Porn Addiction

[linda]

First time poster, Been with the love of my life for 3 yrs now, and living together 9months, just before we moved in I found a picture of a girl we both know in her bikini on his computer, he told me he was booking her for a gig (she is a dancer) for a motorbike club he is in, last night I finally got told he was using the picture for masturbation. He was supposed to come with me to a hospital apt about 4 months ago and said he had fallen asleep, I checked the internet history and discovered he had been on porn sites for 4hours instead. Had no idea of the level of porn addiction until then. He works nights and after checking and discovering this is an ongoing thing and confronting him about it,he locked me out of his computer, he rarely comes near me now, says I am a pervert and always looking sex, am so hurt that he would rather look at other women than be intimate with me, now i find he has been using viagra, who for? certainly not me and he doesnt need it as far as i know. Last night i went to bed and after he didnt follow me i went back into living room and discovered him watching porn. I feel ugly, betrayed and cannot believe anything he tells me now after he admitted about the girl on the laptop he had made me feel like i was paranoid and insecure, yes i am insecure but he has made me feel this way. Any advice?

[PJ]

Linda - I am so sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds devastating, no wonder you are feeling hurt and betrayed.  How he has treated you is wrong.

It does sound like he might have a sex addiction.  If he has, then there are a few things that might be helpful to hear - I hope.  The first is that it isn't about you.  You are not the cause of his behaviour.  It isn't about how you look, or your sexuality.  It is about some deeper pain/emptiness and a very ingrained habitual addiction that he has got stuck in, to alleviate it.  In a strange way, it isn't even about sex - it is about getting a buzz to anaesthetise the pain/emptiness.  In no way am I writing this to excuse him, but to give a short explanation of what might be going on and hopefully to start you on the road to rebuilding your own self-esteem and confidence in coping with the awful situation you are in.  

I would recommend a few things, if I may.

First of all, Paula' two books on sex addiction are excellent, one of them is specifically for partners.  I would recommend them in helping you understand what is going on and to help you move forward.

Secondly, don't compensate for him.  Assert your boundaries.  For your sake but also for his.  He needs you to tell him that what he is doing isn't acceptable to you.  At the same time, if you can find it within yourself and want to work at the relationship, he might respond to you gently asking him whether he is happy with his behaviour, whether it makes him feel good.  If he says 'no' - then you have something to work with and might offer to walk with him over the coming months to find some help.  He will only get out of this addiction by getting help.

Do come back to this forum, you aren't alone (sadly) and there is help out there for you.  I would encourage you to tell a trusted friend who can support you through this too.