Newbie

[Fairy85]

Hi all. 

So I'm new to not only this forum but this addiction as well. It recently came out after discovering messages arranging secret casual sexual hookups on his phone that my boyfriend is a sex addict. He has told me a few things from his past and only admitted to the stuff that I have found whilst we were together, and says that he mainly arranges these sex hookups with prostitutes. The messages that I have found were during the beginning 5 months of our relationship and we have been together for just over a year now. I am also 5 months pregnant, we are expecting a baby girl. He swears that it all stopped after we moved in together, although I have a hard time believing that as it was during that time that I obviously started noticing more strange patterns in his behavior amd we started fighting and he started clearing his phone, so I cannot prove otherwise and like I said he has only admitted to what I can find and prove. He told me that it was during this time that he was also using drugs and gambling heavily. I have been in a relationship with a drug addict before and learned the hard way to not accept the nice stories about 'how its different with me etc' and needless to say that relationship ended badly. I have confronted him about all of this and we have had both vicious arguments and gentle conversations, he was crying during some of these and yesterday he agreed (not easily) to go to therapy. I told him that I need to see for the sake of this baby that he is making a converted effort to adjust things and that I don't believe him that it has stopped and I don't trust him anymore or else I will have to leave as I am not prepared to out up with the messing around, not only due to emotional pain but the health implications it brings as well. Again he swears blue in the face that it is over.  He told me to find the therapist and that he will go, with me as well. I have read a couple of posts on this forum and have seen that more often than not even during or after therapy the behavior and cheating continues and am concerned that it happens in my situation as well. I guess what I am asking is that many of you have more experience in situations like this, what is the likelihood that it stops completely and NEVER happens again? Should I cut my losses and end the relationship and move out and start trying to put a plan together for the two of us to peacefully Co parent or stick it out. I know myself as well and just won't get over it if it happens again. He is not a bad person, which is what guts me as well. 

[Firefly]

Dear Fairy85, Welcome to the Forum and very sorry to hear your story. As you will see from other posts your experience is very similar but of course that does not take away your experiences and the associated feelings. If you have not already seen the blogs have a look at this one.

The partner’s journey through sex addiction (thelaurelcentre.co.uk)

I hope others might be able to share their own experiences, but firstly look after yourself and don't make any quick decisions.

I am glad that your husband has come to realise he needs help! As you say he has to OWN this himself, however I point to the following blog which may be of help.

Want to beat your sex addiction? Don’t walk alone (thelaurelcentre.co.uk)

[Kaykay]

Hiya. My experience is quite different to lots of the partners on here. When I met my partner he would commit for 6 months. I put it down to his dad dying 3 months before we met. But just before we got together he told me how much of a mess he was that he had used prostitutes since his dad died. I appreciated the honesty but my gut told me something was up. He was sleeping with several other ppl at the same time as me and I stupidly was OK with it as we weren't 'official' I now see that that is bollocks. 

 

About a month after getting together 'properly' he was showing me pics of him travelling. There were pictures of a prostitute. I now knew something was up. He was following hundreds of insta model accounts, still in contact with ppl he had slept with in the past. At one point I found him paying for videos. This was October 2018. At this point I didn't know what it was but I knew something was wrong. It was the drip drip disclosure that I was getting. I told him go to counselling or I'm leaving. He went to counselling and in May 2019 it all came out. He had never cheated. But had been sleeping with prostitutes and 7 women at the same time until we got together. He said he had stopped from the October and I believed him. As over those months I noticed a change in him. He wasn't so sexually driven, he wasn't talking sex all the time or saying inappropriate things at inappropriate times. 

 

I do believe he hadn't acted out since then. But things do keep coming up from the past. The therapist from Laurel explained that with addiction you go into like a zombie state and start acting out. So he doesn't remember half the stuff he did. It's painful for it to keep coming up. 

 

But I do believe he hasn't done anything. We both saw a Laurel therapist a few times but then lockdown came and I fell pregnant and it went to the bottom of our list. I still need to go as I'm not over it. He only got an actual diagnosis February last year. It's been hard. But there is hope. 

 

3 years all together for us to get that acceptance and diagnosis. But just over a year for the acting out to stop. I think age has a factor. I've noticed older men who have had the addiction longer seem to go back. I may be wrong though. 

 

If you have any questions feel free to ask xx

[Selfworth]

Hi Fairy85

I have been married over 40 years and discovered my husbands sex addiction six years ago. He immediately began attending a 12 step program and has not acted out.  My experience has been that the older men in the 12 step  group have stopped acting out AND are embracing full recovery much more than the younger men. 
The younger men keep getting their “one month chip” over and over again while the older men are progressively getting past five, six and up to 16 years. 
I would never encourage beginning with couples counselling as the addict will lie. I found a therapist, I met him and told him the TRUE story. My husband attended  a therapy session with me and the therapist told him straight out that if he wants the truth he will ask me. A wise therapist knows the addict will lie or skew the truth. My husband attended 10 more sessions then had to stop due to finances. Since then, my husband has not acted out but the “cycle of abuse” continues. The abuse (lying, gas lighting, manipulating, refusing to talk about his recovery or my healing, stonewalling and defensiveness).

I started a support group for betrayed partners of sex addicts four years ago. I have a degree in psychology so I have a very good understanding of this addiction and the pain it causes the partner. In my group the majority of couples have separated or divorced (not dependent on age) as they stopped acting out but the narcissistic behaviours continued. I can’t tell you what to do but I would highly recommend checking out Betrayal Trauma Recovery (btr.org) and look for the interview with Dr. Omar Minwalla (sex addiction therapist and trauma in partners). Also, Dr.Barbara Steffens is in several interviews on YouTube. 

I am so sorry you are going through this; my heart goes out to you. Please take care of yourself first, find a support group (we use zoom) and if possible, a trauma therapist.  
 

[Christine]

Facing the addiction and acknowledging this is the first step, a 12 step group can be extremely helpful but the groups vary, so it is important to consider a few groups before deciding which one to attend.

Therapy is also a useful option and as long as you work with someone who specialises in the field, both for the person with the addiction and the partner.

It is important that as a partner you are able to work through the betrayal and trauma, regardless of what decision you may or may not make about the relationship in the future. 

The partner's perspective by Paula Hall is a helpful book for partner's, which you may find beneficial. 

[Fairy85]

So as it turns out we have our first therapy session scheduled for tomorrow and he cannot even be honest on the pre-questionairre and 'homework', nowhere does he even admit to any of it. I don't even see the point in going anymore. Guess I have my answer. 

[Kaykay]

He may feel more comfortable when he is actually in there. Or even on his own with the therapist. X

[John D]

Hi Fairy85,

I realise that this will all be very raw for you right now; for both of you but with the right support you can both move forward to a place of clarity and resolution. Unfortunately there is no easy way to judge how long this will take.

When I work with couples in this situation I often suggest individual therapy is better rather than couple therapy at the start because both you and your partner will have different needs right now. Shame, Anger, Regret, Self Doubt are all very powerful emotions and it's sometimes hard to think clearly when it's so painful.

Have you seen Paula's book on Sex Addiction - A Guide for Couples ? It may be of some comfort for you during this painful Impact stage since you discovered your partners behaviour.