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LostAtSea

Should I tell my ex partners mum he is addicted to coke?

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I hope someone with experience or wisdom may be able to offer me some advice. My ex partner is a binge pattern coke addict. We were together for 3 tumultuous years, during which I became anxious, depressed and terrified as my I lost the man I loved to addiction. I managed to leave and have spent that last 6 months trying to recognise my contribution through enabling and healing from the damage of an incredibly confusing toxic relationship with a man I loved very much. I worried that if I gave up on him, he would spiral. And he did. Then 3 days ago, he sent me a text from hospital, telling me he loves me and that he thinks he might die. His heart nearly stopped. He’s deathly thin, he’s aged so much. It is very difficult to remain detached when confronted with his mortality. I spoke to him to tell him that I don’t want any contact, whatever the situation while drugs are in his life and that I believed he could change if he committed to it and bid him goodbye. Again. And it broke my heart all over again.  The problem is, he hasn’t told anyone that he was in hospital. People don’t know the extent of his addiction. His mother is in another country and doesn’t know he’s an addict. I really feel like I should tell her, I think she deserves to know, partly to satisfy my own guilt but partly because I’m truly scared he will die and if he can still lie to people he’ll never face it. It’s not my life, but I have been a part of his and hers. I feel I have a moral duty. Has anyone been through something similar and can advise me? 

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Dear LostAtSea, The impact of a partners addiction (whether it is Sex addiction or Coke) is a rollercoaster ride of emotions and its important that you continue to keep yourself safe. His addiction is not something that you can control and often partners will be blamed as a way for the addict to justify their actions.  I feel your emotions in what you have written but I can't see what you have done to enable his continued addiction and certainly you should not feel guilty. 

The hospital should have his relatives next of kin details and it's not your responsibility to tell anyone.  The only thing I might consider doing if you are in contact with his family / mum is check if they know your ex partner is in hospital and pass on the hospital contact details. Certainly I would not pass on any information regarding his addiction, illness, etc. as the hospital will do all that. 

I do hope that is of help. Continue to look after yourself.

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