to stay. But, if I had, I think the same would’ve happened. My mind seems to go into self protection mode, if that makes sense. 

[jem]

Hello disconnected,

I totally understand how you feel. I have been with my husband for 28 yrs, we have 3 children, a business, a lovely close family. Then BOOM Oct 12th 2017 I discovered some very painful truths. He had three ridiculous fumbling leas-ions with staff at work (20 - 15 yrs ago) big gap with lots of porn and the desire to change, then 3 yr affair and at the same time 14 prostitutes 2014 - 2017. I thought I had the faithful husband - I am numb, in shock, totally disconnected from my friends, work colleges, even my children. I look at other people and think are you a sex addict? I have managed to contain this information to protect everyone else, including us as a couple. I do have a Paula Hall Councillor (excellent).

We have a lot of history, kids and financial ties  and I am presently giving him and myself time to let things settle. He is committed to change and has been on a course.

To answer your question - I probably wound move on, your relationship is in it's early stages and as hard as it is, you will probably be better off on your own, or meet somebody who is less complicated. If I knew what was ahead of me, I think I would definitely have left him at the alter! This is coming from an empathetic woman ;-)

[Shannon]

Hi Gem

i honestly feel for you as I’ve been down your path.  After nearly 36 years of marriage with a man who was above suspicion, he dropped the bomb on me.  He hated the lie he was living and confessed to prostitutes, masturbation, porn and this stated long before he even met me.  My whole marriage had been a sham and looking back I now can see the flaws in our marriage, it was far from perfect.   For example him making excuses when I used to initiate  sex, to think I was so naive . I just trusted him so much and what a terrible blow to me when he confessed . It’s been 18 months of pure hell for me and like you we have a lot of history , children , grandchildren and it’s not easy to leave. When I look at him I still can’t believe he was capable of these things , I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shock  and yet he has changed 180 degrees, he is now the man I  always wanted. Will it last, who knows and if I had known all this I would definitely would have also left him at the alter.