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healing without disclosure


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Has anyone any experience of healing their relationship when the unfaithful partner has refused a therapeutic disclosure? I have asked if I will be receiving a disclosure from him, facilitated by his therapist whenever he feels ready and he told me there will be no disclosure as " there is nothing to tell" I know everything. I have had to play detective at every turn during this journey and he only admits to things I have proof of, he has never voluntarily disclosed anything and now this. Even if he told me nothing new it was important to me to have him recount things in his own words so I might gain some understanding to why he was unfaithful over a number of years, I also wanted clarity over when things happened as I am so confused over everything and cannot think straight, I question myself constantly and am unsure what is true in our life together. Part of me thinks he may be ashamed but a bigger part believes he won't do a disclosure as he cannot remember what he told me previously and doesn't want to get caught out for other cheating I may be unaware of. I am so disappointed, sad and confused how this person who tells me they love me refuses to do something that could help me heal, all the while saying he wants this relationship. Maybe this is just his way of keeping me confused so I cannot make clear choices for myself, I don't know what to think anymore.

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Dear Badirene, thank you for asking this question. 

The main purpose of a therapeutic disclosure, is to help the couple draw a line in the sand from the past behaviour and to move forward in their relationship.  The disclosure is called therapeutic because it's main purpose is to be one of healing.   It does sound like that your partner is not understanding your reason for the therapeutic disclosure to get a timeline clear in your head and also an opportunity for you to ask questions, even if it is him saying "no, there is nothing else to know".   Maybe your partner does not fully understand how the therapeutic disclosure is managed.  I would suggest he talks to his therapist about his fears and why he is resisting going through the process.  Hopefully the therapist can reassure him.  This blog explains how the therapeutic disclosure is managed through the Laurel Centre:   https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/sex-addiction--guide-for-couples

I also attach a blog, on how couples rebuild their life together.  This might be a good discussion point for you both when looking at your relationship


I hope the above helps.

Kind Regards,  Ginny

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