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Reading the above treads I wanted to say that it's OK whatever you decide to do. There is no right or wrong answers in respect to "Should I stay or should I go" The following blog gives some very good points to consider.

The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Do I stay, or do I go? (thelaurelcentre.co.uk)

I unfortunately I was one of the 3% mentioned in the last post above; which translates into over 850,000 plus men who make use of prostitutes. The journey to recovery has not been easy but my partner has decided that there are far more positives in the relationship which she did not want to lose.  There are success stories.  Partner Testimony : part 1 (thelaurelcentre.co.uk)

Wishing everyone well at this time. Keep safe.

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Hello, I am new here!! A place I thought didn’t exist or couldn’t imagine I would ever visit .  My perfect soul mate, my admired and respected husband is a sex addict .  The repeated searching of prostitutes and  casual hooks up is relentless .  I have found room rental of hotel bills by the hour, and now the latest is his lovely photo which I took of him on a sugar daddy site .  I am broken and need some support. I would leave but I couldn’t survive financially at the moment and I would miss the part of him that I fell in love with 😢

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Dear Scarlett, thank you for sharing and sorry to hear of the pain that you are going through and that you find yourself on this forum.   It is incredibly difficult and I hope this forum can be a place to share your thoughts and feelings as well as get support from fellow partners.   I am not too sure when you found out but I would suggest looking at the partner section on the blog page which can give you advice on getting through the next few days and weeks.   Kind Regards, Ginny

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Hi Scarlett, I'm so, so sorry you have had this experience and like many of us have turned to this forum in desperation for support. The knowledge that you now have of your loved one can never be 'un known'- something that, for me, has been the very hardest thing to deal with as, like you, I have loved my husband for a very long time and can't imagine life without him. But the feeling that I can't live with the knowledge of what he has done can be very corrosive. He is now in recovery- if you're not sure what that means I urge you to investigate  the blog posts on this website and maybe download Paula Hall's excellent book for the partners of sex addicts.  This will give you  encouragement as well as practical advice for what will inevitably be a long journey for you.

If you can afford it, some counselling from the expert therapists at the Laurel Centre will be incredibly valuable for you. Your wellbeing, health and recovery must be your top priority. Whether your partner decides to embark on his own recovery is a separate issue. If money is tight there are some free online support groups too, such as S-Anon. 

For now, I'm sending love and a virtual hug, please know that you are not alone. I think all of us continue to be amazed at how far this addiction reaches into all parts of society. Please look after yourself and reach out again as often as you need to. 

x

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Hi Carol,

Thanks for the message.  Sorry for the delay in replying, but I find it too disturbing to come on here more than every few weeks. I can see that you have been through a lot of pain and trauma.

It is very difficult to be sure of the right thing to do.  At the beginning I was convinced I would never speak to him again.  After we separated he went into therapy and is still continuing with this.  I have to believe that his actions were a result of an illness that he is now being treated for.  If I didn't we would have no future together, and in fact you are right I would not want to build a life with him in any respect. 

Having said that I really believe he had never done anything like this in the first 30 years we were together, and would never do it again.  I do not believe that every person relapses, and I believe he has been through this and come out of the other side.  He knows absolutely there are no second chances.  If there was the slightest doubt in my mind that he would repeat these behaviours I would run away and never look back.  However, I have no reason to doubt he has really managed to control his demons.  (Apart from the fact that in lockdown he has been with me 24/7 anyway!).  I don't think even if he were tempted he would go backwards.  He knows what he nearly lost and he knows I am quite capable of being on my own.  I'm. not sure he is.  I am sure he will continue with his SA meetings and his therapy, probably for life.  I can see the difference in him.  He has been given a chance because I believe that he was ill, and that he has has taken positive action to ensure that he will remain well in the future.

I do not live with permanent anxiety and distrust.  I am sorry you felt that way.  Maybe I am different in that I do trust my husband to never relapse.  I also trust myself that if he did I would leave and that would be forever.  I couldn't live a life where I was constantly worrying.  I will accept that he is on a strong recovery path.  And I believe this to be true.  Therefore I will live my life without this hanging over me.  It can never be forgotten, and our relationship has obviously taken a battering, but I genuinely believe this will never happen again.

I wish you well in your future.  Take care of yourself.

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Hi Scarlett,

Welcome to the forum.  (Though sorry you've had to come here).  I can empathise with your shock.  Discovery is one of the worse things that can happen in your life, and speaking from experience, it will leave you reeling for a long time to come.  Please remember any emotions you are going through are normal.  Rage, anger, pain, uncontrollable crying, feelings of loss, lack of control, panic, etc. etc.  I think I went through every emotion possible and then started them all again.

You don't say if your husband has looked for help himself.  I hope so, but if not, or if he doesn't see himself as having a problem, then please remember there is nothing YOU can do about that.  It is his choice and his decision to seek help.  What you can do is look after yourself and your needs.  You are the important one at the moment.  The selfishness of the person in the grip of an addiction  knows no bounds.  Think about what you want and need.  Talk to people if at all possible,  This is one thing I can't do (for many reasons), but if you can, please confide in someone you trust.

In the meantime this forum is always full of good advice and plenty of willing ears and shoulders!  The one thing you will find is that although circumstances between us vary, we have all been enormously hurt and are all carrying our own wounds. No-one will judge you whatever your decisions are in the future, but hopefully you will gain strength and comfort from knowing you are not alone.

Take care of yourself x

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Hi Snowflake,

Your story resonates with me 

I've been married for 30 years too.  I'm 3 weeks in to discovering my husband has done porn on and off for the past 18 years, has visited the occasional sex worker and more recently has undertaken an affair (who he says he is deeply in love with)

I suspected nothing.  I feel such a fool and so desperately sad.  

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