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my bf is a sex addict, is there hope?


jenn_a
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Hello all,

I am very glad I found this forum/community, because I have been feeling very lonely on this. Short story is that about 3 years ago, I found out that my bf of now 5 years, had been cheating on me with multiple women. These were women he either knew before he met me or met during our relationship. One of these women was someone he met during a trip we did together. It has all been so sad. There was one woman who was married and she left her husband for him, they were in a rocky relationship on and off, until she decided to leave him, this was at least a few months before I found out about all of this lying and cheating. At the time, I had so much empathy, because I could see his disgust and anger with himself, he told me he thought something was wrong with him and that he thought he was an addict. At the time I set up some boundaries, and I have to say, I started checking his phone, although I am not proud of this, I did it for about a couple of months, just to make sure he wasn't on this road again. It wasn't easy, he continue looking for women to validate him, although he swears he didn't sleep with anyone else after I had set my boundaries, I don't fully believe him.

Ever since, 3 years have passed, we now live together and he is a completely different person. He regrets very much the pain he put me through and he pain he put himself through.  Several of these women reached out to me, angry, telling me about him and what he had done, they were very involved in his life, knew a lot about him and they were just mad after they found out he was in a serious relationship. One after the other, I started hearing from them, which now has me with terrible PTSD. I'd like to believe he'd never hurt me again, as I know there's so much regret in him and that he is fully committed to his recovery as he has been in continuous therapy for the last 3 years.

However, sometimes he says things that worry me, like that sometimes all he can think is sex and that he feels it controls him, or he would casually mention how he used to have women in rotation or multiple women in-love with him. He suffers and says he hates himself and that he wants to get rid of it, that thing he calls that desire he cannot satiate. I don't know if I had set up enough boundaries. For example, I never forbid him to speak with other women, I have told him to not share personal things with other women or to even look for friendships. But I haven't said that he should just never speak with another woman at all. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I try to trust him, I encourage him to keep finding help but it feels that I am just waiting for it to happen again, I always have that fear and I don't know if I could take it. I do love him, he is a wonderful person that has a terrible problem, but I am not sure what else can I do, what other boundaries I can place or how can I communicate with him when he tells me things like "I am dealing with this intense rush to have sex, all I think is sex" or "I hate myself because of this"... I just don't know what to do, if I should leave him? if there's hope?

I wonder as you all have similar experiences, what have you tried that actually helped you or other tools that you can give me. I have been very patient and loving and I listen a lot, but it hurts. One of his ex's has tried to make my life miserable, another woman keep reaching out to my family, this almost ruined his career as there was a woman who tried go after him, only that I begged her not to. This is all so hard. If there any advise you can give me?

Thanks!

Jen

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Welcome Jen to a club that nobody wants to be a member of.  It sounds as though your b/f has the will to recover, and appears to be trying to be open with you about what it feels like to be an addict.  You mention that he has had therapy; have you?  These are the kinds of thoughts, questions and feelings that a good therapist can help you with.  It might also be a consideration to have therapy as a couple, as it sounds as though he is trying to communicate really difficult feelings to you.  That's really hard to hear, and probably hard for him to say.  A decent therapist can support you both in having those kinds of conversations with support.  

Most of all, look after yourself.  Ann x

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Hi Ann,

thanks for your reply. You are right, he is being open about his struggles. It's just so hard for me to listen to sometimes. it reminds me of the pain he put me through. I am going to therapy and the two of us together go to therapy as well. However, I am fearful of this sexual energy he says controls him sometimes and that he cannot think of anything else of focus on anything else than that. it worries me that when we have sex he isn't focused in connecting with me, but on getting rid of the energy. I am trying my best to understand and have empathy. But I also want to make sure this won't happen again.

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