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GemGem

I can’t carry on like this he’s done it again

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I’m new here but not new to this hell. I suffered a full blown breakdown after the first time I discovered my husband’s search history back in 2015 (just a year after we were married) I know what he was watching the night before our wedding. I know what he was looking at multiple times a day for years. I made him leave. We were separated for a number of months.
He swore it’d never happen again & I went to counselling but he never properly engaged with 12 step or therapy of his own. 
I found he’d been at it again in 2016 to a lesser degree but it was clearly another addiction cycle & there was probably things I didn’t find (seems many of them the only admit to what you find, at least that’s how it seems to me). I stared getting awful full body panic attacks. Stopped eating. Awful anxiety & depression as well as our little boy to look after. He moved back in with his parents again. Our son was only 3 & was devastated. My counsellor told me I was suffering complex ptsd. I couldn’t watch tv or films without being triggered. Songs & music videos. Just the sight of the computer or any technology was too much. I couldn’t answer the telephone & ended up unplugging it (I only re-plugged it in a few months ago 5 yes later). I stopped seeing my friends & totally isolated myself. He swore all the promises etc again, restated therapy & 12 step & I took him back ‘one last time’ on the understanding he got rid of his smart phone & only had an old Nokia but once we were back on track he stopped 12 step & therapy again saying he didn’t need it anymore. Still, I felt somewhat ok as he only had the Nokia. 

Well I’ve been having that uneasy feeling again despite everything seeming ok. I got our now 8yr old a tablet for Xmas. My husband uses it a lot buying tools for work or new clothes etc. He didn’t realise that the google account linked to it is mine. He’s deleted certain searches off the tablet history but those searches still show up when I search Google history on my phone. I’ve not found any graphic sites but he could of used the incognito tab for that. What I’ve found is obsessive searches for various actresses, models in scant clothing etc. It’s a pattern I recognise. Jumping from image to image. 
So I printed it all out & left it for him to find after his shift. I put our son in bed with me & left a note telling him to get in little ones bed. I can’t go through this again. He’s broken all his promises. He’s broken all my boundaries which included me telling him back in 2016 that he did not have my consent to be intimate with me if he’s engaging in his addiction. He knew how much that boundary meant to me. These searches go back a month & he’s ignored my boundaries that were there to help me feel safe. 
Ive not said anything to our 8yr old. I don’t want to see him heartbroken he’s on the sensitive side. Husband is begging me to let him stay in the box room & that he’ll show me how sorry he is & it won’t happen again but I can’t believe anything when he’s lied repeatedly through our marriage. He’s chosen other women over me & our son again. 
My ptsd is running amok I feel sick, I’m shaking, it’s like that first discovery all over again. 
How can I ever sleep with I’m again? I don’t want another child to look after where I’m having to use parental locks on all technology again. I can’t eat. 
The thought of doing the school run in a couple of hours is filling me with dread because I’m a mess. 
I don’t know what to do.  
 

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Gem Gem thank you for having the courage to post, perhaps it is too soon to decide what next, even if you know you no longer want to carry on with him right now. Focusing on doing the school run and looking after the children and yourself may need to be your only focus alongside the need to just function hour by hour. Using your support network and just taking care of yourself and the children might be your only goal for today and tomorrow, given the shock of another discovery. You sound strong and seem to have coped with a lot so just allow yourself time, it's not you that needs to change, so take care and apply self care and see what he does next. Then in time you can make a decision. Keep on posting if it helps with the pain and shock of all this. 

 

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2 hours ago, Christine said:

Gem Gem thank you for having the courage to post, perhaps it is too soon to decide what next, even if you know you no longer want to carry on with him right now. Focusing on doing the school run and looking after the children and yourself may need to be your only focus alongside the need to just function hour by hour. Using your support network and just taking care of yourself and the children might be your only goal for today and tomorrow, given the shock of another discovery. You sound strong and seem to have coped with a lot so just allow yourself time, it's not you that needs to change, so take care and apply self care and see what he does next. Then in time you can make a decision. Keep on posting if it helps with the pain and shock of all this. 

 

Thanks Christine, I wish I felt strong but I don’t. I feel stupid, stupid for believing his BS & giving him the chances to put me & our son through this hell again. 
I do feel in shock, a car had to swerve me this morning on the way back from dropping little one off, I remember it being like this last time.... like a daze & not really aware of what’s going on around me. 
We’ve rowed while little ones at school before he’s gone to his work shift.... well, I’ve rowed. He’s doing his ‘poor me I’ve been caught out so I’ll say the same old s*it that worked last time’.  I’m yelling & ranting the same pain, the same devastation that never left, it only gets built on with each betrayal. 
He’s dropped a nuclear bomb into our family again & I’ll never forgive him for doing this to us again. At the same time I just don’t want any of this to be true, to be happening. 
I have no network to lean on. My parents helped me through the last two times but I lost Mum in 2017 & Dad followed her in 2019. He swore to my Mum on her hospital death bed that he’d take good care of us & never hurt us again.... he lied. I’ve been broken on some level since those 1st couple of times where I hid myself & my nervous breakdown from wider family & friends. After a while too much time had passed & so I am alone. I had spine surgery Nov 19 and may need more surgery soon too... but I never let that stop me making sure he was satisfied, even when at times I didn’t feel like it....even if it caused me physical pain that’s how his addiction left me. It made me get scared if it’d gone more than a couple of days since I ‘put out’

He thinks he can just break us when he wants & try fix things when caught. He doesn’t realise the damage he’s caused me to live with that I already have to carry around daily. Now more again. That’s not love, it’s not respect not for me, our son or our marriage. 

I’m isolated & feel so broken. 

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Gem Gem thank you for being real, for being you, for sharing your frustrations and distress.

Your husband feels he's the victim of the addiction...he is in a way, but not the real victims who are you and your son.  

You are not stupid, you may feel it. I did when I bit by bit unearthed the addiction of my ex husband. I felt how naïve I'd been to trust this guy who had hung, drawn and quartered our marriage.  Yes there had been glimpses of recognition from time to time but his old patterns of behaviour returned time and time again. I felt caught up in a web of deceit and duplicity and that I felt powerless to escape. 

On one occasion I nearly crashed on my bike into a mum with her child in a buggy. I felt that  life was a blur, as if I was in a bubble, muffled voices around me. I felt in a parallel universe.

My ex too seemed to think that he could just beg for forgiveness and then 'rinse and repeat'. He really had no idea of the damage that he'd done and to this day I truly believe that he still doesn't.

 Gem Gem please reach out and get help.  As Christine says take an hour at a time. There are many on this forum who have been through or still going through very similar experiences to yours. 

You are not alone.

A big hug to you x

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10 hours ago, Chrissy said:

Gem Gem thank you for being real, for being you, for sharing your frustrations and distress.

Your husband feels he's the victim of the addiction...he is in a way, but not the real victims who are you and your son.  

You are not stupid, you may feel it. I did when I bit by bit unearthed the addiction of my ex husband. I felt how naïve I'd been to trust this guy who had hung, drawn and quartered our marriage.  Yes there had been glimpses of recognition from time to time but his old patterns of behaviour returned time and time again. I felt caught up in a web of deceit and duplicity and that I felt powerless to escape. 

On one occasion I nearly crashed on my bike into a mum with her child in a buggy. I felt that  life was a blur, as if I was in a bubble, muffled voices around me. I felt in a parallel universe.

My ex too seemed to think that he could just beg for forgiveness and then 'rinse and repeat'. He really had no idea of the damage that he'd done and to this day I truly believe that he still doesn't.

 Gem Gem please reach out and get help.  As Christine says take an hour at a time. There are many on this forum who have been through or still going through very similar experiences to yours. 

You are not alone.

A big hug to you x

Thanks Chrissy, yes that’s exactly it.... like being in an parallel universe and everyone else’s voices quiet & muffled. Disassociation. 
His shift was 3am till 1am & he spent most of it texting me to please please let him come back to sleep in the box room & prove to me that he will stick to 12 step & therapy.  I ranted to most of the texts he sent telling him no. 
I tried to hide my distress in front of our son  but when I put him to bed he cupped my face & said ‘mum you look & sound so sad, what is it? You can tell me anything’ I said it’s just a headache but his face told me he didn’t really believe me. He’s a sensitive kid, very good at picking up on emotions & will cry at the animal abuse adverts etc. He’s incredibly kind & very family oriented. 
He adores me & his Dad. I hate my husband for doing this to us again. I think little one doesn’t remember the separation as he was only 3 but he was distressed at the time. 
I text husband to say he can stay in box room but that I’m doing it for little one not for him & that it’s only temporary till I make a final decision. 
I can’t help but thinking that addicts use our love of our kids to be able to stay. 
Im so exhausted. Bad tummy since the discovery. 
I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep with him again. At the same time I remember the trauma bonding sex that eventually happened after the first two discoveries years ago & it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I was so in need of comfort. 
He ruined sex for me. It’s never been the same for me because it’s filled with fear & doubt.... not freedom. 
There is nobody for me to lean on. I have text my counsellor asking for an appointment but I’ve not seen her in a while & she’s not messaged back. I wish my Mum was still here 😢

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I don’t know weather to start new topics or just carry on here like a journal? I don’t want to be constantly spamming as I’m working through this. 
I hate him so much. 
I can feel myself stuck in this anger..shaking. There’s only so much trauma you can put a person through before there’s no going back. Each time it’s robbed from our relationship. Each time it’s permanently changed everything & broken me/us. What’s left? 
No trust. No normal sex life for me ever again with him. The grief of losing the person I thought he was, who he pretended to be. Not being able to look at wedding pictures without cringing inside. Pretending I’m recovering when I’m not. 
Living with the constant fear of devastation happening all over again. Living with the fear his addiction will suddenly appear on my 8yr old tablet when he’s playing on it.... what sort of depraved scumbag does that? 
How dare he say he loves me & our child & do that. How dare he say I’m all he wants/needs & go searching out a million other women. 
 

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Gem Gem,

if this is an outlet to share your feelings and help to process your pain then use this forum. Please don't feel that those difficult feelings are not welcome here....they are.  This is the real you. It's also really crucial that others who are on the same journey but perhaps are unable to express their emotions 'hear' yours and so begin to be able to appropriate those same feelings for themselves.

I didn't really get angry with my ex husband until about a year and a half after he'd left, such was the trauma and warped thinking I had experienced. But hey when I found my voice and got angry I was swearing and feeling such aggression towards him for about 3 months! At first I was very surprised at the depth of feelings I experienced, I suppose really due to the suppression of them for so long. Also the swearing which if anyone knows me would say was totally out of character!   However my adult children thought this was real liberation for their mum.

I agree that there is zero trust and that the thought of a sex life with him filled me with revulsion. Yes there is grief too.... the grieving process is an up and down journey but it's trajectory is forward.

Big hug Gem Gem xx

 

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16 hours ago, Chrissy said:

Gem Gem,

if this is an outlet to share your feelings and help to process your pain then use this forum. Please don't feel that those difficult feelings are not welcome here....they are.  This is the real you. It's also really crucial that others who are on the same journey but perhaps are unable to express their emotions 'hear' yours and so begin to be able to appropriate those same feelings for themselves.

I didn't really get angry with my ex husband until about a year and a half after he'd left, such was the trauma and warped thinking I had experienced. But hey when I found my voice and got angry I was swearing and feeling such aggression towards him for about 3 months! At first I was very surprised at the depth of feelings I experienced, I suppose really due to the suppression of them for so long. Also the swearing which if anyone knows me would say was totally out of character!   However my adult children thought this was real liberation for their mum.

I agree that there is zero trust and that the thought of a sex life with him filled me with revulsion. Yes there is grief too.... the grieving process is an up and down journey but it's trajectory is forward.

Big hug Gem Gem xx

 

I keep asking why? Like we all do I guess. 
One of the most hurtful truths (and one of the only truths he’s ever volunteered) is that although he did this behind his ex’s back.... it was never as much or as bad as what he’s done since being with me 😭 yet I’m supposed to believe I’m the love of his life. I’m supposed to believe there is no reason for this? 
His ex treated him like crap, left him home with their child while she went off with other lads. 
I’ve always been loving, kind & supportive of him. I’ve stuck up for him when his family haven’t treated him right. I went to court with him when he was trying to sort access out with his ex. 
Why the hell has he been worse to me in regards to his addiction than to his ex. Makes me sick. 
I can’t look at him without my skin crawling & waves of rage & absolute grief. 
I identify with what you’ve said about swearing, I’ve been swearing like a dock worker in our rows. I think it’s because there aren’t adequate words to convey the level of pain they’ve caused. 
Big hug to you too xx

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