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Does time heal?


Sunflower
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I haven’t been on here for so long. I just felt I couldn’t look. I didn’t want to read the stories for fear of thinking that other people’s recounts of what their partners were doing, might be something my husband was also doing but I didn’t know. That fear of never having full disclosure never leaves me. Then I’ve felt bad for not responding to others and trying to offer words of support 😟. Have others felt like this at times? 
I am almost two and a half years in from discovery and it’s one and a half years from full disclosure. I can not believe how hard it is still after all this time. Although my life has stabilised to a degree and we are still together, I am still so full of grief and sadness. The disbelief is as strong as it was on that terrible day. I ask myself, is this it? Will I feel like this for the rest of my life? I still have a cry almost every day. I’m so sorry I am not writing anything positive. There are some, I’m sure. But they seem to get smothered by the pain that I am still feeling. Hoping that you are all feeling stronger and if not, that you have support somewhere x

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Hi Sunflower, I have no cheery words for you, because I feel horrendous at the moment (I just asked my partner of 6 years to move out).  While I can't tell you to turn that frown upside down, or any other annoying platitudes, I do know that no feeling lasts forever.  It is easy for the dark feelings to blot out the fleeting moments of peace, or even happiness.  And in the end, if being with your partner/husband is permanently miserable, then maybe it's best to find happiness in other areas of your life - friends, work, hobbies, children, pets, etc.   Sometimes our partners, especially if they are addicts, do not have what it takes to hold us up or work as a team, because they have such trouble managing themselves.  

I wish you sunny days ahead.  Ann x

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Thanks for your kind words, Ann. I think one of the frustrations for me is that my husband has actually been totally accepting of the pain I feel. He has worked through therapy for many months. Fully understands what issues have led to this addiction, which was there way before me. He is devastated by the pain he has caused and feels such shame. When I am a complete mess, he never says I should be over it by now or tried to make excuses. He just supports and comforts me the best way he can and is constantly saying how sorry he is. I have seen such a change in him in accepting and talking about what he did. I’m sure all of this is vital. If he wasn’t doing this, I would be gone. But despite the successes of therapy, I still feel so so sad. For 20 years, he was the man who showed me true love. I felt so lucky to have such a wonderful marriage to the kindest man I’d ever known. Now I have to accept that part of my love story wasn’t true. I’m still plagued by intrusive thoughts and I think I’m dealing with overwhelming grief. But I love him. We are good together and happy in each other’s company. I just want to feel normal.  There is a new normal that I’m trying to accept. But it is so tough at times. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dearest Sunflower,

You will get through this, it does take time and the process that you describe is a stage in the processing of grief.

The fact that your husband doesn't tire of saying sorry to you for the deepest sadness that his behaviour has caused, for me is a real sign of remorse. As you have been together for so long I am not surprised that this process of working through pain and hurt is taking a while. 

In my experience ( 30yrs married) with my ex husband, 'disclosure' was in 2014, he was asked to leave in Oct 2016, divorce Nov 2019. From Oct 2016 to about April 2017 I was numb and crying most days. (Trying to study and work at the same time!)  After that I was crying less but little things triggered another episode and I would feel disorientated and in a state of hyper arousal for about a week. This went on for at least a year. After the deep sadness stage came the anger phase which lasted about 3 months and the air was blue!!! Anybody who knows me wouldn't have believed the amount of anger I felt and the language I used! Gradually the pain has got less and less but then he is no longer with me, no longer there as a reminder of the pain....

Sunflower, do allow yourself to feel but it might be useful to have a counsellor to accompany you in this processing of grief.

Warmest hug

Chrissy xx

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Hi sunflower, i am new to this i have just found out about my husband’s addiction, 24yrs married i am definitely in a bad place, he is saying sorry and is attending therapy, we are still at the drip fed stage which is killing me, i want to hear it all so I can start understanding it but this drip feeding is so hard, you think you have it all and a week later you are devastated again when you hear more i don’t know whether to stay or go our family are all grown if i go how do i tell them i can’t tell them what is going on he used images of family members to act out to which makes this utterly disgusting i am beyond broken and in turmoil I can’t get over the fact he went to those levels

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Thank you for your reply, Chrissy. I definitely feel terrible grief. I’m sorry that your relationship didn’t work out. But I hope that you are feeling stronger and more empowered. You deserve to be happy. My husband is genuinely full of remorse. I also understand how his addiction developed years before me amd why this happened. But, of course it doesn’t take away my pain. Over 20 very happy years together makes the recovery very tough. Such a contradiction in many ways. Your words have really helped. Thank you. Wishing you strength and peaceful days ahead xxxx 

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