SAs and Narcissism

[Lilo]

Hi ladies

Ive been studying narcissism for the last 6yrs now and have extensive knowledge of it, and from the extensive research and reading I’ve been doing on sex addiction in the last 3 months or so, I’ve realized that it’s common knowledge that not all, but a very major percentage of SAs are actually narcissists.

I’ve also been reading and analysing each and every one of your stories in details and have picked up common traits and patterns which are so damning that I feel crazy with this knowledge.

Because ladies, if we are with Narcs, there is no way out of this misery except to run, because they are not capable of love as they dont know what it is. I know SAs suffer from love and intimacy anorexia etc as well and while this may be true for some in a separate degree, what if what we are dealing with are just Narcissists who are really such traumatised individuals themselves and these fixes they are looking for never ends because they are suffering inside and themselves don’t know what to do.

I really have deep respect and have true heart for SAs who have really stuck with their programmes despite years of failure and succeeded, but as many have pointed out, the success stories are so rare it’s terrifying.

And this is because sex addiction is probably the worst of all. Unlike alcohol and drug addiction which are substance addictions and not made to be a part of us and which we can survive without in our bodies, sex is very much a part of us- we are sexual beings and we were made to procreate and enjoy sex, it’s a need, like food and water.

And when engaging in the sex act with their partners even after recovery, can the mind really stop what it needs and craves and fantasizes? Can it really? It’s such torture I feel for them if they really want it to change but struggle so hard cos they can’t get out of the prison in their minds. 

Whilst I feel so much love and empathy for my partner and have been waiting patiently for stitch these last 3 months, all I got was neglect and indifference and it has hurt me a lot. I keep thinking if he’s the narc I think he is, he’s probably finding new supply for himself, and still leading me on perhaps. Who knows? He could have just been not recovering and continuing with this shit during this time. Who knows? He doesn’t want to be accountable. 

i know I have to care about my recovery but it’s very hard. I am trying to focus on myself but it’s hard. If indeed they are all narcissists, we have to run. Yet, I can’t let go and I can’t run, cos I feel like I need to be there. I need to be there for him. Not to fix him but just be there. But it feels crazy and pathetic when you get rejected again and again you know. It could be the very thing he’s not attracted to-my availability. But yet I feel if I cut off, it’s giving him what he wants-freedom to go get new supply cos he’s a narc. 

What a crazy world I’ve entered into.

 

Lilo 

 

 

 

 

[Ann Hedonia]

Whether you continue to be in each others' lives, or not, you still need to heal, build your self esteem, set and maintain boundaries, and feel ok about yourself - as does he.  At the moment, you don' t know if or how he is doing on those measures, and either way, it is out of your control if/how he does this work.  All you can do is make yourself the healthiest and most grounded you can be.  That will stand you in good stead, regardless of what he does about his recovery.  Some days, it will be harder to do this than others, but each step forward is a step towards a healthier you - wherever you decide to go in life.  Ann x

[Feeling fragile]

I think as humans we always need hope. Otherwise it’s very hard to put one foot in front of the other. We are all here with the same pain but we are all on different paths and that’s ok. As Ann said, we need to focus on ourselves. Once we have done this we can decide where we want to go. I think of it as this, we (my partner and I) each have a garden to tend and care for,  once we have taken care of this we can care for our shared garden. I can’t tell you whether to stay or go, only to take care of your own garden first. Once you are doing this hopefully it will be clearer whether your husband wants to join you in caring for the shared space. My husband is coming up for 3 months recovery. He has had small slips which have been disclosed straight away. The last slip was almost 4 weeks ago. He says it will take the best part of 18 months for his brain to rewire but he will be in recovery for the rest of his life. We still manage nice days out with the children and I have found intimacy with him healing for me personally. But I am also healing from trauma and that means I have to work hard as well at keeping my mind on track and not allowing myself to be taken down a painful road of self blame and beating myself up that this is my fault: easier said than done but I still have hope and feel that I have much more to gain than to lose….