Desperate and Scared

[SadDad]

I am in a very bad place right now. 

I am 40 ish and have been a sex addict pretty much all of my adult life, beginning with the usual teenage posters on walls etc. Since then i have been infatuated by the female form.

I got married quite young but had already been to a prostitute and done some exhibitionism. 

I stopped visiting escorts for about 5 years but then boom I started again and have been doing it ever since, with short breaks now and then when I have felt really motivated to quit. 

I have been doing it for the last couple of months again. When I am in that zone I fail to think about consequences for me and my family if i got caught.  

However I texted an escort a couple of days ago. She replied asking for a picture. I got suspicious and said I'll leave it thanks..she then said you're on my personal phone and said my name! I messaged again asking who she was and how she knew me. She has stopped replying.  Now either she is as spooked as I am or she i(or he) is harvesting numbers for possible blackmail. I am worried sick and so scared inane going to lose my family.

I am desperate to stop my behaviours. Have tried numerous times with the help of therapy (Paula Hall affiliated). But now I coukd really use the help of a fellow sufferer, someone who has perhaps come out the other side. Someone I could call and talk to. Someone who could help me and maybe i could even help them?

 

Please comment if this may be you. Not sure how we get in initial contact. Maybe an email address?

Thanks for reading.

In hope

SadDad

 

[Christine]

Getting back into recovery and therapy again may help you be the dad you can be. Don't give up. Christine

[SadDad]

Thanks Christine. I am feeling good and motivated again now. I believe you only fail when you stop trying, not just in recovery but in every aspect of life. 

See you soon

[SadDad]

I have slipped again today. After being dormant for a couple of weeks my addiction became active again last night. I started staring at women more and then started thinking about a regular escort I visit. Once my mind gets to this stage I find it almost impossible to stop until the inevitable visit to said escort occurs. 

How can I go from being so motivated to quit, to visiting an escort within a day or so? I just don't get it. Not sure I will ever be able to quit.

Feeling resigned to failure again

[Mel]

I can't imagine how you're feeling but I certainly know how awful I'm feeling at the moment, after nearly five years of monogamy in a relationship, 6 weeks into my marriage my depression at an all time low and feeling like I'm totally unloved and unwanted rejected by all my friends, I also hve chronic pain condition so been practically housebound and unable to work for months, I went online to old familiar websites to chat, well the chateooms ended in a one to one chat with a guy who happened to be working locally, so no thoughts of it going anywhere went for dinner and a drive chatting having a laugh zero expectations of anything but I was really enjoying the attention and feeling wanted and normal o suppose, he offered a cuppa back at his hotel I never said no and I didn't stop at just a cuppa, shame, disappointment feelings of low self worth afterwards like was always the case in my past life added to the mix with a new feeling ! Guilt ! Suddenly I had done what had been done to me before I cheated on my Husband who o love more than anything in the world, he's found out and he's left me, my world is in tatters, I took an overdose I've hurt my family mostly my husband, my children have an awdsomw

ability to love and forgive and are very receptive to people, I've clearly did right by them, now I've got intervention from community mentla

healtj team and working towards getting my own head right a day at a time, I'm still messaging my husband morning and night to tell him I love and miss him, I don't see him changing how he feels about me and our relationship but I am hoping, I've went to a few church meetings im

not religious at all but it keeps me busy, I've always struggled to sit at peace possibly undiagnosed asd condition the more I learn about it, but I'm just taking one day at a time and trying not to dwell on my mistakes, I'm an open book always have been if someone asks me I've always gave the answer, friends used to tell me to keep my business to myself but again this begs me am I on the spectrum lol but being open and honest with myself and those closest to me gives me some peace and strength to take each day as it comes 

[SadDad]

Sounds like you're having a tough time at the minute. It is hard doing something that when in your logical mind, you really don't want to do.

But the addiction almost overrides the logical mind. It seems to be more powerful. Only serious scares or low points seem to kick start the logical mind back into action. At least that's what I have found in my experience.  

Bottom line is addiction sucks.  But with enough willpower and with the right tools we can work towards overcoming it. One day at a time, little by little, make doing the right things and looking after ourselves spiritually as well as physically our new addiction. Easy to say I know, when the devil comes calling it's hard to say no. We only fail when we give up trying.

 

[PJ]

Yiksobb - it is hell you are absolutely right.  I would recommend you get some help, you can't beat this on your own.  Have you looked for a 12 step programme somewhere?

[Rob]

Yiksob, I think you are courageous to come back here and openly talk about your fears and problems. It may feel like weakness to you but actually you are facing up to those fears. Real weakness is running away and pretending it's not really a problem.

You're also young and have so much of your life ahead. I wish that I'd have had the sense to quit at your age instead of waiting another 20 years and all the harm that goes with it. I would like to encourage you to please also read the links thread here too.

It's great that meditation works well for you, keep it up. A lot of trouble is simply finding things that are positive and help you cope.

I strongly agree with PJ that you cannot fight this alone. In fact for me, being alone is part of the addictive cycle. I used to seriously think I was the only guy in the world who had a problem with porn and was a real weirdo for it. That doesn't help. When you find other people who share these problems, you find people who understand the feelings and difficulties and can support you in helping to find your way out of this lifestyle.

You are much stronger than you think but to be successful, it is important I think to use your strength wisely and in the right direction. All of us try to use out strength at one point or another as willpower to ride out our urges. It is a very natural thing to do. But yet incredibly tough and never really works. Even if it does work once, it never feels safe or comfortable. What we all really want is not to have those urges and compulsions.

Instead I believe that our strength is more productively redirected into pushing your life forward in whatever way - connecting with people, getting out, hobbies, work and of course pursuing your life dreams (or at least starting to find out what they are if you don't know). If you don't know where to start then going towards something that's achievable but you're afraid of I think is a good start. Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone, my friend. Keep it up.

Peace.

 

[Rob]

I felt the same also and very isolated. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Further on, I started to realise that actually my isolated and feeling like I was disgusting and a weirdo helped keep me trapped in the cycle of acting out. The two feed into each other.

You're definitely not alone and there are others like you and me out there who share this problem.

I think also knowing that fighting on your own doesn't work means you then have to take steps to do something different. Otherwise again you are just repeating the same actions and lifestyle and then getting the same result each time (acting out). This is not what any of us want.