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KR1212

Positive stories for a wife who's husband is addicted to porn

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Hi! I've posted a lot on mumsnet recently about my husband's addiction to porn but you either get comments like porn is totally fine or just leave him! There's not much in between.
I'm interested to hear from anyone who's been through porn addiction either in person or as the partner. Has it got better? What worked? Did you come out the other side?
My husband has a history of depression and anxiety, and suffers a lot with an array of anxiety symptoms. He's also been dependent on porn and masturbation without porn for a long time to give him that quick release of dopamine. Sometimes it's sex drive but often it's his low mood. And it's habitual. I only found out about his use of porn about 18 months ago. He gets intrusive thoughts to watch it which he battles with and has told me that he's opened his laptop and closed it many times as he tries to resist. Sometimes he wins, sometimes he doesn't.

I've been really hurt and felt very angry about it all but we both want to get through this. My husband is a kind, sweet person. An amazing dad. And despite all the shit stuff, we're a team, best friends and love each other. I don't believe he's a bad person but he's let this get out of control and has got into a cycle of shame and lying.
BUT he needs to rebuild the trust between us and get a grip of this addiction for the sake of our relationship and family. He's started seeing a new addiction counsellor who seems quite good.
If anyone can offer any positive support, advice or recommendations, that would be great?

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Hi KR1212, I believe you have come to a kinder place than mumsnet. Porn addiction, from my experience, isn’t really acknowledged and understood by anyone who has not been impacted by it, or those that have studied it. It is real, it is relationship destroying and sadly, as I have experienced it is life destroying. The good thing is your husband recognises he needs help and has sought it. That’s takes courage. 
For us partners we are suddenly thrown into an alien world, where we feel are we no longer able to trust our judgment. My husband, like yours was the kindest gentlest man. Unbeknown to me he was suffering mentally and porn, including on line chat, and actual hookups, was  his medication. From being very broad minded on the subject of porn, and social media, with the knowledge I have gathered, I now believe it to be toxic. Many lives are being destroyed, and will continue to be, with those affected getting younger and younger. Until society wakes up to this, it will continue, and get even worse. 
It might help you to read Paula Halls book for partners, and there are other books covering porn addiction which I have found useful, The porn trap, the porn myth….it’s very real.

Do you have anyone that you can trust to talk to? It’s a heavy burden to carry alone. It is a tough and emotive subject, and as you found on mumsnet, the ‘public’ tends not to want to understand or look deeper.

Remember, this is NOT about you!! It took me some time to realise this, but it helps enormously to know this. You could have done nothing to stop this behaviour. It is about him. 
 

look after yourself, put yourself first, and practice self care….hugs to you! 

xx

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I would endorse everything that Tabs said, and I would add that it is so important to take care of yourself, like really really take care of yourself!  One year on, I am only now realising how much time and effort I have put into holding my partner up as he is dealing with his addiction.  I still intend to support him, but this year, I am taking care of myself better and asking more of him.  You will find a lot of understanding and support on this website.  Sending you big hugs, Ann x

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Hi KR1212,

I’m so sorry that you find yourself here under these sad circumstances. Your post could have been written by me. My husband is loving funny sweet affectionate a great dad and my best friend. But has struggled with P and SA for years and recently actual meet ups to deal with anxiety. I’ve forgiven him before and have chosen to forgive him now. He’s getting help but I want to make sure this time that I don’t get left out too so appreciate this community. I want to reassure you that this isn’t about you, it’s about his demons….

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