Sunflower365 Posted September 23, 2020 Report Share Posted September 23, 2020 Hi All, Wow this forum is amazing. I am coming here after recently finding out my partner of 4.5 years has a porn addiction. I found 2x messages on his phone 10 days ago & confronted him. He was actually extremely horrible to me, said it was just 2 messages & he hadn't been happy. I asked him to collect his things and leave. He did that & the past week has been filled with denial / telling friends we weren't happy, that he'd wanted to break up before etc things hadn't been right. Move forward one week & we had an emotional break through - he basically had a break down, admitted / realised he has a problem, booked some time off work & got a therapist. I am separated from him & not in contact but we have an extensive group of mutual friends so I know what's going on. After hearing just how bad he was doing I went to his house & told him I was pleased he admitted there was an issue & gave him a hug. To say he was inconsolable was an understatement. He couldn't believe I was there, kept continuously saying sorry, that it wasn't me/us - i told him I knew that - and kept asking to talk. I wasn't ready & said that, he said when to which I replied 'when you've had some therapy, we will talk' it was extremely emotional & he chased after me afterwards to tell me he loved me. I should perhaps say we had a good relationship, I was just buying a house & we had been planning to get a dog (days before this came out) so it's all a bit weird timing & I don't believe it was our relationship. Since then, I have been doing my own research & believe I could try to support him. I know from our conversation just a few days ago he is sorry & loves me, but I haven't heard if he wants to try and make it work, if he wants my support etc. Actually, he did say more than anything he wished he had my support & i was his best friend, but I made it clear I am not in a position right now, I need 'me' time as it is just such a shock. He has been using interactive webcams for 10 years (before meeting me) but during our relationship messaged numerous hookers for meet ups. Still denying meeting anyone just saying it was messages, so who knows whats to come. I am feeling extremely stuck - Do I go speak to him & tell him I will support him, but do so in a very very slow way - by this I mean meet once every 2 weeks, stay seperate houses etc let him work through his stuff, then give the couple counselling a go and just see where we stand? Or Do I wait for him to come to me? As i told him to do? It's making moving on/living through this hard as I don't know the direction. I know 100% should focus on me, but it's very very hard to do that. I feel I am so open to so much hurt thinking he may not even want to try and make the relationship work, but deep down I think we will make things work.... Advice for a stuck in a rut of throughts ex-partner?!!?!? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Domino69 Posted September 23, 2020 Report Share Posted September 23, 2020 Hi there, I really feel for you right now. I am only 6 weeks into discovery. Each situation and relationship is different and I can only really talk from my own perspective, whether this is the right or wrong approach I dont really know. For me FULL disclosure meant everything to me and it took 5 weeks to get there, eventually ending up with sex with prostitutes during our entire relationship and marriage. I guess the 1st question is do you want to know everything AND do you believe that he has been totally honest about the extent of what has been going on? Full disclosure allows you to make an informed choice that is right for you. Addiction is selfish and he is probably only thinking about how this has affected him at this moment, how his life will change and is probably clinging on to salvaging whatever he can from this but this may change. As for what you should do? I would say try not to overthink his thoughts, his actions. He made the choices he did, try to let him make the next ones too and hope they are positive. If you want, walk through in your mind your two different journeys... life with him as he recovers or life without him and try to see the pros and cons in each. I have a plan A which is to stay and also I have a plan B to separate and I am prepared, certainly at this point to follow either path. There are no quick fixes to this and no timetables to follow. Please know you are not alone, there are thousands of women just like us tonight across the UK and beyond going through this exact same nightmare. Women who did not ask for it and certainly do not deserve it! Lift your chin, hold your head up if you can and stay afloat. Kind Regards x 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Hedonia Posted September 24, 2020 Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 17 hours ago, Domino69 said: Please know you are not alone, there are thousands of women just like us tonight across the UK and beyond going through this exact same nightmare. Women who did not ask for it and certainly do not deserve it! I am both saddened by the fact that there are thousands of us, and heartened by it. We don't deserve this, but I have been so comforted by the honesty of other women who have been/are going through this nightmare. I recently spoke to my partner's ex-wife who had been blaming herself for his behaviour for the last 26 years. We are not alone, even though the shame and embarrassment of this addiction isolates us. Sunflower365 and Domino69, and all of us reading these forums, we each have to find the path that is right for us re supporting our addict partners. I have made a choice to support my partner, because he is genuinely putting in the work to get better. However, I reserve the right to change my mind as our situation changes. I know his bad choices are nothing to do with me. He may make more bad choices in the future; all the choices I make have to be about what is right for me. Sunflower 365, just remember that it took a long time for his habit to develop. He won't change it quickly. You too can take as much time as you need to come to whatever decision is right for you. I'm not part of a 12 step group, but the advice to take one day at a time is very wise. Sending love to all of you going through this pain, x 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower365 Posted September 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 (edited) Thank you @Domino69 and @Ann Hedonia I have been wanting a reply badly! It is definitely comforting (in an odd way) to know we are not alone. My question is now - Do I reach out and ask for disclosure? Or Do I wait for him to come to me? I do not believe I know everything - in fact, I know nothing. When he left the house he was still saying it was one text - since then I discovered many many messages etc but we have not discussed any of this as yet. He begged to speak a few days ago but I was simply not ready, too raw and hurting too much. It is still on 12 days... of which he spent 7 in denial. I know his first F2F counselling is today. I guess that is my dilemma - ask him and find out or dont? Am I avoiding being pushed away by not asking? I am avoiding the truth about what has happened? Not sure. Maybe some self preservation. Great advice re: walking the two paths - I have definitely done this, and I am definitely okay with both. Apologies for my ramblings! X Edited September 24, 2020 by Sunflower365 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted September 24, 2020 Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 Hi Sunflower365, Welcome to the Forum. There’s a lot of support on here and as you have found other’s at different stages of their journey. If you have not already seen this the blog series below is very useful. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction I was very sorry to hear your pain, but so glad you are able to share. Certainly you are not rambling! Take care. Firefly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower365 Posted September 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 6 minutes ago, Firefly said: Hi Sunflower365, Welcome to the Forum. There’s a lot of support on here and as you have found other’s at different stages of their journey. If you have not already seen this the blog series below is very useful. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction I was very sorry to hear your pain, but so glad you are able to share. Certainly you are not rambling! Take care. Firefly Thank you @Firefly! I have read anything I can get my hands on. I have signed up on the wait list for the LC therapist too. Again, I just don't know if I am doing the right thing as I dont even know if he wants my support. I am too vulnerable for that too - to find out an addiction and then be rejected, I dont think it's the case but it's how he/this has made me feel... and has done so for the past 16months (so a long time to feel self doubt).... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Hedonia Posted September 24, 2020 Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 Sunflower365, at day 12, I was struggling to remember to breathe! You are in the very early days, and will have waves of all kinds of feelings swamping you. Re asking for a disclosure, if you asked now, do you think you would get a full and honest answer? Even if he did come fully clean, how would you know, and how would you trust that he was telling the full truth? A genuine disclosure, willingly and voluntarily given can’t be forced. However, I too was consumed by the need to know. I checked his phone. It’s not something I had ever thought of doing -it wouldn’t have crossed my mind- and I felt horrible doing so, but it did give me the information I needed. I compared this with what he was telling me, and so I can substantiate any speck of trust I might be willing to extend. He is now happy for me to look at his phone, and I do, occasionally. So far, so good. Remember to breathe; and be kind to yourself. X 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 24, 2020 Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 @Sunflower365 you’ve got some great advice already on here, which I would add my voice to. Goodness yes 12 days is very early days but when you’ve thought of nothing else, morning noon and night it feels like a lifetime doesn’t it? And especially when you are not currently with your partner as many of us still are- it just exemplifies how different every situation is. I’m a few months further on than you and I still haven’t asked for full disclosure from my husband- it feels like we both have to get on stable ground before we are ready to face that step. There are many things you can both be doing to get that process started and sounds like you are finding out about all the alternatives. personally, ive always felt it was important for my husband to take each step on his own and although he has my emotional support that doesn’t mean I am necessarily actively and practically supporting- pushing- facilitating his recovery, as that feels a bit like the pattern of co dependency we had fallen into. And I know that if he can do this from his own Self motivation , the final result will be all the more solid. I hope that helps a bit. Don’t ever apologise for rambling on here- it helps us all to see different scenarios and to discuss different options for coping. You are not alone. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Domino69 Posted September 24, 2020 Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 Hi just reading this and reflecting on disclosure...... there is so much value in the telling the truth but you must be prepared for what you may hear and he must be ready to share it. I went hunting for my truth.... phone records, sat nav recent destinations, twitter (yes twitter), various adult websites, 2nd SIM cards, cash withdrawals, itemised phone bills in fact EVERTHING I could possibly think of to cross check against what I was being told. This hunt for the truth is ending on Sunday as I have booked a polygraph test which he has agreed to do. You mention being vulnerable and that's totally understandable in the circumstances and I worry sometimes that as partners instead of being victims in this we are simply volunteers but if we still love them and want to support them then we stare the bogeyman right in the face and get on with doing just that. Here with you all in this x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LittleSunshine01 Posted September 25, 2020 Report Share Posted September 25, 2020 (edited) ** I am sunflower 365!! Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate your advice. It's so so lovely to know I am not alone and this is actually so much more common than I thought. Re disclosure: I don't think I'll get the full one right now, no Re: support : I think I am willing to support him through this or at least give it a go - I just don't know if he wants it... I've heard through the grapevine he is very enthusiastic about having therapy. However his family are not the most endearing and it didn't sound massively like they are on it (no porn blockers etc). But that's out of my control. I can continue on with my life but I do just wonder if I will ever hear from him. & Yes most of my friends think I'm absolutely daft for ever wanting to hear from him again! Thanks again all have a lovely Friday! Edited September 25, 2020 by LittleSunshine01 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower365 Posted September 25, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2020 Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate your advice. It's so so lovely to know I am not alone and this is actually so much more common than I thought. Re disclosure: I don't think I'll get the full one right now, no Re: support : I think I am willing to support him through this or at least give it a go - I just don't know if he wants it... I've heard through the grapevine he is very enthusiastic about having therapy. However his family are not the most endearing and it didn't sound massively like they are on it (no porn blockers etc). But that's out of my control. I can continue on with my life but I do just wonder if I will ever hear from him. & Yes most of my friends think I'm absolutely daft for ever wanting to hear from him again! Thanks again all have a lovely Friday! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted September 26, 2020 Report Share Posted September 26, 2020 I realise our posts may get confused Sunflower365 😂. For me full disclosure was absolutely necessary, no matter how bad! I can’t live with any more lies. 😟. Domino69, I hope the polygraph goes well. I’m intrigued to hear about the experience as still debating the value of this. X 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 27, 2020 Report Share Posted September 27, 2020 7 hours ago, Sunflower said: I realise our posts may get confused Sunflower365 😂. Soon we may have a field full of sunflowers - how lovely! 🌻😍💛 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted September 27, 2020 Report Share Posted September 27, 2020 I love you all on here. Thank you for Sharing your pain. It helps to know we are not alone 💜 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 27, 2020 Report Share Posted September 27, 2020 3 hours ago, Sunflower said: love you all on here. Thank you for Sharing your pain. It helps to know we are not alone 💜 Apparently I am ‘not allowed to share any more reactions on here today’?! But yes, I agree Sunflower x 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Domino69 Posted September 27, 2020 Report Share Posted September 27, 2020 Hi Sunflower. Polygraph just finished. They came to the home to do this and it took about 3 hours. I should get the results tonight. You get 3/4 questions, aimed at a "no" response so question phrasing is really important but they supoprt you in this. I gave my husband 4 opportunities before full disclosure finally came out. I based my questions around what I had been told. As I am prepared (at this point anyway) to support him and move forward in our relationship and I am hoping that a: he wouldnt have been sooo stupid as to have agreed to a polygraph test if he wasnt telling the truth and more importantly b: that I can handle it if he has been lying again. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted September 27, 2020 Report Share Posted September 27, 2020 3 hours ago, Domino69 said: Hi Sunflower. Polygraph just finished. They came to the home to do this and it took about 3 hours. I should get the results tonight. You get 3/4 questions, aimed at a "no" response so question phrasing is really important but they supoprt you in this. I gave my husband 4 opportunities before full disclosure finally came out. I based my questions around what I had been told. As I am prepared (at this point anyway) to support him and move forward in our relationship and I am hoping that a: he wouldnt have been sooo stupid as to have agreed to a polygraph test if he wasnt telling the truth and more importantly b: that I can handle it if he has been lying again. I hope all goes well xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Domino69 Posted September 27, 2020 Report Share Posted September 27, 2020 Hi, test passed, the results have just come through! His last round of disclosure was the final truth and no further behaviour associated with his addiction since this all came out. I am so relieved we at least have some stable ground to consider what happens next. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted September 27, 2020 Report Share Posted September 27, 2020 That’s fantastic. I may consider this. Just don’t know where to start. I’m so pleased the outcome was a good one for you xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 28, 2020 Report Share Posted September 28, 2020 I’m so pleased for you Domino69. It must feel like a huge relief x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower365 Posted September 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 29, 2020 Thanks all for your replies. Very happy for you @Domino69 I have still not heard a word... I don't know if this is good or bad, but I now know I will not chase. He knows where I am. I hope one day I at least get an apology, not for the addiction as such, but for how very nasty/mean his reactions have been. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddiebear Posted October 3, 2020 Report Share Posted October 3, 2020 Domino I’m so happy for you and hope it brings you some peace. I’m considering this although I have found no evidence of cheating, messaging etc. He’s a technophobe and I found out about the addiction because he couldn’t delete his browser history. He says he’s only ever viewed porn but I still question why he’s never progressed to the next stage and he said because he would consider even masturbation to be cheating however he’s a compulsive liar over the most trivial things so I worry. I don’t know whether to press for it or let sleeping dogs lie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower365 Posted October 20, 2020 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2020 Hi All, A quick update. I have heard twice from my Ex. One to ask to speak, the second saying sorry and the fact he has been speaking to his counsellor, it's made him realise he has messed up and if there was anything he could do to make it better he would. However, he also saw my friend 2 weeks ago and disclosed he felt like a coward. Like he should have left as he hadn't been happy. I can't help but feel he is lying or denying how he truly felt - we broke up because I found the messages and asked him to leave. There were zero indiciations anything was wrong with our relationship. We were buying a house, getting a dog, discussing engagements - surely I would have known SOMETHING??!! I do not feel ready to hear his crap right now - I want him to have more therapy, its only been 6 weeks. I need him to connect more dots. I also do not feel mentally ready enough I feel I need to make some decisions in my mind first for example how much do I want to know? How much do I want to ask? I had in my head 3 months of therapy for him and myself separately before a discussion. I haven't been sleeping and feel rough, I look tired and hagged, so I want to feel amazing when I have that meeting - I want to know what I want out of it, not let him just dump his crappy emotions onto me. Does anyone have any thoughts about this? thanks in advance!!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted October 21, 2020 Report Share Posted October 21, 2020 Hi Sunflower365, thank you for your update. Sorry to hear you are not sleeping and generally feeling rough. I think working out what you want from the relationship will help in deciding what to say when you meet. What boundaries would you like in place to help build trust. Do you plan to keep talking to him until he has done 3 months of therapy? Are you getting any support yourself? e.g. talking to friends / family or a trained sex addiction / porn addiction counsellor? The couples book by Paula Hall is also a good read for you to know what you want out of the relationship. Hope that helps. Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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