I'm struggling

[Snowflake]

Hi.  I've just signed up to this site because I don't know what else to do.

My husband and I have been together since our late teens, married for thirty years.  We have never had other partners.  We have three children, two in their early twenties and one who is just 13.

Last year I found out my husband was/is a sex addict.  Things hadn't been right for a couple of years and I had been to talk to a counsellor about the fact I couldn't seem to get through to him anymore, and just didn't know what to do.  He refused to come with me and said our problems were all in my head.  He was distant, moody, argumentative and behaving very strangely.  He's always worked away and I've always trusted him completely.  I told my counsellor I knew something was going on, but my husband denied it.  We had months of him 'gaslighting' me.  He told me he would never cheat, loved me and the kids, was just stressed about work etc.  But he changed completely from the person I knew.  I began to think I was going mad, but I've known him since we were children and I just knew he was cheating.  I asked him a few times when he got home at the weekends, but it just led to arguments.

On our son's 21st Birthday party evening, when the last guests had left and my husband wasn't expecting any confrontation, I quietly asked him what we were going to do about his cheating.  He looked horrified, then burst into tears.  In brief he has been using porn daily, a lot, for over two years.  In the last six to nine months before he admitted anything to me he had been using prostitutes.  At the time he said this wasn't cheating as it was only for hand jobs.  We separated for ten months.  We told the older children he'd had a one night stand, and the youngest that we just needed a break whilst Daddy got over some work problems.  We have now jointly been seeing my counsellor (and he has realised that hand jobs are cheating).  He has also seen his own addiction counsellor and joined a 12 step programme.

He moved back in at the beginning of lockdown, party because he was desperate to come back and as he was making good progress on the 12 step I said it was ok, and partly because our - then - 12 year old didn't understand why he couldn't come back and was already distressed about the lockdown and all that involved and was desperate for us to be 'normal' again.

Six months later and I am really struggling.  My husband has done really well with his therapy, is far along the 12 step path, and has regular meetings (now just by phone) twice a week to keep him well.  He has explained it is an illness, that he is getting better and will never go back to those behaviours again.  I believe him.  He was suicidal when he realised he was addicted.  We sat down months ago and I asked everything I felt I needed to know and he was very honest.  But we both agreed that once we'd covered everything I wanted we'd not bring it up again as it's upsetting for us both.

The problem is now.  Things just aren't the same as before.  Although I trust him again, I can't get over the months and months of lying.  It was so easy to him.  Even when he was making me feel like I was insane.  Also the sourcing and visiting prostitutes still makes me feel physically sick.  The images in my head won't go away.  I cannot accept this is the same man I married and have known for over 40 years.  I can't talk to anyone other than our counsellor and that is difficult as everything has to be done via Zoom or phone now.  She is focussing on our future, both she and my husband think that is what we need to do, but I am still hurting.  Is this normal?  As my husband is making such good progress I don't want to 'spoil' that.  He has managed to deal with his demons and put his problems in the past.  He says he feels lighter and happier than he has done in years.  I don't.  I feel like I'm trying to play catch up, but still drowning. I can't tell my family, they would be too shocked.  My parents are in their eighties.  I can't tell any friends.  No-one would understand the extremes of emotions I'm feeling, and to be honest, I don't think even my closest friend would be able to resist telling other people.  I can't risk the kids finding out.  I feel stuck, lonely, unhappy and I'm sorry for rambling, but I just don't know who else to turn to.

Thanks if you've read this.  Sorry it's so long.

[Rose]

Hi Snowflake, I just wanted to reach out and say I heard you. This is an awful path to be walking and it’s made so much harder by the fact that we have to walk it alone. I understand how lonely you must feel. 
im probably not the best for advice as It’s only been just over 4 weeks since the day I found out. 
I can understand why you are not ready to focus on your future as I think just getting through each day is hard enough. I know you have known for longer than me but from some of the other posts I see people who have known for much longer still have no idea where the future lies. 
you ask if it’s normal to still be hurting and I say yes absolutely you have been betrayed in the most awful way by a man who you have been with for thirty years. I think it’s great that you trust him again and I hope I can find this with my partner too at some point as without that we have no future. 
I wish I could say more. I really do, I get anxious making these posts as feel I’m not much use. I just wanted to reach back and say your not alone, this forum is a safe space for support. Just be kind for yourself and take a day at a time. 

[Snowflake]

Thank you so much Rose for taking the time to reply.  It actually made me cry to have someone just do that.  It is so hard having no-one in real life to talk to.

I hope you get some strength from being here too.  Four weeks is so early.  At that stage it's just so raw.  That bit will get better.  Be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions. At your stage I alternated between rage and devastation, and total disbelief.  I felt I was almost outside myself watching a car crash unfold.  You will get through this, and you will com out the other side, but there's no quick fix.  Be patient and look after yourself.  Put yourself first for the time being.

Thank you again.  You will never know how much I needed to hear someone say this is normal.

[Blindsided24]

Hi! 

I'm sorry you're going through this, you're doing great, even if it doesn't feel like it. 

I'm nearly 3 months in, and was feeling a bit directionless. My husband isn't doing a lot to convince me he's changed sadly but I'm also becoming really paranoid and triggered by things. 

So on my recent therapy session we decided to go down the route of an accountability contract. I've not spoken to my husband about it yet but I feel really good about taking this option. If it works, it may give me hope! If it doesn't then I know where I stand and I know that I tried.

Do you have the partner book? Definitely get it if you don't. And keep going back to it, as your feelings change over time, different elements become relevant. 

Take care, 

X 

[Rose]

Snowflake, I’m glad my message was of some comfort. Thank you for your words too.   Sometimes I think just knowing someone heard you is enough. 

Blindsided24 good luck with the accountability contract, and I agree with your recommendation to the book as it is certainly helping me. 
 

[Snowflake]

Hi Blindsided.

Thank you for replying.  I'm sorry you're going through this too.  I'm even more sorry your husband is not working hard to help you, as he should be.

I do have the book.  My husband sent it to me when we were separated.  At first I refused to read it, I thought it would be all about why I should take him back, and all about what he must be going through and I should support him.  But after a couple of months I did read it, and it made sense.  You are right, I should probably go back to it now as things have changed, especially as I feel a bit stuck.

Good luck with the accountability contract.  I hope it works, but either way you will know you did your best.  Stay strong.  You are worth so much more. x

[Snowflake]

Rose,

Thank you again.  Yes, knowing someone has heard me has made such a difference.  I still have days of bursting into tears with no warning, even this far on.  Feeling that this is okay meant a lot.  Everyone here seems to be back to normal family life, and I have this weight I'm always carrying round which I can't seem to shake off.  Although I trust my husband, things will never be the same.  He says they are better now, but that's because he has no more secrets and is moving forward.  I, on the other hand feel he has just shifted his weight on to me.  I know things I can never unknow, and I don't want to!  I'm still working on that.

I hope your trauma passes more smoothly.  It is a trauma, and it won't get better overnight, but I have just started looking at other peoples stories, and you are right, there is a lot of good advice and genuine caring on this forum so I hope you get comfort on your own journey.  Take care x

[IamEnough]

Dear @Snowflake- oh I’m so sorry- I can hear your pain and sadness. Of course we wonder if that will ever go away and as women it’s so natural for us to carry their recovery for them like a fragile egg. I’ve also been married for 30 years (child bride, obvs 😆) and question everything about our relationship. I’m triggered by holiday snaps, memories of the houses we’ve lived in, everything. The sadness is pervasive and all encompassing. I think one of the hardest things I’ve had to realise  is that this is going to be a lifelong journey and our own recovery is equally as serious as our partners’. It’s never going to go away and the feelings of anger and sadness will wax and wane in intensity, there’s no graph, no rule book. All perfectly normal. Things won’t ever be the same- I suppose the challenge is to carve a new and different life from what we had expected, but one with equal value? How could you support your own recovery more? 
sending much love 

x

[IamEnough]

On 9/25/2020 at 6:54 PM, Rose said:

On 9/25/2020 at 6:54 PM, Rose said:

do, I get anxious making these posts as feel I’m not much use

Rose, please don’t feel that. It’s so lovely to hear your voice here. X

[Firefly]

20 hours ago, Snowflake said:

 Everyone here seems to be back to normal family life,

Hi Snowflake, Welcome to the Forum and sorry to read your pain. Everyone is at different stages of their journeys and also many people who read the forum are at exactly the same stage as you. I am however so glad that  you have been able to share your feelings here.  I think that normal family life is a bit like Covid 19 and our new normal for today. What is important is you.

Take Care

Firefly

[Snowflake]

Firefly, thank you.  I am only just starting to read others stories as I find the pain others are suffering to be difficult.  I hate the thought that we are all hurting so much.  Especially when all we are doing are trying to keep home and families together.  I hope you are doing okay x

[Snowflake]

IamEnough.  Thank you.  I will look at your other posts when my youngest is in bed.  (The posts often make me cry so now is not a good time!).

I understand exactly what you mean about triggering.  My husband worked away for all our married lives.  Now if he suggests we go together I wonder if I'm walking past one of the prostitues.  The city is spoilt for me.  It may sound ridiculous but I'm constantly on alert.  What if he recognises someone?  He says it wasn't often and the is so traumatised bu what he's done that he wouldn't recognise anyone anyway.  But also on the full disclosure he told me he was using porn for hours every day in his room.  How can someone even manage that?  Now if we stay somewhere I wonder what's gone on in the rooms.  What he watched that was so overpowering there were nights when he couldn't ring or speak to me at all except to say he was in meetings and would be too tired for saying goodnight.  I was at home with three kids and shattered, but his 'work' meant no calls.  I can't watch TV if a mention of a prostitute is on a film.  I feel uneasy going into his study at home.  He'd always said nobody could disturb him as his meetings were critical, so much so he blocked the door when he worked at home.  Again, I know now this was because it was just days spent watching porn.  The constant lying has worn me down so much.

He has changed, and is working hard on the programme but things don't trigger him like they do me.I can't go to a local shopping centre any more because we only used to go occasionally as a treat with the kids and I found out about the prostitutes the day after our last trip there.  I will always be reminded of those feelings now.  He was buying me gifts for no reason, and I found out later it was due to guilt.  So sorry I'm rambling again - feel free to give me a virtual shake!  I'm not usually like this.  Just so confused.  I know he was ill - that is constantly drilled into me by both him and the counsellor, but he KNEW when he crossed that line to visiting prostitutes what it would do to us.  I don't understand.  He made a decision.  There were so many times he could have stopped on that path, but when it came to it I/we just didn't mean enough.

You're right.  Things won't ever be the same and to move forward I have to plan a different journey.  I'm just not sure how.  Baby steps.

Take care of yourself x

[Ann Hedonia]

@Snowflake, it sounds as if you and I are at similar points in our partner's recovery and our response to it.  All the weirdness and things that just didn't make sense came bursting into painful undeniable focus on 1st June.  Anyway, several rocky months on, he is completely and genuinely submerged in his recovery, with 12 step groups twice a week, and daily phone calls and written questions that he is presented each day.  All of this is great, and I cannot fault him for sincerity, however, as I keep reminding him, there are two of us in recovery.  I find it very difficult to watch any tv programmes with sex scenes in them when we are together.  I'm currently watching Harlots on i-player, and I turn it off when he walks in.  He assures me that I don't have to do this, as it doesn't upset him.  This makes me so fu***ng livid, because it's not his feelings that I am sparing by turning it off! I've told him this, and he still doesn't get it!  At first, I kept my distress from him as much as I could, because he was too fragile to bear his own shame and guilt, and my hurt and anger.  Now, I've started to let him know what I feel and think; if we are to move forward in the way that he says he wants, then he needs to know who he is moving forward with.  I may be a supportive partner, but I am so much more three-dimensional than that.  I won't bob along like a dinghy in the wake of his recovery.  He assumes  that we will live happily ever after now that he has seen the light.  He needs to see me too, or he will be continuing his journey on his own.  

I don't know if any of this bears any relation to what you are feeling, but I wanted to share with you my experience of not being cowed into being the "good wife" and being frightened of derailing his recovery with the imposition of my own feelings.  OUR FEELINGS MATTER TOO!!!!! If our partners can't handle the fallout of their behaviour, then they aren't really doing the real work.  X

[IamEnough]

5 hours ago, Ann Hedonia said:

If our partners can't handle the fallout of their behaviour, then they aren't really doing the real work.  X

Goodness that’s so well said 👏🏼 

[Snowflake]

Hi Ann,

Thank you for posting. Yes, I think your response is very similar to mine.  I have repeatedly said that I am so pleased for him that he has found a way to recovery and is working very hard on it.  But that is HIS recovery, not mine.  I watch almost no TV these days as I found many things triggering, but you are right, the switching off wasn't for his benefit or to not risk him relapsing or getting upset, but because I couldn't handle it for some reason.  I think our partners sometimes think that this whole journey is about them and forget we have a massive journey we need to undertake too.  I too tried to hide my distress (after the initial massive meltdown!), but have come to the conclusion this is not just unhealthy for me, but for both of us as I build up resentments by bottling things up, and obviously if I don't speak about them ,my husband will never know why I'm upset.  I try to find a balance, but you're right, it's important for our partners to understand they're not the only ones who need healing, we're all on a road to try and recover.

Thank you, and good luck on your journey x

[Freddiebear]

Hi, I too feel the same. My ‘perfect’ husband has spent years watching porn. I’ve no idea how many but I think between 5 and 8. I thought we had it perfect and three weeks into lockdown the bombshell happened. He even watched it In bed when I was asleep. He swears nothing else, no acting out and I believe him but I’m devastated and have told no one other than this group. In the ensuing weeks my daughter in law decided she no longer wanted to be married or look after her children consequently my son is getting divorced and juggling work and childcare, my stepson declared he had fought with his wife because he admitted he no longer finds her attractive, we had a car crash, my friend and his wife separated and then my mum died 2 weeks ago.  We are now back in lockdown, the weather is miserable and I’m dreading winter. My husband is sorry and swears it won’t happen again and it can’t as I control WiFi filters etc but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life policing our relationship.  I’m the one worrying about Boredom in the winter, he seems to think every time I’m sad it’s about him and I’ve had so much to deal with I’m at breaking point. Finding a balance to discuss it is nigh on impossible but we are reaching 6 months since the discovery and it’s getting better. Paulas book is great but I read it in sound bites as it hammers home the enormity of the betrayal I feel and I can’t face it yet. He’s lovely in every other way, kind, funny and I adore him but I’ve no idea how to get over this and it’s changed my life completely from what I talk to him about to what we watch on tv. I’ve lost my best friend and it’s so sad. This forum is my confidant and my hope xx

[Snowflake]

Hi Freddiebear.

I am so sorry to read your story, and how much you are hurting.  You have gone through so much this year, I'm not surprised you are feeling so sad.  Sorry about your Mum, and the breakups in your family.

It may not seem like it, but six months is still early days.  At six months I couldn't even face being in the same house as my husband, and we were separated for nearly a year.  But gradually things will improve.  You may not be able to discuss things directly with your husband, but perhaps neither of you are in the right space for that.  Lockdown has brought its own problems,  but for you it will have also exacerbated the ones you have.

You don't say if your husband sees his porn watching as a problem, or even addiction.  If he does there are plenty of places he can look for help, even in lockdown.  My husband does both Zoom and phone calls a few times a week.  Wherever you are there are local, confidential sex addiction and/or 12 step groups who would welcome him.  But this is only if he feels he has a problem and wants to do something about it.  This must be his decision.  I do understand how difficult this is for you.  I also don't know exactly how many years my husband was watching porn, before he then acted out, but I do know it was a long time, and yes, sometimes in bed next to me while I was asleep.  It is hard to accept, but this is not your fault or problem.  Please don't think you could have done anything differently.  For my husband this was a way of coping with past traumas I knew nothing about which came to the surface when other things in this life began to go wrong (his work), and everything snowballed from there. Could your husband be similar?

One of the hardest things is not having anyone to talk to.  I am very close to a couple of my friends, but would never be able to speak to them about it.  My family would be too shocked also.  This forum is a great place to turn to.  You can vent, say anything you need to, ask any questions you need answering, and no-one will judge or think any less of you for it.  In fact the support and understanding I've seen has been amazing and has really helped me so much.  I'm sure you will find the same.

As to the miserable year and weather, I know, and I sympathise, but everyone is in the same boat with this.  You are just feeling it so much more because you are so unhappy,  Could you start making some plans for next year so you have something to look forward to?  This is what I have done.  It can be as big as a holiday, or as simple as a night out at a concert, theatre show, musical, anything you fancy doing.  And do it for you.

If there's anything you'd like to ask me, please do.  I know it has helped me enormously having some of my questions answered.  Some of the nagging doubts are no longer quite so nagging (thanks  a lot to Firefly for his frankness).  Be kind to yourself.  Take care xx

 

[Freddiebear]

Thank you, we’ve had a rubbish day. My husband fully admits his addiction and is terrified of losing me so determined it won’t happen again. As I said he’s hopeless with technology and I control the WiFi filter so is not possible. We are retired and spend 24/7 together both out of choice and due to lockdown so it’s all positive however, my memory can’t be erased and the hurt remains xx

[Ail]

I recently came to know that my husband is having affair with a woman he hired for his project. I found his action little weird last year too and confronted him but he said there’s no such thing and me being stupid I accepted it. I have two kids under 12. I’m working woman. Few days ago I also found that he made visit to elite escorts and paid good amount. Which made me realize he is mentally sick. Come back to affair thing , he admits everything and seek forgiveness in the name of kids and told me if you want me to leave the house I will just forgive me. My kids are really attached with him . I belong to a culture where we don’t discuss such things to family . I really don’t know what to do. I want him to punish him and make him work like our salve without any parole . I am so upset. I feel I would never regain my previous date of mind so what’s the point of telling him to leave and let kids suffer. In result I will be free and he will continue to work and take care of us. This may sound stupid to you guys but I can’t think of anything. I don’t understand why single ladies get into affair with married man I guess I know the answer . Money

[IamEnough]

Ail it doesn’t sound stupid at all, we all of us here understand what you’re going through and each of our reactions will be slightly different. And you will probably find as time goes on that your reactions will swing from one thing to another- anger, sadness, frustration, denial- it’s all in the mix. There’s no right way to respond. What I’ve learnt from my own experience is that you have to put your own needs first. A good starting point is to download Paula Hall’s book on sex addiction from the partner’s perspective, which will help you understand your own feelings and to start to think about what happens next, as well as understanding the cycle of addiction and why your husband has acted this way. Remember, none of this is your fault, but you are at the beginning of a long period of recovery from this trauma and betrayal. We will support you as much as we can. Keep asking questions here and venting your feelings, as much as you need.  Sending love xx

[Snowflake]

Hi Ail.  Sorry to hear what you are going through.  It can be very hard to accept what is happening sometimes.  Especially when you have no control over it, but are suffering from the actions of someone else.

I don't think it is just your culture that doesn't talk about these things.  I could certainly never discuss this with my friends and family, so please don't feel you are on your own in that respect.  That is why this forum is so good.  You can vent, cry, say anything you want or need to without ever being judged.  And, more importantly you are connecting with people who genuinely understand the hurt you're going through and the journey you're on.

Things will move on, but IamEnough is right, it's you that you need to focus on.  If your husband wants help there are groups available to him, but he has to want that himself.  You have to look after you.  I also endorse Paula Hall's book on the partners perspective.  It can be tough going in parts, but it will help you focus on what you need.  Good luck x

[Tired]

Hi Snowflake

So much of what you say sounds like how I feel.  I am  19 months since discovery and wonder if I will ever get over all this.  I have had lots of good times since but it all never really leaves me. 

[Firefly]

Hi Tired. Thank you for your post and so very sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I am glad that there have been some good times to hold onto but it does not take away the pain of the rollercoaster 🎢 journey you are on.

Take good care.

Firefly

[Snowflake]

Hi Tired,

Welcome to the forum.

I have come to the realisation that things will always be a little different now.  I think perhaps - like me - you are putting too much pressure on yourself for things to go back to 'normal'.  I no longer think this is the best way to approach life.  There will never be that same normal for us.  My husband and I are working hard, for him things are better as he has a weight lifted from his shoulders.  After months of trying to get back to our 'normality' I have slowly realised that not only is that not going to happen for me, but that it wouldn't be the best thing for me if it did.

I think we need to move forward.  However is best for us as individuals.  Put aside for a moment anything your husband is doing for recovery, and think about what you want.  (I do recommend the Paula Hall book on the partners perspective to help with this).

Things will never be exactly the same for you.  There has been so much damage done.  But this doesn't mean you can't have a good and fulfilling life.  Together, if that is what you want.  I've stopped waiting for this to ' leave me'.  I know how you feel,  but I think the better way is focussing on things that are positive for you.  Gradually you will build up resilience and the balance of good and bad days will shift so there will be more good.  This will never go away completely, but it can be put in a place where you can get on with your life.  You will find the more you do for your own self, to comfort yourself, be productive, or just focus on the things you want, the more your life will become more manageable, and ultimately enjoyable again.

This is not to say try and forget about it, you can't, and shouldn't be expected too.  Equally, if there is something you still need an answer to, then ask.  The least you deserve is honesty about anything you wish to know.  You can only put it behind you when there is nothing left festering away.  I found this to be happening to unanswered questions.  Naturally my husband was keen for us to never mention certain things again - and most of the time we don't - but if there is something specific bothering you, get it out in the open, discuss it properly, then put it away.  It may be hurtful at the time, but it will save a lot of pain in the long run.

Things can be better.  Things will be different.  Just put yourself first at the moment.  Take care x

[carol]

On 9/24/2020 at 6:59 PM, Snowflake said:

Hi.  I've just signed up to this site because I don't know what else to do.

My husband and I have been together since our late teens, married for thirty years.  We have never had other partners.  We have three children, two in their early twenties and one who is just 13.

Last year I found out my husband was/is a sex addict.  Things hadn't been right for a couple of years and I had been to talk to a counsellor about the fact I couldn't seem to get through to him anymore, and just didn't know what to do.  He refused to come with me and said our problems were all in my head.  He was distant, moody, argumentative and behaving very strangely.  He's always worked away and I've always trusted him completely.  I told my counsellor I knew something was going on, but my husband denied it.  We had months of him 'gaslighting' me.  He told me he would never cheat, loved me and the kids, was just stressed about work etc.  But he changed completely from the person I knew.  I began to think I was going mad, but I've known him since we were children and I just knew he was cheating.  I asked him a few times when he got home at the weekends, but it just led to arguments.

On our son's 21st Birthday party evening, when the last guests had left and my husband wasn't expecting any confrontation, I quietly asked him what we were going to do about his cheating.  He looked horrified, then burst into tears.  In brief he has been using porn daily, a lot, for over two years.  In the last six to nine months before he admitted anything to me he had been using prostitutes.  At the time he said this wasn't cheating as it was only for hand jobs.  We separated for ten months.  We told the older children he'd had a one night stand, and the youngest that we just needed a break whilst Daddy got over some work problems.  We have now jointly been seeing my counsellor (and he has realised that hand jobs are cheating).  He has also seen his own addiction counsellor and joined a 12 step programme.

He moved back in at the beginning of lockdown, party because he was desperate to come back and as he was making good progress on the 12 step I said it was ok, and partly because our - then - 12 year old didn't understand why he couldn't come back and was already distressed about the lockdown and all that involved and was desperate for us to be 'normal' again.

Six months later and I am really struggling.  My husband has done really well with his therapy, is far along the 12 step path, and has regular meetings (now just by phone) twice a week to keep him well.  He has explained it is an illness, that he is getting better and will never go back to those behaviours again.  I believe him.  He was suicidal when he realised he was addicted.  We sat down months ago and I asked everything I felt I needed to know and he was very honest.  But we both agreed that once we'd covered everything I wanted we'd not bring it up again as it's upsetting for us both.

The problem is now.  Things just aren't the same as before.  Although I trust him again, I can't get over the months and months of lying.  It was so easy to him.  Even when he was making me feel like I was insane.  Also the sourcing and visiting prostitutes still makes me feel physically sick.  The images in my head won't go away.  I cannot accept this is the same man I married and have known for over 40 years.  I can't talk to anyone other than our counsellor and that is difficult as everything has to be done via Zoom or phone now.  She is focussing on our future, both she and my husband think that is what we need to do, but I am still hurting.  Is this normal?  As my husband is making such good progress I don't want to 'spoil' that.  He has managed to deal with his demons and put his problems in the past.  He says he feels lighter and happier than he has done in years.  I don't.  I feel like I'm trying to play catch up, but still drowning. I can't tell my family, they would be too shocked.  My parents are in their eighties.  I can't tell any friends.  No-one would understand the extremes of emotions I'm feeling, and to be honest, I don't think even my closest friend would be able to resist telling other people.  I can't risk the kids finding out.  I feel stuck, lonely, unhappy and I'm sorry for rambling, but I just don't know who else to turn to.

Thanks if you've read this.  Sorry it's so long.

Snowflake, I feel what you feel. My husband prefers to say  its the other person" in him who does this bad stuff. It isn't , its he same person but with fundamentally different moral values than you. For me the pain is accepting the person I married, loved and trusted is actually something I don't like. If you met him today on a first date and you knew his sexual preferences I doubt you would have built a life round him - that sort of person just isn't for you ? Divorcing the man I love/adore and thought I was happy with is the most painful thing. But I did tell my children and close friends and they have been wonderfully supportive. Not judgemental , kind and caring. Talk to me , I get it . it hurts like hell. My therapist describes the situation to me like this... he likes to drink poison, he knows its bad for him and bad for those who love him but he really really likes it and will always like it. You don't have to drink it with him or stand by and watch. research shows once a person has crossed the line into compulsive porn use and sex workers they never stay away from it. They relapse often and lie at the drop of a hat. If you believe you can live like that and the whole package is worth a lifetime of anxiety and distrust , that's an individual choice. For me I am optimistic I can make a life where this isn't something I live with. Only 1-3% of UK makes use prostitutes ... that means >97% don't , and 97% of women don't have this shit to deal with - I am joining there ranks .