Will this ever end?

[Foreverhealing]

I have been in a similar situation to probably every other person on here for 14 years now and even after spending thousands on therapy, going to group sessions, making untold amounts of promises that this will be the last time and he never wants to hurt me again but here we are again and to be honest I think I have had enough.I love my husband but his habits have nearly destroyed me as well as do untold damage to our marriage. I had been in a previously duplicitous marriage and had severe trust issues with men.

Then my second partner came along and I truly believed he was the one …but gradually his habits/alter ego/addiction (I’m loathe to use that word as in the end he made a choice and sometimes I was even in the same room when he was messaging them! Couldn’t get much closer to home and a wake up call  in that instance….just an even bigger thrill!) ….so his addiction came out of the woodwork, each explained away or begging for forgiveness ensued.

I have to say the utter devastation they show you is real in that they are so ashamed of their actions or of getting caught  that they do believe it’s the last time…..but it isn’t.

Finally after 10 years together and a while had passed since any incident, and me believing everything was now fixed, we got married. That’s when the s**t really hit the fan….I discovered that even while we had been on honeymoon my husband had been arranging to meet up with prostitutes for when we got home, just to perform a sex act on them.

This was 2 weeks after we got married I found this out…all hell broke loose and he broke down saying he would never hurt me intentionally, he didn’t want to lose me and how much he hated himself. The fear of losing him, losing our marriage and the shame of what he had done kept me from walking there and then but I told him that this was it he does it again and I’m gone.

Cue 3 years later, we are on holiday and I notice he is on his phone …constantly and taking it with him everywhere so I check his social media account and he is chatting to a complete stranger giving her his mobile number and asking her if she had a ‘naughty side!) ! He had also made a booking to go to a massage parlour a few months previously but said he couldn’t go through with it and cancelled (I don’t believe him).

I would love to believe that this is it the last he will ever do this to me but I know I’m my heart that it isn’t …he is currently begging me to give him 6 months to finally prove that he does love me and to let me see positive changes…..but………I have given him 14 years of what is probably the prime of my life, countless chances, lied to protect him, our grown up kids don’t have a clue.

I didn’t sign up to a life of location tracking, keeping him from being bored while I get ready for an evening out because I know if he’s bored then he will find something non constructive to keep himself occupied. I didn’t sign up for a life of constantly being lied to and wondering if my husband might at this very moment be with someone else. The worst part is the deception, I hate the lies even when I have caught him red handed he will still lie until I physically show him evidence.

I also didn’t sign up to putting my own needs last, and making myself sick with worry, stressed and feeling unloved ….and i also don’t want to spend our remaining  time on this Earth waiting for the next implosion and I feel that after years of feeling inadequate (a lovely by product of men constantly cheating on me has given me massive body insecurity) …and all the years of trying to forgive and actually help him…I’m at the end of my tether.

Marriage is meant to be about love, partnership and being best friends, none of this feels that way  and I am so angry that he took that away knowingly. He knew his lifestyle and if he really loved me he would never have dragged me into this world where I am at rock bottom, feeling lonely , devastated, angry and so very very hurt. reaching out to total strangers for help 

[Tabs]

Foreverhealing, I am so very sorry for how you are feeling. I totally understand what you are saying, it is such a difficult situation to deal with and impacts us partners in such a massive way. As you have said, the lies are the worst thing. And sadly that is what addicts do, they lie to cover up their habit. I always prided myself on having good instincts about people, but completely missed what was happening with my husband,  and that has then created insecurities about everything! 
I wish I had the answers, but I don’t! 
I have come to learn that I have to look after myself first and foremost. That’s what I try to do. I have therapy with a therapist trained in this area, I try to practice mindfulness, and I look to my friends and family for emotional support. I try to just be!

sending you a virtual hug and love

xxx

[Foreverhealing]

Tabs, thank you so much for your response,I’m still in the anger stage…I have to say it hasn’t gone on this long before and I know it’s because I told him last time that if he did this again that would be it. No matter how I feel or what he says, I said that last time and I meant it. I can’t see a way of moving past this as it would almost be like me being an enabler and just letting him get away with anything with no repercussion. I do not want to end my marriage as I love my husband, but he’s pushed me to the limit and I feel like  my only way out is to run. He’s been banished from the bedroom and I have cooked once for him in a month. I stopped wearing my wedding ring because I feel it’s been a total farce (anger still!) even worse is that I miss him dreadfully, I want to comfort him in his sadness, I want to be held and reassured …it’s like Stockholm syndrome. I feel drawn to something that is responsible for keeping me held captive and tortured for years ☹️

[Feeling fragile]

I really relate to this. It’s heartbreaking: I’m trying to stay strong. Will try to message again when I’m feeling stronger x

[Foreverhealing]

On 8/11/2021 at 10:55 PM, Feeling fragile said:

I really relate to this. It’s heartbreaking: I’m trying to stay strong. Will try to message again when I’m feeling stronger x

Thank you it means a lot just that there are others here that can relate to this and we can all feel not so alone together. I’m still not there  in  forgiving my husband which has been made worse by the fact that his Dad is very sick and may only be here for a few more weeks. What kind of person would I be to say I want to end it while he is going through this as well.  I don’t know what to do and it’s taking it’s toll.