Help on dealing with anger after finding out about addiction

[Nort123]

Hello everyone

This is my first post on here and I’m still reeling from the shock of finding out that my boyfriend and the person I thought I trusted inside out is a porn addict. I found out completely by accident when he was showing me something on his bank statement, so I kicked him out as he was denying it saying he had been hacked... and I subsequently found a file on his computer containing THOUSANDS of videos. 

 He’s been spending sometimes more money on porn than he contributes to our rent on occasions, using my money, his parents money, his student loan (he doesn’t have a job, I work). He’s been using sites paying monthly subscriptions, requesting personal videos and has some fetishes that I wasn’t fully aware of. I won’t detail them here as I wouldn’t want to trigger or upset anyone but I feel like my life is over he’s not the man I thought he was. We’re in our late 20s and I wanted to have children with him, but I keep thinking how could I have a child with someone who puts this addiction before me? 

I’m finding myself triggered at everything, his social media presence, his use of the computer, certain types of women (he has a definite type based on what I’ve seen). I let him move back in, he’s sent all of his money to our joint account, had two therapy sessions, let me install parental software on his computer but I am just still so gutted and betrayed. We set boundaries at the beginning of our relationship (2.5years) about porn and both said that we didn’t watch it and didn’t think it appropriate in a relationship to do so (I’ve had some issues with porn in a previous abusive relationship) I feel gaslighted and manipulated. I have to lend him money most months and now I’ve seen where it’s gone, I am just so hurt and upset.

I’m sorry for the long post, I have had a session with a sex therapist and I’m going to continue doing so but I just wondered if anyone could give me any tips on how to try and remain in the relationship and stop getting so angry. We’ve been having awful screaming matches for the past two weeks, I keep shaming him after what I’ve seen, I can’t focus at work anymore and I am missing deadlines... I feel like I can’t live this way. If anyone has been in a similar situation and has advice I would really appreciate it.

[GemGem]

I don’t really feel able to give advice on anger as I’m reeling from yet another discovery with my husband. I’m incandescent with rage right now & feeling like what’s the point continuing if this is always just going to keep happening & destroying me & our child. 
I’ve experienced the same type of discovery as you a few times. These discoveries cause very real trauma in the partner. 
Your anger is absolutely justified. It is a normal response to being lied to & cheated on via the Internet. 
There are some good books about Betrayal Trauma if you Google and get which ever ones feel they fit with you. 
When I first went to psychotherapy after my first discovery in 2015 she explained to me that I have to grieve the person I thought he was & accept the new reality in order to make a decision about going forward or walking away. It’s easy to try to gloss over what they’ve done because deep down we are in panic, shock & don’t want our lives to change. The unfortunate truth is that everything has changed when you find your partner is a porn addict. 
For me, it’s almost like I can’t let the anger phase go because if I do I feel like that’ll make him feel like all his ‘I’m sorry & it won’t happen again’ has worked and that I’ve relented. 
Your journey as a partner with the understandable trauma will be an individual one too, based on your own life experiences & worldview. 
Eg mine is complicated further because I was sexually abused age 12. The trauma from that bubbled up horrifically when I made that first discovery. I also had very strong opinions about the porn industry etc. 
For you it may be different. 
Its good you’ve got counselling sorted out, keep going to that religiously they can help you find a way to get the anger out safely. I tend to internalise which can manifest some unpleasant things. 
If you’re anything like me right now I bet you’re exhausted from the trauma. If work is too much could you maybe get signed off by the doctor & maybe go stay with a good friend or family member? Just so you can rest & get your head straight? 
I’m sorry you’re going through this hell too, it’s not fair. 
 

[Nort123]

42 minutes ago, GemGem said:

I don’t really feel able to give advice on anger as I’m reeling from yet another discovery with my husband. I’m incandescent with rage right now & feeling like what’s the point continuing if this is always just going to keep happening & destroying me & our child. 
I’ve experienced the same type of discovery as you a few times. These discoveries cause very real trauma in the partner. 
Your anger is absolutely justified. It is a normal response to being lied to & cheated on via the Internet. 
There are some good books about Betrayal Trauma if you Google and get which ever ones feel they fit with you. 
When I first went to psychotherapy after my first discovery in 2015 she explained to me that I have to grieve the person I thought he was & accept the new reality in order to make a decision about going forward or walking away. It’s easy to try to gloss over what they’ve done because deep down we are in panic, shock & don’t want our lives to change. The unfortunate truth is that everything has changed when you find your partner is a porn addict. 
For me, it’s almost like I can’t let the anger phase go because if I do I feel like that’ll make him feel like all his ‘I’m sorry & it won’t happen again’ has worked and that I’ve relented. 
Your journey as a partner with the understandable trauma will be an individual one too, based on your own life experiences & worldview. 
Eg mine is complicated further because I was sexually abused age 12. The trauma from that bubbled up horrifically when I made that first discovery. I also had very strong opinions about the porn industry etc. 
For you it may be different. 
Its good you’ve got counselling sorted out, keep going to that religiously they can help you find a way to get the anger out safely. I tend to internalise which can manifest some unpleasant things. 
If you’re anything like me right now I bet you’re exhausted from the trauma. If work is too much could you maybe get signed off by the doctor & maybe go stay with a good friend or family member? Just so you can rest & get your head straight? 
I’m sorry you’re going through this hell too, it’s not fair. 
 

Hi @GemGem

Thank you for even replying to me, I can’t believe I’m in a place where I’m seeking comfort of strangers in the internet.... being a partner of someone with porn addiction feels like the most lonely place.

I am so sorry you’re going through this too, and that you’ve had to deal with this shock more than once I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. Sending love your way!

I have Paula Halls book, and I have tried to read it but I am just feeling so mad. I feel as though why should I be having to do this at all.... like you say I am completely exhausted and I feel so low and depressed. You’re so right - everything has changed, when I think of nice memories it is just clouded by the fact he has been lying from the start, his addiction pre dates our relationship but there has been so many chances where he could have told me... instead he’s taken my money and blown it on porn. He spent over £140 on Christmas Eve in minutes (more than I think he spent on my Christmas present) and I just don’t know why or how it’s worth it for a moment of pleasure. It’s like he’s picking  them over me. He’s always saying he has no money and I’m lending it like a fool... when I work hard for it and he doesn’t even have a job.

I have only just started my job so I would feel so bad taking sick leave in case I lost the job. I’m terrified to leave him alone in the house too, because it’s any time I’m asleep or I go out with friends that he splurges.

It’s resonated too when you said you feel like you can’t let the anger go because it’s like you’re giving in... that’s how I feel.

Thank you also for the book recommendations. I just feel very sad and alone. 

 

 

 

 

[GemGem]

2 hours ago, Nort123 said:

Hi @GemGem

Thank you for even replying to me, I can’t believe I’m in a place where I’m seeking comfort of strangers in the internet.... being a partner of someone with porn addiction feels like the most lonely place.

I am so sorry you’re going through this too, and that you’ve had to deal with this shock more than once I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. Sending love your way!

I have Paula Halls book, and I have tried to read it but I am just feeling so mad. I feel as though why should I be having to do this at all.... like you say I am completely exhausted and I feel so low and depressed. You’re so right - everything has changed, when I think of nice memories it is just clouded by the fact he has been lying from the start, his addiction pre dates our relationship but there has been so many chances where he could have told me... instead he’s taken my money and blown it on porn. He spent over £140 on Christmas Eve in minutes (more than I think he spent on my Christmas present) and I just don’t know why or how it’s worth it for a moment of pleasure. It’s like he’s picking  them over me. He’s always saying he has no money and I’m lending it like a fool... when I work hard for it and he doesn’t even have a job.

I have only just started my job so I would feel so bad taking sick leave in case I lost the job. I’m terrified to leave him alone in the house too, because it’s any time I’m asleep or I go out with friends that he splurges.

It’s resonated too when you said you feel like you can’t let the anger go because it’s like you’re giving in... that’s how I feel.

Thank you also for the book recommendations. I just feel very sad and alone. 

 

 

 

 

Aww I know, this particular forum is new to me but back in 2015 (1st & most horrific in terms of trauma, what I found & the drip drip of finding more & more over a number of weeks) I googled for online support groups I was desperate for someone to hear my pain & to understand. I found one called Through The Flame but it doesn’t exist anymore. I felt like you, horrified at the circumstances I’d found myself in. 
It is a lonely place, I completely isolated myself from everyone except my parents (who have both since passed) I wish I hadn’t but I’d had a total nervous breakdown, I couldn’t see at the time that cutting literally everyone except my parents out of my life was the worst thing I could do. It took a long time (1.5yrs) to stop having panic attacks etc and coax myself to the shop... simple things. By that time the friendships I’d had prior had died away. Whatever you do, don’t do that. Try to keep in contact with a few good friends (whether you confide in them or not). 
It does make you feel physically ill, it’s all the shock/stress chemicals like adrenaline, cortisol etc flooding your body/brain. It makes you exhausted, shaky, bad stomach etc. My heads been hurting non stop. When the anger waves come I feel like I’m going to have a stroke or something. I actually fainted today in the bathroom. I think it’s a mixture of not eating due to the stress plus the fight/flight chemicals. 
I remember seeing the money spent on extra phone data etc and being livid. The discoveries that first time that I found spanned our whole relationship including my pregnancy and our wedding (I know what he searched out watched & did the night before our wedding) I can never un-see the things I found. I know that worlds crashed down feeling it’s truly awful. 
Your counsellor should help you with setting & implementation healthy boundaries. 
I child locked everything last night, Amazon fire tv, tablet, laptop etc. I’ve set everything up password protected for anything over pg rating. My husband has only had a basic Nokia (no internet phones) since 2016 which is probably why we’ve had a few years of relative peace. Unfortunately for reasons only known to him he’s been using our 8yr old tablet that we got him for Xmas to search out saucy images of various models, actresses etc he’s ruined so many simple things for me like watching tv, a movie, certain adverts if it’s got someone in it he’s gone nuts searching over. The triggers this addiction leaves with the partners are plentiful & very painful. 
There are many of us suffering the same, you’re definitely not alone in that sense but I totally get what you mean because it’s not the sort of addiction you feel you can lean on other people for support. Those who haven’t experienced what this addiction is like to live with in a partner can be very dismissive of it & make light of it..... they are callous & have no idea. 
Sending you a big hug & solidarity x 

[Nort123]

12 hours ago, GemGem said:

Aww I know, this particular forum is new to me but back in 2015 (1st & most horrific in terms of trauma, what I found & the drip drip of finding more & more over a number of weeks) I googled for online support groups I was desperate for someone to hear my pain & to understand. I found one called Through The Flame but it doesn’t exist anymore. I felt like you, horrified at the circumstances I’d found myself in. 
It is a lonely place, I completely isolated myself from everyone except my parents (who have both since passed) I wish I hadn’t but I’d had a total nervous breakdown, I couldn’t see at the time that cutting literally everyone except my parents out of my life was the worst thing I could do. It took a long time (1.5yrs) to stop having panic attacks etc and coax myself to the shop... simple things. By that time the friendships I’d had prior had died away. Whatever you do, don’t do that. Try to keep in contact with a few good friends (whether you confide in them or not). 
It does make you feel physically ill, it’s all the shock/stress chemicals like adrenaline, cortisol etc flooding your body/brain. It makes you exhausted, shaky, bad stomach etc. My heads been hurting non stop. When the anger waves come I feel like I’m going to have a stroke or something. I actually fainted today in the bathroom. I think it’s a mixture of not eating due to the stress plus the fight/flight chemicals. 
I remember seeing the money spent on extra phone data etc and being livid. The discoveries that first time that I found spanned our whole relationship including my pregnancy and our wedding (I know what he searched out watched & did the night before our wedding) I can never un-see the things I found. I know that worlds crashed down feeling it’s truly awful. 
Your counsellor should help you with setting & implementation healthy boundaries. 
I child locked everything last night, Amazon fire tv, tablet, laptop etc. I’ve set everything up password protected for anything over pg rating. My husband has only had a basic Nokia (no internet phones) since 2016 which is probably why we’ve had a few years of relative peace. Unfortunately for reasons only known to him he’s been using our 8yr old tablet that we got him for Xmas to search out saucy images of various models, actresses etc he’s ruined so many simple things for me like watching tv, a movie, certain adverts if it’s got someone in it he’s gone nuts searching over. The triggers this addiction leaves with the partners are plentiful & very painful. 
There are many of us suffering the same, you’re definitely not alone in that sense but I totally get what you mean because it’s not the sort of addiction you feel you can lean on other people for support. Those who haven’t experienced what this addiction is like to live with in a partner can be very dismissive of it & make light of it..... they are callous & have no idea. 
Sending you a big hug & solidarity x 

Morning @GemGem

I  can completely relate to all you are saying, my therapist mentioned that partners sometimes can be experiencing PTSD and I think to people outside of the situation they may think we are overreacting (“it’s only a bit of porn all men do it”) which is super unhelpful.

My heart goes out to you knowing you have lost friends due to this, and all I can say it feel free to message me on here if you need a chat or to vent - because I will maybe be able to relate. I think having support is so important, I have told my friends quite watered down versions of what has been going on (I’m truly embarrassed about his behaviour, will people think it’s a reflection of me? Am I so terrible in bed my boyfriend would rather stay up into the early hours paying for other women?). He said that when he knows I will be going away he plans what he’s going to buy (this makes me feel so sick and it feels so calculated). He said he can’t get rid of his smartphone and I know I can’t force anything - it needs to be what he is willing to do.

 

Like you, I have managed to discover exactly what he’s being doing and when - so now there are dates in my mind which I know will be triggers for me. On Mother’s Day where he said he was spending time with his family and didn’t really call me all day he had spent £300 on porn. This day now will be a huge trigger for me. I crossed checked our WhatsApp messages to his computer files and bank statements, there are several occasions where I’ve sent him intimate photos of myself and that same day he’s bought personalised videos of other women. Days when he’s messaged me whilst I’m away and asked for some money to buy gifts for family or food shopping whilst I’ve been away he’s actually been using it for porn. It honestly is killing me, when I look at him I just feel sick. I keep hearing the womens voices in my head, I wish I didn’t watch the videos but once I found his secret folder I was like a women possessed and I now can’t unseen what I found. 

Will your partner go to therapy for this? I feel like I’m clinging on to mine because he is going to therapy but I don’t know if he’s just doing it to keep me here. I have no trust at all.

Sending you big hugs too, and thanks for replying and listening. It means a lot, it really does❤️

[GemGem]

Thanks @Nort123 that’s very kind of you & appreciated. They don’t realise how all this can hollow you out to just a shell of your former self, that’s how I feel anyway. My old counsellor text me back & I’ve got a session on zoom with her on Wednesday. It is embarrassing & I’ve felt & am feeling how all the things you’ve mentioned. Aren’t I enough? What’s wrong with me? I had a c-section with our son & became obsessed with getting my tummy fixed with surgery, I hadn’t felt that way when I was living in ignorance, I’d felt secure. I ended up doing it had a tummy tuck last year because it’d gotten that I didn’t want him to see me naked (I still did...but in my head I was cringing & had all these awful thoughts about myself & the images of what he’d sought out burnt in my brain) so I did it. Obviously now I’m feeling like wow..... nothing will ever be enough. I knew women from the forums after my first discovery who did similar with surgery... such is the extent of damage & ptsd. 

I’m glad to hear you’ve spoken a little about things to your friends, I hope they are able to understand & support you. I wish I could tell you that the images connected to dates will go away for you but they haven’t for me. It doesn’t mean they won’t fade a little for you as we’re all different I guess. Only you will know if it’s something that might lessen for you in time. 
 

Yes, he’s said he’ll find a specialist therapist & attend SLA (sex & love addiction) 12 Step meetings but he said all that in 2015 & 2016 but quickly stopped once things were easing between us (which is why it’s hard to let go of the anger, I associate letting go of it with him stopping recovery work). What a mess 😢 it’s impossible to believe a word when you’ve heard it all multiple times before. I thought things were good right now. We were saving to buy a house. I feel so ill. 

Has your partner arranged ongoing recovery work for himself? 

A word of warning on the detective work, I’ve been there many times & I’ve also been doing it the past few days since this recent discovery. It can make you really unwell, you’ve found enough really, like I have & if you find your struggling to stop it’s important to try to gently tell yourself to stop for your mental & physical health. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to put yourself first. ❤️

 

[Nort123]

Yes @GemGem you are completely right, I feel like a shell. Not really eating, knackered, no focus on anything. Saw some friends and my mind was elsewhere (hadn’t told them so they probably just think I’m being moody and uninterested).

I am pleased you’ve got a zoom with your old counsellor- I did feel better, albeit temporarily after having my first session... I’m so looking forward to my one next week, it’s like a lifeline. I’ve self harmed since all of this, I’ve never ever done that in my life before so this is all just messing with my head. I was a confident, happy, sociable person before all of this. He’s dragged me right down.

It’s  so weird, because when I read back your post, my instinct is to tell you of course it’s not you because it is not!! That’s also what I’d tell any of my friends should they be in this situation, but when it’s yourself you can’t separate it and it feels like a personal attack.  Maybe deep down I know it’s not me, but then it means facing up to the fact I’ve fallen in love with a liar. Almost blaming myself for being ugly makes it seem logical... I don’t know. It is a mess.

I totally get the surgery thing (my bf seems to have a thing for fake boobs, huge fake lips etc) I definitely look natural, and he has always told me that’s what he likes and he hates surgery etc.... evidently not. It feels so manipulative.

I suppose it is good your husband has said he will seek professional help.... hopefully this time it will work and maybe he will have to attend weekly sessions for the rest of his life, if it helps you both. I am worried my bf is going to act out again as soon as some kind of normality kicks in (I don’t even see that being any time soon). He has had two sessions so far, another booked for next week but he said he won’t attend any groups as he’s so embarrassed about what he is and doesn’t want anyone to know. 

I know you are right with regard to stopping the detective work.... I keep finding myself on the women’s instagrams / twitters and throwing up. Especially when I read the comments, knowing that my bf is probably thinking the same when they are posted, paying up for a video then cosying  up in bed next to me at 3am saying he’s sorry he was “working” so late into the night. I feel so sick at it all. This is all new so hopefully once the shock has worn off a bit I will stop obsessing over these women. I do need to put myself first but I’m so terrified of losing my life. I wish I didn’t love him so much. He keeps telling me to stop going on forums and that I should just trust him because strangers don’t know him.... he doesn’t get that being a partner is worse than having the addiction. We’re just innocent passengers on this horrendous ride. I think once I get into my own therapy sessions I’ll have a clearer head and will be able to decide if I want to continue in the relationship. It’s all so fresh now. 
 

Thanks again for replying❤️

[GemGem]

I’m so sorry it’s all culminated in self harm @Nort123 but I want you to know that you’re not alone. I haven’t this time but I did in 2015 & ‘16 it was the sheer velocity of the hurt/frustration etc then once I’d done it ... a calm came. So I understand. It might be worth having a chat to your GP. I got in a very bad way those first few times & they needed to temporarily put me on diazepam alongside a long term antidepressant. Non of this is your fault so I truly hope you don’t feel ashamed or anything about getting additional help if you need it. It may have been a one off for you but if not there’s help out there. 
 

You need to feel heard & understood by people who’ve been there. It’s really not any addicts place to tell a partner to stop reaching out for help from wherever they choose. A time probably will come where you naturally want to stop coming into forums but that choice must be yours. A lot of addicts when the first discovery happens want it to all go away but it can’t or no genuine recovery can happen. He will have to face the indescribable pain & trauma he’s caused at some point it’s all part of the process. You didn’t want to be in this position you’ve been thrust into it. 
 

I hear you about once being confident & bubbly, I was too. Always laughing & joking & could get chatting to all sorts of people on evenings out. No more though. Totally beaten down by it all. 
 

Addiction  thrives in secrecy unfortunately. My husband refused to do group stuff the first time due to embarrassment. Knew he’d have to a year later after the 2nd discovery but he didn’t do the steps (12 step), join in at meetings or get a sponsor then he dropped out saying he was genuinely recovered & didn’t need it anymore..... and here we are now, again. He knows he’ll have to actually work all the steps & get a sponsor this time but I’m not sure I’ve got the capacity to forgive or recover myself this time. 
 

I lashed out at him today. So I feel ashamed. I want him to hurt the way I am. To comprehend the level of damage he’s inflicted. 
 

It’s not a partners job to ‘just trust him’ when it’s them that have systematically destroyed the trust. It’s his job to seek all the help he possibly can & stick to it. It’s his job to do all he can to try & earn your trust back. This article about how to tell if your partner is really in recovery may help you. 
https://www.covenanteyes.com/2017/08/16/how-to-tell-if-your-husband-is-really-in-recovery/

It might be too early yet but it sounds like your partner needs to read a few things about the trauma this causes. From what you’ve said it sounds like he’s still in the defensive stage so now may not be the right time but hopefully he’ll be open to it soon. 
This is a really good link about the addict understanding things from a traumatised partners perspective.... it really resonated with me when I read it. 

https://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/01/16/know-recovery/

I’m here if you need to offload. ❤️

[Nort123]

It’s just such a shock what this can drive you to. I’m sorry to hear we have shared a similar experience, and thankfully you haven’t hurt yourself in that way this time. How have we gotten here? I feel like I’m watching someone else’s life fall apart, I never thought I’d be here at 27.
 

I have booked a GP appointment to talk through how low I feel, I don’t think I would do it again and alcohol was involved. I think I may have to avoid drinking for a little while.

I really do hope that my confidence and personality comes back. Sick of being such a miserable person, the past few weeks have been hell and I’m sick of lying to my family who love him so much and pretending it’s all ok. I don’t even know why I’m protecting him by not telling theme. 

I have also lashed out a few times, and like you I feel ashamed, it’s never ok and I can’t justify being aggressive... I just have felt pushed to the very edge. Try not to be too hard on yourself about that, you’re not the only one who has done it. I wish I was the sort of person who could cheat on him, but I really only want him sexually and I love him so much. 
 

The links you have sent really helped me! I just read one to him and he got annoyed about the further questions I had. Maybe he is still in denial or he just can’t face up to what he’s done, he just wants to go back to normal but I really just can’t look at him or enjoy being around him. He keeps saying what he has done doesn’t define him, but all of the nice stuff has gone away. 
 

I hope you manage to have a nice weekend!

[Chrissy]

Hi Nort123,

Being and feeling anger is a normal response to a betrayal of trust. It really is ok!  But I'd draw a line on physical aggression.

It took me a long time to tap into my feelings of anger. My ex husband would confess, sometimes a few weeks after an incident, ask for forgiveness and then expect to go back to 'normal' whatever his understanding of normal was.  For me there could never be a normal again. Every time the trust was broken (yet again) a tiny bit of me died inside.  Our intimacy was shattered but it took me a long time and a lot of self discovery to understand that concept.

Be gentle on yourself Nort123, you are dealing with so much pain.  Our minds struggle to be able to process the ordinary things of life, like hold down a job or raise kids, when our minds are 'frozen' in the pain. Creativity and joy suffer so much due to the quantity of energy spent in the 'making sense of' a traumatic experience.

Big hug xx

 

[Nort123]

Hey @Chrissy

Thank you for reaching out and taking the time to reply. My bf currently is just acting normal and when I am triggered he says I’m bringing things back up again. I feel like I’m stuck in the abusive relationship I was in a few years ago, but this time the bruises and scars are just mental.... so only he knows it’s happening.

 

He says I just keep asking the same thing over and over but I don’t know what to do. Worse because all my friends think he’s so perfect and amazing... I feel like my whole life is a lie and he keeps berating me when I’m angry.

 

I framed it to him, how would you feel if I quit my job, relied on you financially, and with your money messaged men for sexual photos and he said I wouldn’t be with you. So how is it that he can do it to me? I’m so so mad! 

[Tabs]

GemGem and Nort123, I have read your heartbreaking posts. I have been where you are. My husbands addiction took him to prison. Not a happy ending. I have learned that what he did had absolutely nothing to do with me. He did truly love me. Therapy for him was very powerful, he started to understand what led him down the path...unbeknown to me, and previously ignored by him, he was suffering with various mental health issues. The porn and sex was his self medication. He should have dealt with the issues that made him self medicate, but, that’s the problem, he was ill! A vicious circle!

I do wish that this subject wasn’t so taboo. Then we could talk more openly, know where to go for help, have non judgemental support. This is an escalating problem, porn is an unregulated drug. 
I found the 3 (free) videos on this website so informative https://fightthenewdrug.org

Our marriage has not survived it, we’re not yet divorced, but have been apart for many months. The trauma I have lived with has been truly dreadful. The loss of a long and happy relationship and marriage is hard to deal with, but for this reason?!!! I have therapy, not so often now as I have finally processed it and come to some sort of peace. We are all ultimately responsible for only ourselves, we cannot force anyone to do anything. We deserve to find happiness and peace. Whether that is with the person that we love that has put us through this ordeal, or alone, or with a new partner, who knows, but we have to open ourselves up and love ourselves first! That’s what I’m trying to do! Hard some days! Keep strong, sending love. xxxx

[Kims]

Please don’t have children with him. 3 weeks after I married my husband not only did I  found out he had made 2 app. with prostitutes. As a newlywed I was absolutely shattered. We did tried to work through it. I asked him to throw away all his porn magazines to only find out he had torn out his favorite porn pictures to masturbate to  and hidden them in our medical files. Then he was constantly checking women out in public especially blondes. 5 years into the marriage we had an argument and he went to the gym for the first time alone ( we used to always go together) and he approached one of the slutty gym employees under the guise of wanting nutritional advice even though my husband has been a weight lifter for years. HA! Still o tried to forgive him through that even. We then purchased our home with a fresh new start in mind. No porn no bullshit. I decided to fully trust him because he didn’t have a smart phone for the longest time, and no laptop. I had gifted him a NOOK 3 years into our new home so he could read the news. I really thought I could trust him because of all the BS he had put me through. Nope, just found out on June 2022 that he had been watching porn on the nook since the moment he had it in his hands, for 7 long years.. not only was he watching poem but he graduated to watching teen porn and teenage girls on YouTube trying on clothes and lingerie, and working out.  I found this all out 2 weeks before celebrating our 18 years wedding anniversary. After I found out my husband had made app. with prostitutes 3 weeks after our weekend day I made up my mind that if I stayed in this relationship I would not bare his children and although heartbreaking it was the absolute wisest decision I could’ve made because if we had kids our children would be going through hell right now because of his filth.