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Destroyed relationship and hurt girlfriend I love deeply


crisper
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Hi everyone,

I really need some help to change myself and try to get rid of some of my addictive sexual compulsive behaviours and am seeking any advice people can offer.

I have only fully realised this problem too late and it has destroyed my first relationship with an amazing women who I think I have hurt deeply and who i really love. I am 25 and have struggled with an addiction to internet pornography since i was 14/15 which later progressed to visits to massage parlours and prostitutes for the past 1 1/2 years. I had been in this relationship since I was 19 and met her at university, lived together for 2 1/2 years and I think we genuinely loved each other despite some problems and a lack of emotional honesty and honesty now on my part.

This was both of our first relationship and I got tempted by wanting to explore sex with other people but did not have the confidence or strength to admit this to her at the time and wandered down this path of sex behind her back. I confessed to her a couple of days ago and there is so much pain and hurt caused that I feel so sick and disgusted with myself for having subjected her to this and I just want my actions to not hurt her and for her to be OK and the happy and amazing person that she is without having ever been exposed to my ugliness and badness and problems.

I have made an effort to stop both the pornography and sex workers and made progress but always relapsed. I am seeing a counsellor about depression and anxiety issues which I have had for most of my life and we are beginning to explore this, but I'd really like to know if there's any help or groups or anything I can talk to about this problem based in the London or Surrey area. 

I have been really selfish and this is not the person I want to be, I really want to try to make sure that this does not happen again and that I can never hurt anyone again and hopefully try to fix what damage I have done to my ex-girlfriend.

I am quite desperate and confused about myself and appreciate any kind of help or advice anyone can give.

Thank you

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Hi Crisper

Well done on reaching out on this website.  It sounds like you have reached rock-bottom which whilst very unpleasant is an opportunity to take concrete and effective steps to recover from this addiction.

I would encourage you to go to a 12 step meeting - SAA have some in Surrey - there is a big one in Guildford, but also other places like Slough and Twickenham.   They are free and you will find friendly like-minded people who can help you.  You can find there list of meetings here: http://saauk.info/en/meetings

I wish you well.

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