Indifference, Neglect, No Contact

[Lilo]

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I’ve reached out as I’ve just been grappling with this horror and been hardly coping. If you have seen my previous posts, you will know he had requested for a time out from me for a month! This started 29 April. It’s now July. Over 2 months has passed and he has refused to see me!

It was recently my birthday, and he didn’t come to see me then either, just sent some flowers! He’s been on the SLAA programme since April, or so he claims, and is saying that he can’t commit to a timeline for when he will recover, and that he wants to recover first!!

He keeps saying that he wants to be left alone as he at least completes the most important steps and cannot do so whilst being accountable to me as well.

He doesn’t contact me unless I contact him. He remains indifferent, cold and neglectful. And he claims that he needs to be independent and hence why he doesn’t contact and does not want to. He says he still loves me, but to leave him alone.

Last week, I caught him lying to me that he was home sleeping when he was not. He claimed he wasn’t betraying me and that he wouldn’t and asked me to just trust him for a final time and that he would meet me 2 days later. He then cancelled on that 2 days later!

Throughout these last 2 months, I also caught him in other lies-such as not paying his bills and he had burnt off $8000 on food and things he said-to distract himself from his addiction. Really!!!

It’s all been bizarre. He claims he needs to be left alone so that he can focus; and my questions and need for accountability or expectations is stunting him-but yet-if he’s really so damn focused and so serious about his recovery - how is it he’s still lying to me?

I’ve gone crazy. I want to walk away but don’t know how to. I suspect this is a narcissist I’m dealing with and have read somewhere that most SAs are Narcs. I could actually be in the devalue and discard phase and maybe he has found new supply? I’m going crazy with these thoughts.

I have been going for sound bowl healing and somatic healing and trying to take care of myself, but the suicidal ideation that comes with betrayal trauma is there.

Whenever I catch him out, he plays the victim card and starts getting defensive or saying I’m going to give up, etc. But the indifference he’s showing me while saying he loves me and that he will be back to me-is KILLING ME.

If partners here or SA here can read and tell me your Honest To God thoughts on what exactly you think is going on and whether I’m right that he’s taking me for a ride, I would be so damn grateful.

I’m putting myself out here screaming for help. To Addicts out there, pls tell me. Is this indifference and neglect a ploy to get rid of me while they are continuing with new supply? All in the ploy of recovery as well?

Very shattered.

Lilo

[Tabs]

Hi Lilo, I’m sad to read this post. I can hear that you feel very abandoned. I am no expert in this, it seems that every situation is different. I hope an expert will be able to give you some answers.
From what you said earlier he is having therapy, maybe he is struggling with his own feelings still and needs to continue to deal with his demons alone? 
My husband I myself have been apart for 22 months now, I doubt we will ever be reunited as a couple, but I am supporting him. We have only met for 3 times for probably an hour total during that time. We texted and talked on phone, but only when we needed to to address practical issues. My situation was different in the outcome but the same root cause. The emotional support I needed I found from friends and family. I have have  therapy which has helped me to see that I am capable of living alone and helps me explore what I want, what my values are. He has not been ready to open up and discuss fully, his therapy was intense and identified and explored a lot of hidden traumas. We have agreed once he is out of prison we will have a joint therapy session to help us explore our relationship and find closure. He still says he loves me and has hopes for us reuniting, but I have to make sure that any decisions I make are good for me, and honour my core values, I am responsible for me and me only.  He is responsible for himself. 
I do hope that you find peace. Sending love.

xx