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1 year on


Ann Hedonia
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Tuesday is the anniversary of my discovering my partner’s madness. I’m crumbling inside, so much so that I pranged my car last week in a car park. It was a tiny bump causing thousands of pounds of damage. The woman whose car I hit was so lovely. In my apologies I wanted to tell her why I made such a mess of pulling into a parking  space.  (I didn’t, by the way). The next day, I got a parking ticket because I got the day of the week wrong and didn’t realise that the “free after three” parking was the day before.  This isn’t like me. 
One year on, we are still together. He’s working his programme, mostly, and he has a good therapist, and we are about to start couples therapy. That all sounds good right? But there are days when I drown in doubt.  He assures me that he loves me, but can’t say what he loves about me. We have some wonderful times together, when I think we’ve really turned a corner, and then it feels like things being good is too much pressure  for him and he retreats again. 
I’d like to look back on this post and be glad that I stuck it out. I’d like him to be the one reminding me that another year has passed and that he is glad that we made it. I’d like him to understand how painful it is to learn to trust, not only him, but my own judgement. I’m not sure today which I have less faith in.   Ann 

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Ann

 

its now 15 months since I discovered, during which time my mum died, my son’s wife had an affair and they split up, we had a crash and I had a prolapse.  we’ve had a couple of sessions of therapy and I’ve had CBT. I took charge of WiFi filters and we’ve  spent 24 hrs a day together, he says it was easy to stop because he didn’t want to lose me and I know he’s not viewing; he thinks I have trackers on his phone and iPad (I don’t) . I now have crushing anxiety and no self esteem. I’ve been prescribed Prozac but have yet to take it. I can’t share this with anyone, I’m terrified for husband to know the extent of my self loathing because I don’t want to hurt him and I’m afraid in case he commits suicide. (He considered it the day I found out and I left the house ). Some days I feel ghastly other days not so bad. At 63 I feel unattractive, spurned and a fool. I can’t see an end to this, everyone thinks he’s wonderful and I’m a head case and I let them think it. 

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Hi Freddiebear, I'm so sorry you have had such a rotten time of it during this period.  Firstly, you don't deserve this; none of us do.  I don't think there is any other addiction that makes the partner lose her sense of self in the same way that sex addiction does.  The way I deal with it, is to keep reminding myself that with him or without him, addict or not, I have to take care of myself.  It's not always easy, but I do things that make me feel good about me.  I go to the gym, I read poetry, I do my knitting, walk the dog, and spend time with people who make me feel good about myself.  I especially enjoy spending time with my children, who are all adult now. The things that make you feel good may, of course, be different, but those things work for me. If I have chosen to live with an addict, I know I need these things in my life to help me deal with that.  And if I choose not to live with him anymore, then I will need these things in my life too.  I still feel unattractive, spurned and foolish many days, and I doubt my choice often, but the more I do these things for myself, the easier those days are to cope with.  

I'm only a couple of years younger than you.  I know that my body is not what it used to be, and while my health is good now, I know that that is not guaranteed.  I'm not going to spend the rest of my life dependent on this man, or any man, to make me feel good about myself! I'd like him to feel good about me too, but I can't rely on that, although I hope that a better expression of that will come in time.

 You aren't a headcase!  You are having a normal response to an abnormal situation, one that you could not possibly be prepared for.  Just reading the entries on this forum will tell you that, sadly, you are in good company.  As for protecting him from suicide, you can't do that.  Firstly, it's not fair of him to make you feel responsible for his continued life.  Secondly, if someone is really determined to commit suicide, they will find a way to do it, regardless of the vigilance of those who love him/her.  Pull back your energy into taking care of you, and let him learn how to do the same for himself.  I wish you well as you regain your sanity and poise.  Ann x

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  • 3 weeks later...

Please please read Paula Hall's book The Partners Perspective or one similar. I have been married for 29 years and until 14 years ago very happily. Then I discovered my husband had been watching porn and using his bad back as an excuse to sleep in a different room to enable it. Promises were made not to do it again and I believed him but my self esteem bit rock bottom. I put weight on. 5 years later my husband lost his job. He suffered from depression due to this. Then at his new job he had sex with a colleague on the premises twice and lied to me about meeting up with a male friend to meet her for sex. I only found out because he lost his job again through it. He expressed remorse and said he loved me. We separated for a year but had 2 teenage children and I still loved him so got back together. There followed a couple of years where I thought all was ok. The children grew up. We moved house. Then I found out he was still watching porn, swinging sites and dating sites. More promises were made and like an idiot I believed him. Even trusted him to get a smartphone! I had terrible self esteem by now. I had wanted my husband to keep being remorseful and to keep showing me he was sorry and loved me but  sensed a withdrawal and he was suffering from erectile dysfunction which he claimed was due to age. He's now 54 as am I. Viagra helped with that which I found hidden under his car seat. Then last year I was more stuff on his phone and I thought it was the end of us. I had never heard of S.A. and it was only when looking online for a counselling that I came across a website about it. My husband agreed that he was an addict. We both believed we could 'cure' him ourselves. More promises made. Then a couple of weeks ago a work colleague showed me his profile on a dating all which was extremely humiliating. He has now disclosed absolutely everything to me which has included more infidelity with strangers 3 years ago which I am horrified about. The anger and pain I feel is frightening. He is extremely remorseful and wants to change and has committed to a 12_step group. He has always said it's never been about how he felt about me or his love for me but I never believed him. I have suffered with my weight and anxiety for years because of his behaviour. Then I read Paula Hall's book a few days ago. Thank God I did and wished I could have read it years ago. Understanding what sex and porn addiction is and knowing it's not because I'm not attractive (and actually I am) rubbish in bed (we did have a very good sex life in the good times) has been a revelation. I  have gone from having little self esteem to thinking I'm going to be the best I've ever been in just the 2 days I spent reading the book. It has given me so much hope. I don't know if I'll stay with my husband. There maybe just be too much hurt and lies now. He wants us to be ok. Wants us to have therapy. I just don't think I could go through this pain again if he relapsed in his recovery. I just know it's my time to look after me and it's not going to be easy to look past the hurt for a while but I'll get there. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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