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Feel so alone and hurt


Lorna
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I’ve come to realise recently that my partner , well ex partner which is what makes this so crazy because it’s nothing to do with me what he does anymore, is a sex addict. We broke up a couple of months ago after nearly 4 years because he said he just didn’t ‘like me like that’ but he’s still living with me and because I wasn’t the one that called it off I feel myself clinging to him. We recently spoke very openly and honestly about his past ‘numbers’ which got to 200 and he stopped counting and if he had started seeing someone as he’s started to be very secretive with his phone. I have never had any desire to look in his phone before he started hiding it. Funny that! He has been talking to a couple of women on my area (he’s not from around here, moved in about 8 months ago with all that’s going on) which he says he’s only been talking to, sex chat on FaceTime and things but I’m convinced he’s seen a lot more of them than that in person. I then broke my own cardinal rule and snooped in his phone. Awful thing to do I know but I just couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. Reading the things he’s written and messages about picking them up (in MY car) has made me absolutely sick. They are very different to me, about 20 /25 years older (I’m 36) I just don’t understand it. I feel so so alone as the one person in my life I put all of my trust has broken my heart. I can’t talk to anyone, people don’t know we have split up and the situation is such a mess. He told me also that he’s been talking to them for months. I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to get through this. He goes back to London tomorrow for a few days as he has a childcare bubble and i just know he is going to see one of them before he leaves. I get that he is now officially my ex but I just don’t feel like I can cope. 

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Hi Lorna, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.  I can completely imagine that it wouldn’t be any easier because it’s a (newly) ex partner.  Betrayal is betrayal whatever the current status of your relationship.

If there’s anything that you can take away from the horrible stuff you’ve found out is that his behaviour is nothing to do with your personality, physical appearance, emotional life, brain and so on.  It really sounds from what you’ve said that he has deeply-rooted problems that are causing him to act like this.  

While you’re still in shock after discovery you can only take it one day (or one minute) at a time, remember to breathe deeply and be as kind to yourself as you would be to one of your friends if they experienced something so upsetting.  I’m not in any way completely recovered, but can attest from my own experience and reading that of other partners on here that it does get easier once the trauma of discovery has subsided a bit.  I talked to the Samaritans a few times at the beginning which was actually really helpful.  Also distracting myself with work, exercise and so on helped to get me through the initial stages (though not easy in covid).

Sending good wishes to you and hope that you feel a little bit better soon.
 

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Lorna,

Thank you for being brave and vulnerable in sharing this experience.  You have shown both courage and integrity in the face of betrayal.  

Deception and duplicity cut to the very core of our intimacy and on your part you have been trustworthy and faithful.  This is a reason why the pain and anguish is SO intense.  As a-struggling-partner has suggested, being kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Perhaps when he's away allow yourself time to make a plan. You will get through it.  We are testimony to that.

Sending you a big virtual hug

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Oh Lorna, there is nothing so crushing as learning that the person you thought you knew so well isn't that person at all! One thing that we all have in common on this forum is that we feel so alone.  Sadly, there are many of us, all hidden in a shame which isn't ours to carry.  In the early days, sometimes I had to actually remind myself to breathe.  Just know that you are not alone, and that all of us make our way taking tiny steps, even if we don't quite know where we are headed.  Be kind to yourself and remember that you did not cause this, and you certainly can't cure it; all you can do is take good care of yourself.  x

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