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Fool me once

Telling children

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This week I stumbled onto information which lead to my husband disclosing his infidelities. For years he has been addicted to porn and visiting prostitutes. I am angry, distraught and physically ill. A lot of the anger is at myself. You see, 20+ years ago I discovered my husband was using porn and phone sex lines. He claimed it was an addiction. He went to therapy and a 12 step group and when we moved he claimed he was cured. He explained it as an error of an immature mind. I bought it. We built a life filled with children, careers, community service and faith based activities. Many would say we are the perfect couple, pillars in our community. He used to say we are so connected we think with the same brain and heart. In one horrible moment all that we built has crumbled. He’s acting remorseful. Has seen a therapist. Tells me all that he will do to make amends but I am dead inside. The thought of telling everyone is beyond humiliating. I imagine people blaming me saying obviously I wasn’t there for him or I’m terrible in bed. We had an open, active, playful romantic life. Never any indication he wasn’t satisfied. True soul mates. What a fraud. I have had  to put on a  happy face all week because of the holidays. I haven’t had time to process everything. He’s begging me to stay. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice...It would be easier to stay and be quiet for the sake of our family and public life. Financially it would be easier for me. I just know I will never be able to erase the images swirling in my brain or trust him again   I will miss the life we had planned. His therapist wants me to go to a session. I’m not the one who did this. . Our children are college age. We will be telling them this week. No one in our family or circle is divorced and definitely not dealing with this humiliation. Any advice on how you told your children , their reaction and how long it takes to move on would be appreciated. 

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Hi Fool me once. Welcome to the Forum and very sorry to hear your story. As you will see from other posts your experience is very similar but of course that does not take away any of the anger, being distraught and being physically ill. If you have not already seen the blogs have a look at this one.

The partner’s journey through sex addiction (thelaurelcentre.co.uk)

I don't have any experience of telling children but from my own experience as a child I would have preferred that my parents problems had been shared with me, not sugar coated and with honesty. I unfortunately was left feeling that my parents problems had something to do with me!!

I hope others might be able to share their own experiences, but firstly look after yourself and don't make any quick decisions.

Take care.

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Thank you for your input. Firefly and Ginny.  I will take your advice. Each day that passes by I feel worse than the day before. I don’t think I can get past this. 
Fool me once

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Hi Fool, I can’t just read and not comment. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. We have no children, we were not blessed so I can’t give any advice. Telling anyone is so very hard. I had no choice. People, total strangers, knew before me. The shock and horror initially then through the many months of slow disclosure was like torture. 
I have learned that I need to look after myself first and foremost. It is not my fault, as it isn’t yours. But there are reasons for the addiction, and that needs work, and he needs to work on that first. Please take good care of yourself and your children  xx

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Thank you Tabs. I am sorry for your pain and suffering as well.  I appreciate your advice.  Do you mind if I ask if you decided to stay? 

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Hi Fool, I don’t mind you asking at all. For me, I don’t feel I can continue with the marriage. We have not been able to live together anyway since the event, and I don’t think I can get over his betrayal, and the devastation and pain he has caused me. 

I still care however, so I don’t want him to suffer any more. I love him, but I’m not in love....I’ve heard that said before but only now understand what it means! 
 

I was advised early on not to make any quick decisions, so that’s what I am doing.

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