Sex addict husband has left

[Georgi]

Hello,

I looking for guidance. I really don’t know what to do?

My husband and I have been off and on together for 20yrs, married nearly 7yrs.

He has had a couple of affairs over the years and has always struggled with boundaries with women. Last year he finally admitted he has been watching and paying for cam girls. He had been talking to a couple via messaging as well. We talked it through and he wanted to get help and not lose me. I found The Laurel Centre and he signed up to do the quick response 8wk course. He started that last July and kept up talking to the group of men he did it with. He was advised to get separate therapy due to an abuse that happened to him when he was a child. He had a few sessions, I’d say about 10-12, then he said he didn’t need it anymore and he’s dealt with his past. I tried to explain it takes a lot longer than that to deal with it but he wouldn’t listen and stopped therapy. I feel it was too painful and suppressed it all again, he just wasn’t ready.

He then relapsed early this year, not sure when. He told me a month or two later and said it was once and that’s it and he didn’t pay for anything. I asked to see his statements to prove that and he then admitted he paid for it. He promised it was once and wouldn’t happen again and he’s doing everything to make sure he doesn’t. He’s moods started to go back to the way he used to be, very angry and everything is mine or the kids fault. He’d lose his temper so easily and he kept wanting to do things by himself more than as a family. I had a gut feeling he was back on the cam girl websites etc and found a new credit card he got out. I confronted him and he tried lying then admitted it. I asked to see how much he’s spent on them and he refused. He then ended our relationship and moved out the next day. A week later he said I deserve better and he thinks he can do this alone without me and he hasn’t been on the sites since! He said he’s hurt me too much and always will. I tried fighting and said we can get the right help together but he wouldn’t. 3wks after that, I was on the laptop and his emails were already logged on so I went in to it as I had a feeling he still was on those sights. I saw an electronic card to a women (20 year old something cam girl in another country) wishing her a happy birthday and stating his love for her, how perfect she is for him and he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with her! I was absolutely devastated! Is this really love? Does she actually love him or does she say whatever to get money off of him? Did he not love me? He’s spent £7,000 that I know of since he left 2 months ago! Which I’m assuming he’s giving to her! 

I am currently getting counselling to help me through this and I’ve read Paula Hall’s book for partners. 

I am really worried about him, he hasn’t really spoke to me and I’ve tried not to message him as hard as it is to give him space. Do I reach out to let him know I want to help and to show him he’s not worthless and shouldn’t feel shameful? Will he even listen to me? I just want to help him! How do I help him admit he has an addiction?

Any advice would be very much appreciated. 

[Firefly]

Hi Georgi, Welcome to the forum. I am so glad to hear you are getting support for yourself.

It is very sad to hear that your husband has relapsed. While in his numbing state he will not be able to be objective! The cam girls will be trained to extract as much money as they possibly can. I would not think that love comes into it and is all about getting his fix; similar to a drug addict.

Until your husband comes back to his senses there is nothing you can do.  I am sure you are worried and I would also be very concerned about the debt he is running up and the impact that will have on your joint finances. You will not be able help him admit his addiction. He has to do that.

It is so sad watching from the sidelines but you do need to put in place protection and support for yourself. I am sure you have seen this blog but I post it for others who are reading this.

The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Rebuilding your life | The Laurel Centre 

I hope this is helpful.

Firefly

[Georgi]

Hello,

Thank you for your reply.

It’s so heartbreaking to know there’s nothing I can say or do to help him. I was hoping there’d be some magic words I could say. I haven’t heard off of him in over a week, it feels like he just doesn’t love me and doesn’t  want to speak to me. I supported him so much, I just can’t understand how he could throw our marriage away like this? Do you think he knows he can reach out to me if he needs to? I want to message him but feel he may still need space and I would just make it worse. I just need him to know I’m here when and if he’s ready.

Thank you for the link, I will have a read. It all still feels unreal and that I’m going to wake up from this nightmare!

[Firefly]

Hi Georgi, Everyone reacts differently but there is a pattern of the addict being ashamed and  thinking their partner is better off without them. My story is not the same but you might find it helpful. I hope so anyway.

Living a double life - Sex & Porn Addiction - Paulahall UK Sex addiction forum

You are not alone in this nightmare as you will have seen from other partner posts.

 

[Georgi]

Hello again.

Thank you for replying to me again.

I have just read your story. It isn’t the same but familiar, which helps so thank you. I’m so very sorry to hear what you had to deal with as a child! It’s good to know that you were finally able to seek help, well done you! ☺️

From your experience do you think I’m better off leaving him be and not checking in via text every so often? If and when he does seek help will he realise I’m not better off without him and we have a chance?

I am trying to slowly move on as I know I can’t wait and hope forever as he may never realise he needs help. It is so hard to believe he was so worried about losing me last year to running off this year and not caring about me! 😢

[GDSFMAC]

Hello everyone.

I have been reading the comments & can relate to everything being said. 2 weeks ago I discovered my husband had been seeing a transgender prostitute for the last 3 months. It all started from me discovering a Facebook comment he made & then researched her name. Myself & my son & daughter spent the next few days going through all her social media & found many comments from him, we sussed his usernames, he was basically professing his undying love for her. She’d posted Tiktok videos of flowers he’d sent her, we found receipts in his car where he’d taken her for expensive meals & the worst was he’d checked himself into a Travelodge near her supposedly to sort his head out away from us & she had posted some photos of herself posing in his room & you could see the speaker I had leant him to take in the background. I’ve also found out he’s been seeing escorts for the past couple of yours, but I don’t know how long it goes back? It’s killing me just trying to find things out & investigating all the time! I’ve been with him since I was 18 & married 35 years.

He is in a bad place now & the shame makes him reluctant to come back home to talk to me. He left here the night everything was found out & slept in his van initially, but has been staying at the trans prostitutes home. She lives there with her partner who is the same as her. He’s trying to sort a place out but it’s taking a while for them to chase up references & do checks. I hate the thought of him being there? He says it’s purely business for them & he’s sleeping on the sofa. It’s absolutely heartbreaking! I want him out of there & talk to him!