Absolutely broken hearted

[Usernameistaken]

NYE I got engaged to someone who I thought was the most wonderful man I've ever met in my life. Couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
Two weeks later my gut instinct told me to check his messages and there I found numerous explicit texts to about 7 women - 'my cock aches to be inside you', 'what are you wearing', 'do you love me', 'can I take you to a hotel', I come round for 20 minutes and 10 minutes we are in bed'. My world just fell apart. I contacted all of the women. All but two thought he was single. One woman who knew I existed - he's has an on off relationship with for 6 years. Describes her as his stalker, hates her apparently. Said he had no intention of spending a night at a hotel with her but was building her up to drop her which would hopefully get rid of her. Yet he night he was planning on going to a hotel he told me he was seeing a male friend. He's been sleeping with her on and off during our two year relationship. Another woman wanted a relationship with him when he 'fell for me', said he felt sorry for her as he broke her heart, yet kept going round and sleeping with her. Another woman he asked on a date about 6 months into our relationship. He's a plumber so in and out of women's houses. They had a date and slept together and his messages to her he was telling her how beautiful she is and sending her hugs. The other women 'he couldn't wait to see', all women from his past he has never shut the door on. Said he tried so hard but can't say no. Said he would never contact them first, they would make dialogue and he couldn't say no when the messages turned into offers of sex. He's now seeing a sex addiction counsellor as he said he's never been able to sustain a long term relationship and be faithful. Never been faithful his entire life and never thought he had a problem until now. Said he tried so hard to change for me and I have no idea how bad he's been previously. Said now I know everything about him no one can hurt us, no need to hide his phone. Our whole relationship he's said without trust there is no relationship and said if I check his phone it's over. Said it's like a weight has been lifted. He said he can't explain why he has acted how he has as he considers me absolutely perfect. I feel so so let down and disappointment in this man. I'm devastated. Never been so disrespected by a man in my entire life. I feel so undesireable.. We had the most wonderful relationship and it been a hellish few weeks since I saw those messages. I'm suffering the worst anxiety and insecurity. He said if I keep bringing it up he will dump me as he can't take it anymore. I don't even want to leave the house with him in case we bump into one of his many bits on the side.. We are currently waiting on results of his STI test. I tried to see his counsellor last week but couldn't go in as I was absolutely furious I'm going through this due to his selfishness. He should never have involved me in his life to do this to me. The more counselling sessions he has the more he tries to explain why he's been like this his entire life. He was badly treated by his father as a child and wasn't protected by his mother. Thinks he's has to prove he's a man and lacked respect for women. He's been married twice and every relationship has failed due to infidelity. He goes and gets supplies for work and he's slept with the manager of the shop, goes to the pub and has slept with the landlady, goes to work and sleeps with clients, has an admin girl working for him and sleep with that absolutely mess of a woman. Granted some things happened before me but it's just not normal behaviour. He's said this is almost a wake up call and he's got to do whatever it takes to keep me and build the trust although I think my anxiety and insecurity is making me more hassle than I'm worth. He's given me access to his security cameras at home, given me the pin to his phone, a business phone so I can see all texts and calls, GPS so I know where he's working, 4 weeks into counselling, blocked all the women from his past life, agreed to move house to get away from his psycho admin woman across the road (that's another story) and she will be leaving his business to this month. This isn't normal I know but he doesn't know how to prove his seriousness in our relationship now he's has this wake up call. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know whether I can ever trust him like I did or anyone else for that matter. I'm so disgusted in what he's done to us and me. I feel like a mug, bizarre what love does to you. Guess I'm here to talk to strangers who may have lived this nightmare whenever the result. 

[Ian Baker]

Hi there

here's a list of what a partner can be experiencing and its not limited to this:

Common Feelings experienced by a partner of a sex addict associated with the trauma of discovery;

 

Anger Sadness

 Grief

 Loss

 Insecurity

 Shame

 Disgust

 Fear Shock

 Betrayal

 Humiliation

 Despair

 Helplessness

 Relief

 Annihilation

 Rage

 Disappointment

 Horror

 Numbness

 Frustrated

 Wounded

 Emptiness

 Remorse

 Isolation

 Threatened

 Overwhelmed

 Manipulation

 

Abused

 Rejected

 Suspicion

 Doomed

 Sense of failure

 Disbelief

 Used

 Degradation

 Unloved

 Guilt

it can feel like falling and with no end. memories are threaded and its hard to know where the truth begins ends or exists. There is support through recovery groups we run here, individual counselling, couple work too and individual support for you . What I would avoid is any therapist not trained in sex addiction. As much as I might say that, I've heard too many partners have the whole story dumped on them and they are even more traumatized. Have the acting out behaviours treated as an affair, even ultimatums presented by couples therapists to make a decision to keep the partner. There is so much work to be done and care for these choices to be made and the recovery groups for  partners can really help explore the many things going on that is beyond relationship counseling

Kind regards

Ian PHA

 

 

[Vix]

I feel your pain. I was due to get married to the man of my dreams 4 weeks ago, however just after xmas I stumbled across a imessage whist borrowing his laptop, flirtation with another women. He said it was nothing, made excuses which I wanted to believe but my suspicion had been aroused. New Year's Day I decided to do a bit more digging. Went through his saved passwords and discovered sign ins to various elicit and marital dating websites, my world fell apart around me. Needless to say we didn't get married, but currently we are still together. Like your OH mine has been married before and never been faithful, his acting out is through porn, multiple affairs and I know of at least one occasion of prostitution. He is seeking help with a specialist therapist, and I have my own counsellor and her support is invaluable. I know how you are feeling. I am angry, scared and heartbroken all at the same time. I have so many unanswered questions. But if I can give you one piece of advice it is to focus on you. Do want you feel is right, don't be minipulated by others opinions or suggestions whilst they think they are being helpful, they really don't know what you are going through or what you feeling. I learnt the hard way to be careful who to confide in as ppl do not understand this and can be cruel. 

The road ahead of you is not going to be easy so take your time navigating it. Be strong, they'll be good days and bad days and whilst the pain doesn't go away it does become a little easier manage if you make sure that you look after yourself first.

take care x

[Alicrumble]

My fiancé has begged me not to cancel the wedding in 4 months! He is getting help but it seems like most people on here I had no idea until I found those cards. Wasn't really looking wasn't suspicious in anyway. He works away a lot has another place to stay when he's working late ... never had concerns but I was the other woman 9 years ago. Why was I so trusting. It's been going on the whole time. I've told no one 

[Usernameistaken]

I told a few people in the hope it would force me to leave him - I'm completely aware he doesn't deserve me but something has kept me here. It gets easier but I will never ever ever trust him. I'd always given him a lot of freedom, never really questioned him, let him come and go as he pleases, I had no doubt whatsoever the guy would always do the right thing and then BOOM I saw all those texts and realised he had never really been just mine. Absolutely heartbreaking.