I'm struggling

[Firefly]

Reading the above treads I wanted to say that it's OK whatever you decide to do. There is no right or wrong answers in respect to "Should I stay or should I go" The following blog gives some very good points to consider.

The partner’s journey through sex addiction : Do I stay, or do I go? (thelaurelcentre.co.uk)

I unfortunately I was one of the 3% mentioned in the last post above; which translates into over 850,000 plus men who make use of prostitutes. The journey to recovery has not been easy but my partner has decided that there are far more positives in the relationship which she did not want to lose.  There are success stories.  Partner Testimony : part 1 (thelaurelcentre.co.uk)

Wishing everyone well at this time. Keep safe.

[Scarlett]

Hello, I am new here!! A place I thought didn’t exist or couldn’t imagine I would ever visit .  My perfect soul mate, my admired and respected husband is a sex addict .  The repeated searching of prostitutes and  casual hooks up is relentless .  I have found room rental of hotel bills by the hour, and now the latest is his lovely photo which I took of him on a sugar daddy site .  I am broken and need some support. I would leave but I couldn’t survive financially at the moment and I would miss the part of him that I fell in love with 😢

[Ginny]

Dear Scarlett, thank you for sharing and sorry to hear of the pain that you are going through and that you find yourself on this forum.   It is incredibly difficult and I hope this forum can be a place to share your thoughts and feelings as well as get support from fellow partners.   I am not too sure when you found out but I would suggest looking at the partner section on the blog page which can give you advice on getting through the next few days and weeks.   Kind Regards, Ginny

[IamEnough]

Hi Scarlett, I'm so, so sorry you have had this experience and like many of us have turned to this forum in desperation for support. The knowledge that you now have of your loved one can never be 'un known'- something that, for me, has been the very hardest thing to deal with as, like you, I have loved my husband for a very long time and can't imagine life without him. But the feeling that I can't live with the knowledge of what he has done can be very corrosive. He is now in recovery- if you're not sure what that means I urge you to investigate  the blog posts on this website and maybe download Paula Hall's excellent book for the partners of sex addicts.  This will give you  encouragement as well as practical advice for what will inevitably be a long journey for you.

If you can afford it, some counselling from the expert therapists at the Laurel Centre will be incredibly valuable for you. Your wellbeing, health and recovery must be your top priority. Whether your partner decides to embark on his own recovery is a separate issue. If money is tight there are some free online support groups too, such as S-Anon. 

For now, I'm sending love and a virtual hug, please know that you are not alone. I think all of us continue to be amazed at how far this addiction reaches into all parts of society. Please look after yourself and reach out again as often as you need to. 

x

[Snowflake]

Hi Carol,

Thanks for the message.  Sorry for the delay in replying, but I find it too disturbing to come on here more than every few weeks. I can see that you have been through a lot of pain and trauma.

It is very difficult to be sure of the right thing to do.  At the beginning I was convinced I would never speak to him again.  After we separated he went into therapy and is still continuing with this.  I have to believe that his actions were a result of an illness that he is now being treated for.  If I didn't we would have no future together, and in fact you are right I would not want to build a life with him in any respect. 

Having said that I really believe he had never done anything like this in the first 30 years we were together, and would never do it again.  I do not believe that every person relapses, and I believe he has been through this and come out of the other side.  He knows absolutely there are no second chances.  If there was the slightest doubt in my mind that he would repeat these behaviours I would run away and never look back.  However, I have no reason to doubt he has really managed to control his demons.  (Apart from the fact that in lockdown he has been with me 24/7 anyway!).  I don't think even if he were tempted he would go backwards.  He knows what he nearly lost and he knows I am quite capable of being on my own.  I'm. not sure he is.  I am sure he will continue with his SA meetings and his therapy, probably for life.  I can see the difference in him.  He has been given a chance because I believe that he was ill, and that he has has taken positive action to ensure that he will remain well in the future.

I do not live with permanent anxiety and distrust.  I am sorry you felt that way.  Maybe I am different in that I do trust my husband to never relapse.  I also trust myself that if he did I would leave and that would be forever.  I couldn't live a life where I was constantly worrying.  I will accept that he is on a strong recovery path.  And I believe this to be true.  Therefore I will live my life without this hanging over me.  It can never be forgotten, and our relationship has obviously taken a battering, but I genuinely believe this will never happen again.

I wish you well in your future.  Take care of yourself.

[Snowflake]

Hi Scarlett,

Welcome to the forum.  (Though sorry you've had to come here).  I can empathise with your shock.  Discovery is one of the worse things that can happen in your life, and speaking from experience, it will leave you reeling for a long time to come.  Please remember any emotions you are going through are normal.  Rage, anger, pain, uncontrollable crying, feelings of loss, lack of control, panic, etc. etc.  I think I went through every emotion possible and then started them all again.

You don't say if your husband has looked for help himself.  I hope so, but if not, or if he doesn't see himself as having a problem, then please remember there is nothing YOU can do about that.  It is his choice and his decision to seek help.  What you can do is look after yourself and your needs.  You are the important one at the moment.  The selfishness of the person in the grip of an addiction  knows no bounds.  Think about what you want and need.  Talk to people if at all possible,  This is one thing I can't do (for many reasons), but if you can, please confide in someone you trust.

In the meantime this forum is always full of good advice and plenty of willing ears and shoulders!  The one thing you will find is that although circumstances between us vary, we have all been enormously hurt and are all carrying our own wounds. No-one will judge you whatever your decisions are in the future, but hopefully you will gain strength and comfort from knowing you are not alone.

Take care of yourself x

[Bluebell]

Hi Snowflake,

Your story resonates with me 

I've been married for 30 years too.  I'm 3 weeks in to discovering my husband has done porn on and off for the past 18 years, has visited the occasional sex worker and more recently has undertaken an affair (who he says he is deeply in love with)

I suspected nothing.  I feel such a fool and so desperately sad.  

[Snowflake]

Hi Bluebell,

So sorry to hear your pain.  The first few months will be really hard and there is no easy way through.  You are probably still in shock.

The problem is that we often don't suspect anything.  My husband would have been the last person ANYONE would think would do this.  I would have sworn that this was an issue we would never have had to face.  And yes, it had been going on for years.

The most important thing now is you.  Don't try to make any future plans at the moment.  You will be finding just getting through the days is hard enough.  Don't put any pressure on yourself.  One day, one hour, sometimes one breath at a time.  I get it.  I have never known pain like I felt at the beginning of this journey.  One of the hardest things is that for us this is all new.  For our husbands it has been part of their lives for a long time.  Your husband may not understand that you will be in shock as well as heartbroken.

I don't know if your husband has admitted he needs help, or started a programme?  This is something he has to decide for himself as wanting to seek help must come from him.  Mine is working through the 12 step programme.  We are working hard on our relationship, but at the beginning I honestly thought I would never even be able to bear looking at him again.

What I'm trying to say is that however you feel, that's ok.  There is no right or wrong way to think or feel.  It is totally unique to you.  What we all have in common here is hurt, but also to gain strength from knowing we're not alone.

Do whatever you need to do for you.  It is time to focus on yourself.  Your husband must work out what he will do, but that is not your problem.

Sending you hugs and strength.  Things will get easier, whatever the long term outcome, but I know it won't feel like it at the moment.

Take care of yourself.  You are no fool, just trusting, as most of us were. x

[Black Cloud]

Hi,

I’ve come across this post and wanted to ask how you know if your partner has a problem or whether they are just men that have changed and  do not care about their partners and how they would feel.  
 

I found out my now ex partner of 12 years had a sex worker to my house while I was away for a few days with my family.  He tells me nothing happened but paid her anyway.   (Really!!) I  was disgusted and mortified when I found out and I only found out by looking on his phone (I know I shouldn’t but I have never not trusted this man but something did not feel right during this time and my instincts were right).  He was the last person on earth that I thought could do this.  A lot has happened since then, he has been withdrawn, miserable, non-communication with me.   I forgave about this instant but I then found out from his phone that he has had pictures of women in their underwear being sent to him and also sleeping with another women while with me.  He would come back home and get into bed with me.    This is not normal behaviour but he blames me for not keeping him ‘happy’ or serving his needs enough! He does not admit to having a problem!  Ive looked online and think I am in a trauma bond to him but I am not sure as even after everything he has put me through I still feel love for him and would drop everything to spend time with him despite him talking to me like crap!  He has said he is broken and sorry but then some days will say no wonder I left you. Sorry for the rant I just needed to get this off my chest.  I have spoken to friends and family but not about the sex worker bit as they would be absolutely disgusted!  I feel like I am constantly covering for him and not telling people the truth to protect him but actually I have done nothing wrong. 

 

[Snowflake]

Hi Black Cloud,

So sorry you're going through this.  And I totally understand about the not being able to tell family or friends about it.  I haven't been on this forum for a long time, but your message came through to me and I'd like to help you feel less alone.   I can only speak from my own experience, but I hope some of the following is useful to you.

My husband met sex workers, but he also was adamant that 'he hadn't cheated'.  In counselling it transpired he'd 'just' had hand jobs, so he could pretend to himself 'nothing really happened'.  Is this possible in your case?  We were still having a sexual relationship, and I also found some weird phone messages.  He blamed me at first, threw absolute bile at me.   We had the withdrawal and non communication too.  Through counselling we have worked out that that was because he couldn't handle how he was feeling.  So to push the blame onto me, it made him feel less guilt and less shame.  But it was hell to go through.  Especially as at the time he was in complete denial that he had a problem, so everything he did therefore had to be my fault somehow.

We have had a couple of years of counselling since.  Both separately and together.  We separated for a year, during which time he joined Sex Addicts Anonymous and he worked through the 12 step programme.  He is still doing this, and will probably do so forever.  I find this a mixed blessing.  Good in that he has shown he genuinely has/had an addiction and has taken full responsibility for what we went through, and can discuss in confidence his issues and recovery.  Bad (and I can only say this here, not to him) in that I - probably wrongly - don't feel totally comfortable about him discussing us and doing his very personal shares with other sex addicts.

We're a few years into this now.  I can be truthful here and say things have changed.  For him, he says it's so much better.  Our whole relationship is open and there are no secrets, he feels like a weight has been lifted from him.  He is certainly more like the person he was a long time ago, and I don't believe he keeps anything from me.  BUT, if I'm honest, things will never be quite the same for me.  There is a black space inside me because of what he did.  I trust him 99%, and I don't think he'd ever hurt me again.  But then I didn't believe he'd ever do that in the first place, so that 1% will always be there.

We talk more, and there is more respect.  However, sex for me will never be the same again.  The first time we had sex after he came back all I could envisage were the bloody prostitutes.  That's behind me now, but the intimacy will never quite be what it was.  It's hard to explain, but we were very young when we got together, and had only ever been with each other.  It's very old fashioned now, but in my mind that was always something precious - and that's gone.

I think now we will continue as normally as possible.  He knows there will never be another chance, and I think the 12 step is really helping him.  If your husband is genuine, you'll know by how he tries to take responsibility himself for his problem. One of the hardest things is never having anyone to talk to.  They can talk freely and daily if they wish in their group.  I can't even mention it to family or friends as some would see it as gossip, and others wouldn't speak to him again.  I feel like I have to protect him from others.

I hope this has helped in some small way.  Do what is right for you, no-one else.

Take care, and good luck x

[Roberto]

@Black CloudSnowflake nails it. 

I don't want to say what's right for me is necessarily right for you, but the first thing to remember is that NONE of this is your fault. Your partner can gaslight you all he wants, but you can hold your head up and tell him none of this is on you. 

Me personally, I would not endure being spoken to like crap. You're worth more than that. 

Recovery, in my experience, can only work if everyone is blatantly honest. This requires time and space to have honest conversations. His willingness to engage with this might tell you a lot. 

[HHC]

LOST! 
 

Hi there,

I can’t believe I’m also finding myself on this forum. I have been married to my husband for 5 years together for 13 years this august 2 children and another one the way :,( We met at 18 years old and have been together since. my husband is a typical flirt and has given me reasons to not trust him in the past but has always managed to convince me he has never cheated…

I first discovered my husband using sex sites in lockdown and as many of you have shared I lost my shit and went mental. Anyway we got over that and we put it behind us. Fast forward a few years December 2022 (and I’m 7 weeks pregnant with baby 3) we were waiting to leave for the airport but husband had so errands to run to which text messages came through to my sons iPad of him asking sex workers to fit him in for a BJ! When we arrived home I verbally and physically attacked him I was utterly heartbroken. The holiday went ahead and by the end of living in a bubble for 2 weeks I was won over and agreed to move forward. However for the last 6 months I have had some really difficult days I’m obviously hormonal too and I honestly feel broken. My husband has done everything to reassure me he is “cured” and given reassurance when needed he went to the extent of changing his phone number for a fresh start etc as I said this was the final straw. He has had a confirmed diagnosis of ADHD and is now on medication for this. Unfortunately on Saturday evening when he was asleep I had a gut feeling to go through his phone. He had been in touch with a sex worker again! He said he hadn’t been taking his tablet and this was why he relapsed and he was ashamed and can’t believe he had done this AGAIN. I’m destroyed now I have 7 weeks left of my pregnancy (which he was so desperate for) a 5 year old daughter and a 21month old son who adore their daddy. He maintains that he has never gone through with ever meeting the workers but gets a “buzz” off getting in touch with them…for me I feel like it’s just as bad as the deceit and intentions are there. Do I believe him absolutely not. Do I leave him? I 100% feel vulnerable being pregnant and of course want the dream of staying together but how many more chances do I give? He has told me he needs help and to please stand by him, he doesn’t want to be this person, this has nothing to with our own sex life or his feelings towards me etc but at what point do I break the cycle and put my sanity and self worth first? 
 

Sorry for the long winded post but if anyone can give me some advice I would be so grateful. I am totally drained and lost in all of this. 

[Roberto]

Hello @HHC

Welcome the club! Sigh. 

YOu don't mention any signs that your husband thinks he has an addiction. Do you know what he thinks? Is he just a bad boy who was just doing it for kicks, as he said, or is he an addict i.e. unable to control his impulses to the point where they're getting in the way of everyday life?

IF he's an addict and honestly wants to turn his life around, for my money I'd be wanting a commitment to therapy and to Sex Addicts Anonymous. 

he's got to do the work. It's a long, hard slog. It's requires a whole lot of effort and he's got to commit if he's a true addict. 

I do feel for you, in your current state. Do you have some friends and family you can lean on? 

 

[HHC]

Hi Roberto, 

 

thanks for your reply. 
 

He fully admits he has an addictive personality one which I knew of from the beginning as he loved gambling but it didn’t ever have a negative impact on us. The gambling stopped and now this has come to surface. 
 

He admits he has an addiction to “calling sex workers” but is still adamant it’s nothing more so he isn’t sure where he would slot in for support. I still don’t know if he’s being totally honest. He tells me all the right things and is desperate to keep our marriage going but it’s all very hard to believe as I heard it all less than 6 months ago. Yet he acts so remorseful. 
 

I met with him this evening and he has started the motions of booking a therapist to speak to to combat this. I have asked him to leave the family home for the time being as I need space and quite frankly can’t bare the thought of him near me. 
 

I have had to confide in my mother in law, which my husband knows about as I feel that’s the only person who will also give him support through this too. Like everyone I feel totally embarrassed and still feel the need to protect him as he is not all bad and has a wonderful side to him. 
 

I most definitely need support to get through this. I tried to do it alone last time but I know I won’t be able to this time. 

[Roberto]

Having an addictive personality isn't necessarily the same as admitting a sex addiction. 

I'm glad you're giving yourself space if you feel you need it. Also glad you've got the mother in law to talk to. 

But I think he needs to do more than go through the motions. He needs to commit to weekly therapy - possibly for several years - and he should really commit to Sex Addicts Anonymous. I've been so grateful to SAA and my husband's amazing sponsor. I don't really think we'd have got through this without them. I'd really encourage you to send him that way. 

[Chandon]

@HHCI'm so sad to hear your story and for it to happen during pregnancy is just devastating. Your husband will not even be capable of telling the truth to himself. In the first few weeks and months after discovery they go through hell of actually recalling their sexual history and so much of it will have been minimised to allow the addiction to carry on. 

It's perfectly possible that the pattern did stop before physical contact. A lot of men report that the preparation and initial contact can be very intense and for some actually making physical contact can be a disappointment as they know it will soon be over and the devastating shame cycle begins again with them promising themselves it will never happen again. 

Please reach out to us here. DM me if you need anything. I'm devastated for you and it's heartbreaking to hear that you are about to have your baby in this situation. 

As Roberto says SAA is the best place to have your husband go. They are amazing along with the laurel centre. SAA is free and they know exactly how to support people in early discovery. Unfortunately the support for us partners is so much less. I've found partners that support me and we are recovering together. Please reach out if I can help you with anything. I have 3 children also and I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. Take care. X