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Disgusted at husbands porn choices


Kaykay
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My husband just disclosed the type of porn he was watching. Its extreme and I'm absolutely disgusted. I didn't ask for it, I asked him if he wanted to take the stuff he watched into real life with me and he told me he would not want to do x, y or z with me

I'm absolutely mortified. It's not normal, it's extreme and I feel sick. I'm almost 5 months from the latest and biggest exposure. When does it end? How can I get past this. He chose to go and watch that rather than have sex with his wife. Its another blow to my confidence. 

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It never ends does it? Just when you think you have got your head around it, so another revelation appears.  I know it is so easy to think that our partners' behaviour is about us; it isn't.  Some of the acting out behaviours of my partner baffle me, as well as deeply hurt me.  When I talk to him about it, he says in a frustrated and exasperated tone, "It's not about you!"  Just as I appear not to understand that his choices weren't a comment on me or my attractiveness, he can't understand how his choices impact me.  Over the last 18 months, I have learnt that the acting out sex goes in a different box in their heads to real life.  It is the secrecy and fantasy that is the lure.  Real life is exactly that - real, and I have learnt that most sex addicts can't deal with the intimacy and vulnerability that comes with a real relationship.  

As I realise that his decision to act out in the ways he did aren't about me, I am sadly realising that he has had these thoughts, feelings and behaviours for many years before me. (I was lucky enough to have a frank conversation with his first wife, which was helpful to us both, I think.)  I feel for you Kaykay; you want to support him, and you want a sex life with someone who loves you.  That's not a lot to ask, unless the person you are asking it of is as terrified of true intimacy as a sex addict.  Only you can decide what to do with this stark reality.  Personally, I am trying to come to terms with the vanishing chance that my partner, who I love very much and who tells me he loves me, will ever be able to express that love in physical and emotional intimacy.  Right now, I don't know what to do with that reality.  I hope that you find a way forward that is right for you.  Ann x

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@Ann Hedoniathanks for your response.

I'm still trying to rationalise that it isn't about me. But as far as I can get is that I know I'm enough, but he didn't see me as enough. I'm the love of his life. Even though this preceeded me, why didn't he get those feelings of being wanted, needed, desired and powerful from me? 

Since disclosure our sex life has better in some ways, worse in others. But now, I dont want to have sex with him at all. I checked online and some of what he was doing could be considered illegal. But there are grey areas around it. 

I once again, feel like I don't know this man. Last week he disclosed how he used to view and look at women in the street. He's just so pathetic. 

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Kaykay and Ann, this situation is truly awful! I have days where I live with it all, and am accepting that it is about him and his demons, and then other days I can’t help but go back over it all and asking myself the same stupid questions! But, as you say, it has a massive impact on us partners. I can see no future relationships, other than friends, I can see no lovemaking in my future. That is sad. I was such a romantic, and he took that away from me, leaving me feeling foolish and like I was blind to real life! Please tell me that it isn’t real life? That there are good, honest loving men out there? I look at make friends and their relationships with their partners, and wonder if they are being truthful. I analyse everything and everybody. I see people’s unhappiness and the fact that people “put up” with behaviours that are not right.

I do have many days of being  at peace with my lot,and I have found happiness in other things,  but I also have days where I can’t imagine living the rest of my days without that special someone where you know each other inside out….

Sending love. It’s good to explore these feelings with people that understand!

Xx

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Sorry, also wanted to say that my husband told me, after many therapy sessions, that latterly, he started to look at females in a sexual way…I guess this is why he went on line to chat inappropriately, and eventually hook up to fulfil his needs ‘safely’ . I have talked about this to friends, female and male, and they all say that he never gave that impression., in ‘real life’ he always seemed respectful of women, and appeared to have worshiped me, he never made them feel uncomfortable and never was Inappropriate , or engage in “men’s chat”!

It was his secret…..but what an ugly unhealthy secret it was. It is clear too that his upbringing and the taboo around sex, and mistrust of girls/women other than his mother, led to this thinking. It is only when under extreme stress that these hardwired views come into play….I hope this makes some sense!

x

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