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Freddiebear

Discussion about addiction - is it possible this is true?

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On 8/3/2020 at 3:31 PM, Firefly said:

I have been waiting for a response on this thread as well, ever hopeful that someone else would answer this difficult question. I also relate to everyone’s thoughts. “How could I have kept risking my relationship, losing friends and family, impacting my health, JUST FOR A FIX? 

Surely, I knew what impact it would have? SURELY knowing the hurt it causes, I would NOT have done it. EASY

Easy to realise in the cold light of day maybe.

Why did I still do it? Well each fix led me to more shame, remorse, self-loathing and feeling that everyone would be better off without me around.

I saw an advert in 2006 about the beasts craving for nicotine and the pictorial resonated with my dopamine craving. If you search for “Nicorette commercial by Genndy Tartakovsky YouTube” you can see it.

At the time I wished for a Nicorette substance or patch for sex and pornography addiction, to suppress the cravings going on inside my head.

Even though I had promised myself after the last relapse not to repeat the acting out behaviour….

Unfortunately, the cravings continued! The cycle continued. Worse the cravings required more and more risky behaviour, to gain the same fix.

Often, I did not even grasp or remember the incident. I did not know any way to get off the acting out cycle.

I ended up living a second life and compartmentalised the pain and shame. 

I did everything wrong in term of disclosure and getting help once my second life was discovered! I have a first edition of Paula’s book (Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction); which was invaluable in my road to recovery.

I have been lucky that my partner found the good times outweighed the bad and we are still together.

I still have a Laurel Centre counsellor and carry out a mix of one to one and partner sessions. 

The reason for being on the Forum is to try and support others, and hope that I can help others to not make the same mistakes in their recovery journey.

I am happy to answer questions if I can.

Firefly

Hi Firefly

Please can you advise me.

I’m having a pretty tough weekend with lockdown angst, bereavement and other family issues. It’s just over 6 months since I discovered quite by chance that my ‘perfect’ husband was a PA when I borrowed his  iphone to hook up to the Bluetooth speaker as mine was flat and saw his top hit quite by chance. He doesn’t know anything about private browsing and there it was. He’s told me that he’s never taken it further even though he surfed images for between 5 and 8 years, can’t or won’t explain why and assures me he will never do it again because he doesn’t want to lose me. I  retired 2 years ago and I’m the tech savvy one so turned on WiFi filter and hey presto no surfing so I’ve taken control of the addiction He doesn’t know he could use 4g on his iPhone and there’s no evidence of taking it further although I’ve not probed extensively  however when I found out he smashed the iPad he had used so he can’t prove he’s never acted out, met anyone or done anything other than surf images. He says he didn’t even masturbate. 

is it possible this is true? he said he’s so sorry and will never do this again and is so determined he doesn’t need help however I feel as though I’m the one affected most; the revelation governs what we do, what I talk about, what we watch - almost as though I’m the one being punished and yet he’s the perpetrator who is sorry but taking no action . He said he’ll go to counselling if I want him to because he doesn’t want to lose me and sees how hurt I am. Everything he stands to lose has always been where it is and he chose to surf, consequently  I’ve no idea what to believe. 
 

any advice is much appreciated 

 

xxx

 

Edited by Freddiebear
Misspelling

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Dear Freddiebear, I am so very sorry that you have had a tough weekend again. I re-read your other posts this morning and realise that you and your husband did take the online test, so I am very sorry to have asked you that question  again.

In my experience looking at images can be the same as looking at pictures in an art gallery.  Looking at a bit of porn does not mean you are a SA and with a score of 16 this does appear to be the case.

However spending lots of time, at the expense of other activities and keeping it secret is very unhelpful and now that it has been discovered will mean that your husband has to rebuild trust with you. 

I am sad that he does not appear to understand the pain he has caused. It seems from the threads as if things improved but then this last weekend came to a head again. It is possible that him smashing the iPad was to demonstrate he would not surf again, rather than hide his past. I have been known to get rid of equipment in an attempt to stop my habit.

Not sure I can be of much help.

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