Still not over it after 3 years

[Snowpatrol]

Hi everyone 

just some background on our situation. 
In summer 2017 I discovered my husband had been using sex workers and it turned out it had been going on since late 2011. That was a double shock we had two more children during the time which I’ve found hard to get over. 
when I discovered it he was relieved and immediately told me how he felt he could finally fix this problem and got in touch with a sex addiction therapist to talk it over.

He appears to be reformed but it’s always in the back of my mind that I didn’t even notice it happening before and it could happen again. 

it  just left me feeling a low self esteem and insecure and questioning everything. 
when we are together I have images of what he might have done and with who. Not all the time but it’s torture. 
 

finally I was always faithful and feel foolish. 
I tried to understand so many times this condition but still I Can’t get over it. 
anyone else??

 

Thank you for listening :)

[Sunflower]

Snow patrol. I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. My heart goes out to you. I am 20 months in and a year today I had full disclosure. I have exactly the same thoughts! I love my husband so much and he’s not a bad man, but getting over something like this still feels impossible.  I haven’t been on here for ages as I just couldn’t face it. Does your husband talk about it? Does he share his recovery progress with you? For me this is crucial, but I always have to instigate it. Have you had any counselling for yourself? Sending you love xx

[Snowpatrol]

Hi sunflower thank you. It’s so nice to speak to someone who understands.

I hope that you will reach a point when you feel better time is a great healer  

I think mainly for me it’s the shame I felt around it. Having a secret no one knew about. 
Also not knowing the time it was going on. And thinking how I missed it all happening under my nose. 
I had a bit of counselling but I think I need more. My husband had a few sessions and then seems to be fine. He removed everything that was an issue before. Such as separate accounts, hidden password on his phone. He seems to be a reformed person now and over it. But for me I think back to years past when it was happening and what was happening. 
we talk about it sometimes. 
I think the main issue is that for him it’s gone and for me it still lingers. It affected the way I saw myself and all the memories. I have always been faithful and questioned if it was worth it! 

[Ginny]

Dear Snowpatrol, thank you for sharing your story.   The healing journey for the partner is very different to the one of the addicted partner.   For the addicted partner, there is generally a sense of relief that the secret is out and they then get busy with positive steps in understanding their addictive behaviour and working towards a life without the addiction.   For the partner, it is a massive shock as they did not know about the behaviour.  Their world has been turned upside down.  There is a level of trauma that needs to be healed from as well as trying to decide if they can trust their loved one ever again.   Going back to counselling might be a good idea, as 3 years on, you will (I assume) are over the initial shock and have different things to process now, than what you processed at the time.  The partner blog page is also a good resource for different stages of the healing journey for the partner.   Take care of yourself Ginny

[Ann Hedonia]

Hi Snowpatrol, like Sunflower, I haven't been able to face coming on here lately, but I know that there is nowhere else where I can  speak what is in my heart to people who truly get it.  I found out about my partner's betrayal(s) on 1st June last year.  I probably don't need to tell anyone reading this about how awful that day was, and how difficult it was over those first few months.  However, he is working his recovery in his 12 step group and with his therapist, and all of that is good.  I regularly tell him, sincerely, how proud I am of him.  I see the changes in him, and I appreciate them.  He can  now tolerate hearing me say how upset I was/am, or telling him that I can see when he has slipped, and by and large, we get through those conversations constructively and with love.  However, like you Snowpatrol, I am wracked with doubts.  I knew last summer that he was not in a good place, but each summer his mood plummets; I had no idea that he was lost in a world of degrading fantasy.  I have multiple post graduate qualifications in mental health, including addiction. I loved this man and I would have said that we had a close and trusting relationship (too trusting perhaps!), so you can imagine how I beat myself up every day for missing what he was doing.  And my worry is that if I missed it once, might I miss it again?  He has never made a disclosure, instead, I have always confronted him with my concerns, and on the 1st of June, I checked his phone.  I don't want to be the porn police.  One of the biggest losses of this whole mess has been my loss of confidence in myself, in my judgement and, frankly, my value as a human being.  

Besides his individual recovery, and mine, I think we have to recover as a couple.  He agrees, but it's always me that takes the lead in asking for ways to make that happen.  My calendar gets full quite far ahead, so I asked him what his thoughts were about the 1 year anniversary of that terrible day.  He said we should just go to work as normal and that it was morbid to mark such a horrible day, but that if I wanted us to do something together, he would take the day off.  This feels like an abdication of his part in our joint recovery, and that my organising something for that day and him coming along for the ride completely misses the point.  

I would welcome the thoughts of other women in my position.  As a society, we mark Armistice Day and Holocaust Memorial Day, etc, to reflect and learn how not to allow these things to happen again.  Is it morbid to want us as a couple to do this?  How do the rest of you cope with anniversaries of this kind?  How do you cope with the crippling self-doubt?  Where is the line between asking for what you want in a relationship, and being the Butlins Redcoat of the relationship?  Ann.  

[Amy]

Hi Snowpatrol,

I too am struggling with leaving what he did behind us. It has happened too many times over many years. He is getting help and quite happy saying it is in the past. I had some help but I can't forget  what he did. As you describe, there are so many things trigger memories and ruin any transient happiness or peace I have. I am at the point where I think we can't continue.

Does anyone ever truly get past what they did?

Amy

[Kaykay]

I'm there with you guys. Will we ever get over it? Has anyone managed to? Xx

[Ann Hedonia]

Can a partner heal if the addict isn't being honest?  How many chances do we give them?  My partner has admitted that he is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  He says that he hides the truth from me, because he fears that I will reject him (I have discovered some shockingly awful and painful things and still haven't rejected him, because I understand this is the addict part of him, and that he wants to be someone other than the addict).  Then he hides and minimises relatively small things, compared to my initial discovery.  I have said repeatedly that it is the lies and secrecy that will break us up, not the truth, however painful.  He says he hates himself for setting up this double bind, where he is creating a scenario where he can prove to himself yet again that he is a shame-filled unworthy being who is so unhappy with himself that he has to act out - so that addict wins again, and two people who fundamentally love each other lose, not to mention my step-son with whom I have developed a loving relationship over the last six years.  I feel totally stuck.  He has agreed to go to couples therapy, in addition to the personal therapy that he has weekly.  His therapist told him he had to start being honest with himself in order to be honest with me.  I know in the past he has lied in couples therapy with his ex.  I wonder if I am just wasting my time and money trying this route, when the addict in him is bound and determined to push me away.  There is so much love between us, and his son, but I wonder if love is enough.  I am wondering the same question as Kaykay, above.  

[Kath]

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and bringing this up. It helps to know I’m not alone, but am sorry to know others feel like this. I’m 21/2 years post discovery and nearly 2 years post disclosure. I’ve gone through the partners group. He’s gone through group therapy at another clinic until Covid. We’ve had couples therapy. He’s very positive about his recovery, and I see the positive changes, but I just can’t forget how easily he lied whilst living a separate fantasy life and how I didn’t see what was happening over the course of our 18 years together. I can’t trust him and  it breaks my heart. I don’t feel he would tell me of any relapse, it would be up to me to discover. I can hardly remember now what it feels like to not be carrying this heavy burden in my chest or to feel lighthearted and happy.  I’m hoping as we come out of Covid restrictions I’ll start to feel more like me again...but I’m not so sure. I wish I had a positive story to share. 

[Snowpatrol]

Hi everyone. It’s a long road for sure and time does heal. Since I posted the original message we have started couples therapy. It’s really helping a lot. 

We have a way to go but we have been together through so much I hope our relationship can survive past this to better things in the future of which we are starting to see. 

it helps a lot to see everyone supporting each other as it’s a lonely place and only people who have experienced it can fully understand. 
 

One thing I never did was share it with anyone. Only my mum knew. The therapist told me I’ve been carrying a lot and protected my husband so much. I wonder why I did this. Maybe the shame And maybe I wanted to protect him and my children. 
did anyone share extensively? Did it help?