Partner is serial cheater and compulsive liar

[Gaslight]

Hi everyone, 

I'm brand new to this all. I've been with my partner 10 months, after a spout of heart aches and bad boyfriends for the two years before. I met my bf and thought finally, this is someone I see a future with. 

There was a rocky start where I found he was talking to another girl, but lied about it. We never really sorted that out as he gas lighted me about it, saying it was in my head. 

I've always known there was something up. I have so many male friends that I didn't want to be that gf who said he can't have female friends. So I went against my judgement and encouraged him to see and speak to his female friends. 

About a week ago I got a message from his ex, who I don't know. She said my bf had tried to get her to sleep with him in December and she only just found out he had a gf at the time. She said he'd done the same to her. 

So then I sat my bf down and spent three horrific days trying to figure out what's going on. It took a lot of me pulling things from him, getting evidence from his phone and even when presented with evidence, he still tried to lie. Even though I knew most of it anyway. 

So the damage is this. He slept around for the first two months with people online. He lied to me and took a trip to see the girl I knew he had been speaking to, and spent the night with her. And yet he continued to say it was in my head. He then had a few one night stands around that time too. He then reached out to another girl he used to know online saying how he hates how much he misses her. He then went to stay with his best friend late summer, and slept with her twice. With this one, it was pre planned as they spent the day discussing it. He lied and told her he was in an open relationship. This is his longest most dear friend who he has now lost. He spent the day messaging me, whilst discussing how they were going to sleep together that night. He then introduced me to this friend a month later, taking me to her house. He sat me on the sofa they had sex on. I kept asking why, as he didn't need to do this. He said he didn't think about it. About two weeks ago, this friend messaged him, saying her new date was "friendly, good looking oh and a dom". He went out of his way to come over and show me the message, and said "wow we never talk about sex. This is so weird, what should I reply?". It is moments like this that hurt me, as that was unnecessary. I would never have seen that message as don't even know the code to his phone. 

Then there is the online affair. He posts constantly in forums saying he's looking for someone to meet. He met this girl on there, who was on some infidelity forum too. I saw messages of my bf saying how he wants an illicit affair behind his gfs back, and that's what excites him. The girl also has a partner. So they spent 2/3 of our relationship every day chatting on a secret messaging app. Sending photos and videos and voice clips, saying how much they like each other. He called her a nickname, said how much he wanted her in his bed. They would sext a lot. He also sent her photos of himself when me and him were on dates or walks. He sent her photos of things I got him for presents. He sent her everything he sent me, and more. He kept trying to meet with her and last week had invited her to his flat where he said he had planned to sleep with her in our bed. Then in Jan he met up with her. She said no to sex at first date. They walked. Then a week later he asked why she had been quiet. She said she didn't want the sex part anymore and just wanted to be friends. So this sent him in a spiral as it was rejection, and it hurt him so then he then mass text all the women in his life that he had slept with or had previously engaged in sexting with, asking for more sex or sexting. This included his friend from earlier on, an ex, and others. Despite her being very secretive, I've actually found her online. I found where she works. And the irony is she helps people for her job. And yet I don't have any plans to do anything with that info. It just hurts to see her there, unaffected by this all. And potentially doing it again to someone else. 

Throughout the whole of our relationship, my bf spams people online, on forums. Reaching out to anyone either with sex or with normal chat. This is about up to 30 messages a day. He used different apps and messaging services to send people photos of his naked body, with his face in them. And would share a photo that we had shared online, of our bodies close up. So this means with his face being shown, they could potentially track down who I am fairly easily with the other info he told them. And now they have a naked photo of me (although it was shared online, but it was meant to be untraceable). 

There was also a friend of his who I didn't like him talking to as he kept talking about her so fondly, and hating her bf. He also told me they had kissed before we met. We had a massive argument in Jan about it. Eventually he said he wouldn't want to hurt me so will stop talking to his friend. I felt very guilty and told him this, saying I hate that she has lost her friend. He used to bring it up, as a "look what I'm doing for you". But it turns out he never stopped talking to her. He actually told her I said not to talk to her, and he will do it anyway. Then he tried to sext her last week. It tuned out also they had slept together before me. He actually cheated on his ex, with this woman. And she knew he was with someone at the time too. 

The last time he slept with someone they didn't use protection. So I could have an sti. He also could have brought covid into my house. 

So then we come to the lying. He lies about so many different things. Things that don't matter or bring him any gain. When caught in a lie, he can't stop. And he even gas lights me to stop himself admitting it. I've gone to cbt for anxiety last month, which he pushed, and came off my anti depressants in Nov. And yet he still chose to say it is in my head, than admit he got a take away (that was one of the lies). By the way I love take away and would not care at all. 

So this all came out last week. He has been so distraught and crying and opened up to me. He never has admitted the severity of this all before. He has lied to people since he was a child. He let me tell his friend he had lied, and now she has removed him from her life. He also reached out to his mum (who left the family home when he was young) and tell her this. He also let me phone her and fill in details, so she gets a full understanding of how bad the situation is. 

One thing I'm struggling with is this. Is this the behaviour of somebody who is actually facing mental health issues. Or is it somebody who has chosen consciously to live that life, but wants to keep me around to have his cake and eat it too? It is the pre planned part and the harshness of gas lighting me and forgoing my mental health, physical health (sti and covid) that really hurt. 

Currently we are trying to get him the professional help he needs. And have had a relate session. I'm starting a new high power job in a month or so, and just don't know what to do. 

 

[Firefly]

Welcome to the Forum. I have finally read the whole of your story and so sorry to hear your pain. I am glad you are getting help and your BF is looking at getting professional help.

It does sound as if he is showing the signs of sex addiction, which might be due to childhood trauma, so he needs to look at finding help from a person or organisation that specialises in Sex addiction.

You need to look at help for yourself and if you have not seen the blog then this one might be a good start. 

https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction--selfcare

You are not alone and there are many other on this Forum who understand the rollercoaster 🎢 you are on.

Take good care.

[Gaslight]

Thank you Firefly. After ten days since I found out, we got to a "good" place of him saying he felt so good having uncovered everything and being truthful. But then I found more things, including a woman he was trying to meet with last month, who works where I do. And a six month relationship that overlapped with mine by three months. So I think I've realised it's going to be a long and hard journey, as he can't act in the way he wants to. So yes I think addiction is the right thing to look at for professional help. And I really hope it'll give him the support he needs and deserves. 

Thank you, I'll take a look at the blog. I've been considering going back to counselling for myself too. I'll keep thinking. 

Thanks firefly.