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Drip drip discovery & exploding anger


GemGem
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So I found how to find every searched thing on gmail a website said if you type in history.google.com/history that everything comes up & you can also tell where things have been deleted etc. 
For eg) deleted YouTube shows as ‘used YouTube’ whereas if it’s not been deleted it shows the date, time plus a thumbnail of the video. All my 8yr olds viewing was there plus pages worth of ‘used YouTube’ so we’ve had a massive row. He tried to minimise it at first saying it was just a lady golfer but I eventually got him to disclose her name & I locked myself in the bathroom to look her up it’s like a soft porn channel. I exploded, I’ve thrown things & I’m ashamed to say I did pummel at him repeatedly. I know that’s not ok. 
There was also a burlesque video that he forgot to delete. 
He’s thrown our marriage away and for what? Our son will be a wreck, he can’t stand any cross words even when it’s a normal thing. We are his world.... together, as a family. 
I can’t just keep putting up with this though.... it’s like giving him free reign to destroy us because on some level he knows I won’t hurt our little one. 
He asked what did I truly want & I said a divorce. I do & don’t though. I want this to have never happened. I want to not have to go through this hell again. I want the person he pretended to be. I want to not have ptsd caused by him. 
I want to be able to live an un-triggered life with someone I trust but that can never be can it? You can only lie/deceive & cheat so many times before the person on the receiving end is irretrievably broken. 
I want him to hurt as much as me but that’s impossible. He’ll never know that pain because he’s not a loyal honest person so how could he know what it’s like? 
I don’t know what to tell my 8yr old, I don’t want to see him broken & devastated. 
I don’t know how to move forward. 
Why does he need to chase images/videos of other women? Why can’t he keep his wedding vows. What’s wrong with me? I’m not unattractive, I’m not a prude although I’m not the same as before that first discovery in 2015 because of the triggers he left me with. He did ruin sex for me but I still did most things. 
How can someone who professes to love you repeatedly & knowingly destroy you piece by piece? 

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