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My fiance has told me that he has used certain apps (programing and rooting apps) in the past to acces pornographic material, either by direct acces or allowing him to get around the accountability app he uses (freezing the accountability apps ability to see what he's doing). While he used them to acces porn these are not what the apps main functions are or the only way he used them. 

I have set this non-negotiable boundary: no apps or websites that have been used to access porn in the past are used now. They are not installed on his phone or computer and he does not use them when browsing. There ARE alternatives out there that can be used which do not pose the same risk. I have also requested that all apps and websites be monitored. 

His response is that his addiction IS "avoidance" and by avoiding these things I consider risk factors that could be used for porn just feeds his "addiction to avoid" and will end up triggering him to use porn. He feels he should be allowed to use them in moderation. I feel this is a justification. I am at a crossroads as to what I do. I feel I am not out of line in my boundary. I don't feel it is an unreasonable request. 

I'm just tired of the circular arguements, deflecting, and projecting. I feel like I'm going crazy.  

Edited by Hopefloats

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You're definitely not crazy nor are you being unreasonable. But you're trying to argue with someone who is not thinking straight.

He's addicted and is going to try any rationalisation or excuse to keep it going. He needs to learn to set appropriate boundaries for himself. He is responsible for his actions and the consequences. I sense you care a lot and really want to help him but ultimately it's down to him and not you to police it. He sounds like he really needs a lot of external help. It's not really possible I think for you to do that or even have a full and fulfilling relationship even while he keeps up clinging onto his destructive behaviours. Because there is always something else "better" drawing his attention away.

Who is he being accountable too exactly? I think he needs to talk about this a lot more with his accountability partner who should be able to help him with those boundaries. I'm not sure but if he's trying to use you as that person, but if he is then I think that places even more burden on you and isn't very fair.

I'm very sorry and saddened to hear you're going through all this - it really is horrible and I can only imagine what it can be like. I hope you can most of all find support for yourself because it sounds difficult and draining on you to be trying to help so much but him fighting you instead.


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Dear Hopefloats,

I think you have to ask yourself if you want to be married to a man who will ALWAYS be drawn to porn. He sounds as though he is quite IT proficient and thus no monitoring apps are going to work. The only way you can be together is if you accept that porn will always be part of your life. Even if he gets help, he will always be tempted and you can never trust him. I speak as a wife who has been married to a porn addict for 33 years. Years of despair and lies.....

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