Anorexia killed our relationship

[Ann Hedonia]

For those of you who have been kind enough to read my thoughts and feelings on this forum over the last year and half, I am so sad to say that, this weekend, I asked my partner of six years to move out.  I stood by him when I discovered all the things he had been doing behind my back.  I managed my own feelings of betrayal and horror, and supported him with his shame and remorse, and more shame and remorse each time he lapsed.  He is not currently acting out, but, in true addict style, without the addictive behaviour, he has been left with actual feelings and he can't tolerate that.  So, instead of acting out, he has withdrawn emotionally, showing no warmth or affection, let alone any desire.  I have ridden all of this out, understanding that this was part of his recovery and we have talked about it in couples therapy sessions.  Going to therapy with me and not having the acting out to fall back on has meant that he has nowhere to hide from himself and his feelings.  So, instead, he has sabotaged the relationship by attacking my financial security.  Having once been homeless, I have worked tirelessly for nearly 40 years to own my own home (nearly paid off the mortgage), a nice car (fully paid off), and to hold down a professional job for which I have studied a cumulative 15.5 years of higher education, as well as raise three children who are now all professionals in their own right.  The poor decisions he has made in life mean that, despite being paid very handsomely, he has nothing except a fancy phone, some nice golf clubs and a very expensive child-support bill each month.  Rather than talk about how vulnerable he feels living in my house, he has demanded that I give him thousands of pounds of equity in the house, because sabotaging the relationship is preferable to feeling vulnerable and talking with a loving patient partner about how to come through this.  

I'm done!  I have nothing else to give to this man.  I know that my friends are mightily relieved, but I am not.  I just feel a failure, as though all the love and care, commitment and patience that I have offered through this ordeal, has come to nothing.  I like to think I will move on and find peace, but I know that addiction is a chronic relapsing condition and I fear for the direction he will travel.  I think he is on a path to self-destruction and the time we have spent together has been a temporary diversion from that trajectory.  Whether he is my partner or not, I fear that I will just be watching a slow train wreck of a man whose non-addict part is kind and clever and thoughtful.  I will miss that man, but I have no option but to let the addict he is chained to take him away.  

For those of you who are able to stick with your husbands/partners, I have nothing by admiration for you.  I wish you love and joy, because God knows, after all that you have been through, it is the least you deserve.  Ann x

[Sunflower]

I’m so sorry to hear this, Ann. It sounds like you have been through a very long and painful process to get to this point. The time comes when we finally know what steps to take. Some might say that time has been wasted to get to this point. I think not. Sometimes that time is needed for you to finally process and come to accept that there is no more that you can do or give! It is hard to continue if you are getting nothing back. It sounds like you are a strong woman, who has achieved great things as a mother and a professional. Hang on to that because that is an example of your strength and what you can achieve. Of course you are feeling pain and who knows for how long. But you will find a renewed focus, I am sure, that will bring you happiness and a renewed vigour for life. Wishing you love and strength ahead xxx

[Kaykay]

Sending you so much love xxx