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Bluebell

Porn and affair

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Hi everyone,

I can't believe I'm here.  This is an unknown world - as I'm sure it is for many.

My husband got stuck abroad during Lockdown as he was clinically vulnerable.  I challenged him on the phone because he was not calling etc, being neglectful. To cut a long story short -  Turns out while I was longing for him to come home and feeling sorry for him because he must be lonely, he has been living with this girl for the past 9 months and claims he is deeply in love with her.  

To add to the shock, he tells me for the past 15 years of our marriage he has been viewing porn and seen the occasional sex worker.  

This discovery was 3 weeks ago.  At the point of discovery he was ready to leave his family and start a new life with her.  Since then he has had a change of heart - started therapy (his acting out has been opportunistic due to stress at work, travel), set up accountability; coming home; and willing to try marriage counselling. 

I'm devastated.  Unsure of the way forward.  Some of the books I've read say infidelity is different to addiction.  My husband seems to think the affair wasn't to do with his addiction and seems sorry for the porn / workers / drink element; but not yet for the affair.  

Any help or thoughts would be appreciated.  Has anyone else been in same position with porn, sex workers AND an affair?

Thank you for any replies.  I don't know who to turn to. 

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Hi Bluebell,

I’m so sorry that you find yourself here. I can feel your pain. I have sadly discovered there are many of us, some never share their story, so well done for doing just that! My story is on this forum. I was devastated when I found out about my husband’s secret world. He had a lot of therapy, and still is, and is now understanding his actions and the impact this has had on his life, and mine. It is hard when we have lived a happy life with our partner, then to learn it was not as it seemed. Firstly, I have learned, that is not our fault. Secondly, it is for him to fix himself, and for you to put yourself first. Something I still struggle with. There are lots of good resources on this site, and other sites on the internet. I have read so many books, and papers and forums. My head understands now, but my heart hasn’t quite caught up.  I’m still a work in progress! 
please practice self care, that is important.

big hugs 

xx

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Dear Bluebell! 

Yes I am very familiar with a similiar situation as yours is! 

As it all happened two years ago my partner was away for work too. Not only did his porn habits escalate, he also started an affair, with a look a like, who went easy on him. 

Selfhelp Groups call themselves SLAA. S for Sexaddiction  and L for Loveaddiction as I understood it. Searching for love, for new love or not beeing able to let an opportunity go, is from my perspective something that can go hand in hand with Porn and Sexaddiction, as it is a great antidepressant and gives an escape from beeing selfhating and shamedriven. 

Therapy and selfcare is needed for both sides in this story and I assure you, reading good intel about this problem as is provided here and talking or trusted ones is really helping! Either if u are staying or if you are not, you will be okay again! 

I hope you feel less alone since u wrote your post here, because you are not alone! 

all the best!

Edited by stillinlove

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