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Natalieb

What is wrong with me?

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Good morning, 

so I posted on here quite a few months back now about how My partner whom I knew was a sex addict was supposedly ‘going cold turkey’ on his own and how I naively believed this was possible. Until back in April I found a second phone hidden in his car. I never confronted him then and still haven’t now too afraid of the pain and upset it’s going to cause everyone. Instead I’m now 6 months in knowing every day what he does but pretending to him I know nothing. Over the months I’ve found his profile on the sex site he uses and managed to log into it and from there got the phone number he is using too. I am now able to watch him  all day every day online msging literally   100’s of men and women.  He spends all day doing this along with meeting up with them too. I think there is at least 3/4 meets a week with various men or women. This is obviously not only an unhealthy habit for him but now for me also, as no matter how much a little bit more of me dies each day I continue to be obsessed with watching what he’s doing but yet I say NOTHING!!!! Why? What is wrong with me that I’m just too scared to rock the boat? Too scared of him going? I don’t know why I’m so scared of loosing  someone who finds it so east to live such a double life and lie to me and the children day after day. Some days I scream at myself to do something, to stop this because it’s killing me! But I don’t again I say nothing I carry on. It’s effecting my whole life, I don’t want to see friends because it makes it difficult for me to keep watching what he’s doing, I can’t face work as I work some weekends so it gives him the perfect opportunity for an extra day to lie and cheat, I am now signed off for 2 weeks with stress but I’ve told him I’m taking holiday and my hair is falling out.  All of this though is kept inside because to the outside world everyone thinks I’m my happy normal self, it’s exhausting. 
I just want to know why am I like this? Why can I not think enough of myself that I may be worth more than this? 
 Also if anyone on here has actually managed to read to the end cause I have rather gone on haha good perhaps give me an understanding of how it’s so easy to step out of the door and straight away flip personalities cheat and lie 5 days a week but walk through the door at night and during the weekend and kiss and love us like nothing has happened? It’s like he doesn’t even remember  what he’s done. He also messages some of the most unattractive women, but has zero interest in me. If he was to see me naked or in underwear he wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. As if my confidence isn’t low enough already it makes it worse that I must really be that bad :( 

ok right sorry venting over for now lol. 
for anyone who has taken the time to read this thank you x

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Dear Natalieb, thank you for being brave to share your story. I would suggest that you find a counsellor who is trained in sex addiction and talk this through. There will be reasons why you are unable to confront your partner at this point in time. Talking with a counsellor who understands sex addiction, will be able to also guide through with you your fear of rocking the boat and losing him. My hunch that this fear is rooted in your childhood / attachment figures but I could be wildly wrong! Take care Ginny 

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Thanks for replying Ginny. Yes maybe you’re right. My dad left when I was a baby although I’ve never felt that it’s bothered me but perhaps I’m wrong. I have emailed for info for counselling at The laurel Centre a couple of months ago but at the moment sadly can’t afford it. It’s certainly something I intend to do when I am able. 
many thanks 

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Hi Natalieb,

I have read your post and just want to say how very sorry I am that you are suffering this alone. I am not in the same position as you as I only found out about my husbands behaviour when he was arrested after being stung by vigilantes. I now know he had a hidden porn and sex addition which got out of control. I am also not an expert and am only slowly learning about this addiction. It is very complicated. 
Please please please don’t let your husband drag you and and your family into any dangerous positions. I wish I had known before his arrest so I could have at least tried to get him to get help before he destroyed everything. He lost all parts of his life and mine too in the process. 
You need to take care of you and your children first and foremost and be and feel safe and loved.  Maybe show him my story, which is on the forum, to demonstrate to him the very real dangers of not dealing with the addiction. Share your fears about your relationship. Communicate with him. It’s then his choice what he does, and your choice to do whatever you need to do. One thing I have learnt is that we are not responsible for anyone, other than ourselves, and obviously our young children . 
 I have a therapist who is trained in this area,  (one good thing about covid is that the sessions are very much cheaper now that they are on zoom). Talking it through with someone who understands makes it easier For me to understand and Identify what I need to do whilst still supporting from afar. It is painful hearing him in distress but he has to get himself well and healthy. I need to do the same for me. If you can possibly find some way of affording it, it will really help you. Otherwise reading all the resources. 
Sending you love and strength. x

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Hi Tabs, 

thanks for taking the tine to read through what felt like a bit of a rant this morning. Today is a bad day for me :( I tend to go like that some days I can cope and others not so much. I think like u said in your reply it’s struggling alone because I can’t speak to friends about it. 
 I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gone through what must’ve been a shocking and devastating experience for u and your family. I shall take the time to read your post, because as awful as it sounds there’s some comfort in knowing you’re not the only one going through something that feels so shameful. 
 You’re very right with what you say, I do need to put myself and the children first. The children are of course my world which is why it amazes me I’m too afraid to face up to him and tell him I know. You’re right I’ve often thought about possible Sti’s he may be bringing home not to mention any trouble with the sort of people he is meeting with. 
I honestly believe counselling will be the way forward for me, hopefully in the next month once all my children’s bdays etc are out the way this will be an option for me. 
until then I so appreciate your reply.

take care of yourself and yours too x 

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Natalieb, I understand the horrible compulsion to know, and the fear of saying what you know.  A good therapist will help you get your thoughts and feelings together, for yourself, and for the sake of your children.  Some things are too hard to tackle by oneself, and that's where a good therapist is worth his/her weight in gold.  Take very good care of yourself; you will need your health and strength to get through the next part of your family's life.  x

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On 10/28/2020 at 9:24 AM, Natalieb said:

I have emailed for info for counselling at The laurel Centre a couple of months ago but at the moment sadly can’t afford it. It’s certainly something I intend to do when I am able. 

Dear Natalieb, the Laurel Centre do offer low cost counselling for clients.  The counsellors are fully qualified but they are completing the Diploma in Sex Addiction Counselling course, so they need clients to gain client hours in this type of counselling.  The counsellors are also trained to work with partners.  It might be worth enquiring about that?  Ginny

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Ann thank you for your reply. Nice to know that it can be understood from others why I’m here feeling stuck and unable to get out. I certainly agree counselling is the way forward here. I need it to find the strength to help me in confronting him with what I know and seeing where we go from there. sending best wishes to you and yours x

Ginny that’s a great help to know there is a cheaper alternative. Is there an email address please for me to enquire? Thank you :) 
 

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Hi NatalieB

I haven't been on the forum for a while and I'm just catching up. I haven't got much to add to @Tabs great advice, but just wanted you to know that there are others here rooting for you, whatever you decide. Like you, I was aware for a long while of my partners behaviour without speaking up or taking action. Hiding that kind of knowledge can be so bad for your physical and mental health, as you are finding out. I really hope you can get some counselling and work through some of the deeply troubling and conflicting thoughts. 

Much love to you. Stay strong x

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