IamEnough Posted September 22, 2020 Report Share Posted September 22, 2020 Sunflower, A_struggling_partner, Blindsided24 , FreddieBear, Domino69 and *everybody* out there- how are you all doing? I was wondering the other day as I looked around, just how many out there are touched by this addiction, either as an addict or a partner? I’m willing to bet it’s far more than we realise. I think in a way we are the lucky ones (bear with me 😆 ) because things have come to a turning point in our lives, through discovery, and we have reached out for support and connection. And now we can move forward, even if it is at a stuttering, slow and uneven pace. I have found it so helpful to have this forum to come to and have found supporting others a really valuable part of my own ‘recovery’, as well as having a place to vent a bit too! you've all offered me advice and support in the past (sorry if I haven’t included everyone) and I just wondered how you all were doing. xx 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A_struggling_partner Posted September 22, 2020 Report Share Posted September 22, 2020 Hello IamEnough, really nice to hear from you - it means a lot that you’re thinking of me and the rest of us. I check the forums regularly but don’t always feel in a place where I can put thoughts down in writing. I’m having an odd time at the moment where in some ways I feel a lot better but I’m also struggling to keep traumatic thoughts and images from invading my space. I feel like my relationship is improving in the ‘now’ but it’s so hard that no amount of improvement can negate the past. Finding a way to live with it is going to be hard, and I don’t know for certain that there isn’t more to be revealed. I also worry that I am a mug for staying with someone who has treated me like this - I think this is compounded by the fact that I was seeing a great but non-SA therapist at the time of discovery who I feel saw me as a codependent and was trying to influence me to leave. Hope that you’re doing ok at the moment. And would be lovely to hear from everyone else too if you’re feeling up to checking in. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Domino69 Posted September 22, 2020 Report Share Posted September 22, 2020 Hi HelloIamEnough good to hear from you. I cant seem to get more than 2 days in a row of successfully managing to push down waves of utter loathing for both my husband and myself. I am plagued with thoughts of his acting out with prostitutes and convincing myself that he isnt an addict but that he wanted his cake and to eat it, which he managed to do for 5 years. Its so hard to tell if he has just jumped on the band wagon of "sex addiction" because he got caught out. Why did he marry me in the 1st place when he had 15 years of this horrible problem under his belt already and ruin 5 years of my life?? If like me you are a "Lord of the Rings" fan you will know the story of Smegal and Gollum, I see him sometimes as Smegal,the victim, once a good and honest hobbit who was overrun by his desire for "his precious" and eventually it turned him into the pitiful and unrecognisable villian Gollum. Excuse the analogy but I think its so apt. Love and strength to us all xx 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted September 22, 2020 Report Share Posted September 22, 2020 Thank you IamEnough. I have just logged on here as I just felt so rubbish and it was like your post was meant to be. A struggling partner and Domino69 I echo all that you are saying. Today, although I function, do my very demanding job and clearly seem that I am so much better, I am overwhelmed with the shock of what I have discovered. 16 months in from discovery, 8 months from full disclosure and I feel it will never leave me. I too am consumed by intrusive thoughts and just sheer horror that this was happening for 20 years. I can’t even process it! If I had only had some sign of it, if only we had had difficulties, but we were the happiest couple! Makes no sense 😢. I thought tonight that I felt I was the luckiest woman alive to be with him, now I feel the unluckiest! Some things help. The blog on Psych Central.com ‘Why Should You Forgive? The impact of sex addiction‘ with Dr Linda Hatch helped me try to process things. I hope it’s ok to mention on here? I too question if it’s addiction. Given my husband’s past issues I believe it is. But that doesn’t always help. I agree it’s about acceptance too. That can be hard. Accepting our relationships are changed as are we as people. Our relationship has become much closer and I didn’t realise it could get even closer, but it has. So there is a positive. Forgiveness I think is letting go of the pain, not forgiving what they did. I’m tired of always feeling sad, angry, shocked etc. I hope that there will come a time when we can let go of the pain. Focus on the positives. I’m practicing saying ‘ no stop I’m not engaging with you’ when I get those horrible images and thoughts. Sometimes it works which is a bit of progress I guess! Stay strong everyone. Keep posting. 💜 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2020 Sunflower- glad the post found you at the right time. I think you are so right about accepting that our relationships have changed forever, (I think this is what kept me in denial for so long. I still wanted to be part of that ‘perfect couple’) but there is still an opportunity for becoming closer. I did in fact say to my husband, one morning a couple of days ago, that I think this actually could lead to us being stronger than ever... but in the interests of full disclosure (that word!!) I should point out that I have even since then had moments of utter despair. To say this is a challenging ride is a major understatement.... x 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2020 Domino69 that is a powerful analogy! It’s hurtful to know that there is something driving our partners that is stronger than their sense of loyalty to us... I suspect the level of addiction , or whether it is an addiction at all or just bad behaviour is somewhere along a spectrum and may even swing back and forth over time... I suppose all we can do is look at our partners in the context of their wider behaviour . Something I could never grasp with my husband was how at odds his acting out was with the rest of his life and strong values- which makes me think it MUST be an addiction . But on a bad day of course I’m only too ready to believe that he is just a *~@x<* 😆 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted September 22, 2020 Report Share Posted September 22, 2020 IamEnough. This is my husband too. Family would be soooo shocked. I am trying to hang on the good in him. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Posted September 23, 2020 Report Share Posted September 23, 2020 Hi IamEnough and everyone, I’m now 4 weeks after discovery. I check in on this forum almost daily and it is a help. I have wanted to reply when recently people have desperately reached out but I have been unable to string a reply together. im studying at present and had to have a few days away alone, which was ok and when I got home and walked through the door I just sunk into depression and despair again. Some days are better than others... I wish I could lie in bed all day. But I can’t as I’m busy so that’s probably a good thing. husband has got help lined up from saa and seems to have lots of new friends ringing him.... which is great support for him but sometimes annoys me! He has been on a laurel kickstart course and hopefully will be in the 8 week one soon. Im booked on the partner course. After I hope to start counselling for myself. Sometimes I feel so sorry for him other times I feel so lost betrayed and bewildered by it all. We talk a lot. This week I have gone though so many emotions and have Had a really dark time but I’m feeling a bit better today and yesterday. It’s such a rollercoaster. anyway that me, sorry to ramble, I do read your stories and feel for you all. I hope in time I’m able to provide more support to you all. You are all so brave xx 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Hedonia Posted September 23, 2020 Report Share Posted September 23, 2020 Hi all, I am new to this forum. I discovered my partner's deception on 1/6. My first response was to ask him to leave that day, but he crumbled in front of my eyes, and I realised he wasn't safe to be out in public/drive etc. Anyway, some months on, he is getting help from SLAA and from a really good therapist. I see how hard he is working, and I am proud of him for that, but I am raging inside, because all of his recovery talk is totally self-absorbed. There is little or no recognition that there are two of us going through this. Everything I have read about sex addiction (A LOT since the beginning of June!) talks about being patient with your addict partner and offering him the support he needs, but none of the literature I have read directed at addicts talks about being patient with us, and offering us support! He "slipped" last weekend, has apologised, and now I am supposed to move on from that. I am torn between pride and hope in his recovery, and rage at his utter selfishness. I feel trapped by my compassion for him. I feel as if my pain is too much for him to handle, alongside his own, so I have to look to friends, my therapist, and now this group, for support, all of which is good, but there is a place that only a partner can fill, and that place is devoid of anything but his pain and his need at the moment. How do the rest of you cope with the self-absorption, firstly of the addiction, and then of recovery? I just want to shake him and say, "what about me?" 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Domino69 Posted September 23, 2020 Report Share Posted September 23, 2020 Hi all, we are watching this together, having downloaded it from the internet https://www.drdougweiss.com/product/helping-her-heal-dvd/ It is really powerful and its aimed at the addict, helping him understand what we went through the day of discovery and how to support us in our own recovery journey. It wont be for everyone but I just wanted him to understand what I felt on that utterly awful day and what I am going through now. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blindsided24 Posted September 23, 2020 Report Share Posted September 23, 2020 Hello all! Thanks for checking in! Well I don't know where I am with this at all. I spent last week fantasizing about separation and it was kind of freeing and I was feeling in control. By the end of the week though I was a bit low and starting to get angry. I realised that he's still not really into doing anything but the bare minimum in order to keep me happy. I've always doubted his acceptance of the problem and it started to really bug me last week. We tend to set aside time to talk quite frequently, but I realised that without me initiating it, he wouldn't. I decided to leave it to see, it was two weeks before he made the move. What really got on my nerves was the last time we talked he suggested I was depressed. Didn't mention it once in those two weeks. In fact, he got angry with me for being withdrawn and angry. So now I'm not sure about anything. He is missing something fundamental in his emotional make up, he can't seem to hear what I'm saying and he can't fathom why his life isn't back to normal seeing as he's stopped camming. But that's all he's done, he can't seem to see that he needs to do way more. And the lack of trust takes me by surprise, emails being closed down when I walk past etc. Oh, and he's stopped therapy. It's not looking good is it? Sorry for my rant! Xx 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blindsided24 Posted September 23, 2020 Report Share Posted September 23, 2020 5 hours ago, Ann Hedonia said: How do the rest of you cope with the self-absorption, firstly of the addiction, and then of recovery? I just want to shake him and say, "what about me?" Yes to this. It does feel very centred on them, and maybe that's why we're all in this mess! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted September 24, 2020 Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 16 hours ago, Ann Hedonia said: Hi all, I am new to this forum. I discovered my partner's deception on 1/6. My first response was to ask him to leave that day, but he crumbled in front of my eyes, and I realised he wasn't safe to be out in public/drive etc. Anyway, some months on, he is getting help from SLAA and from a really good therapist. I see how hard he is working, and I am proud of him for that, but I am raging inside, because all of his recovery talk is totally self-absorbed. There is little or no recognition that there are two of us going through this. Everything I have read about sex addiction (A LOT since the beginning of June!) talks about being patient with your addict partner and offering him the support he needs, but none of the literature I have read directed at addicts talks about being patient with us, and offering us support! He "slipped" last weekend, has apologised, and now I am supposed to move on from that. I am torn between pride and hope in his recovery, and rage at his utter selfishness. I feel trapped by my compassion for him. I feel as if my pain is too much for him to handle, alongside his own, so I have to look to friends, my therapist, and now this group, for support, all of which is good, but there is a place that only a partner can fill, and that place is devoid of anything but his pain and his need at the moment. How do the rest of you cope with the self-absorption, firstly of the addiction, and then of recovery? I just want to shake him and say, "what about me?" Dear Ann, the addicted partner can often become self-absorbed in their own recovery and struggle to understand the pain and draw on empathy for their partner. I am wondering if this workshop might be useful to him? It is next weekend and online. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/courses/understanding-partners-needs. Also, there is a lot of blogs written for the partner on the Laurel Centre website, which if your partner read, he may get to understand the level of pain you are going through. All the best Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted September 24, 2020 Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 10 hours ago, Blindsided24 said: And the lack of trust takes me by surprise, emails being closed down when I walk past etc. Oh, and he's stopped therapy. Dear Blindsided24, that sounds really tough, especially as the behaviour mentioned above is not being open and transparent. What was his reason for stopping the therapy? Have you heard of an accountability contract? The aim of an accountability contract is to build trust in the relationship and for the addicted partner to show they are committing to the relationship and also their recovery. Here is a blog link to how to build one an accountability contract and other ways to build trust. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/sex-addiction--a-guide-for-couples--rebuilding-trust. I hope this might be a useful platform to start another conversation with him and for him to commit to be more proactive in the things you need e.g. booking in times to talk through your relationship and his recovery. I wish you all the best Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 Rose, it sounds like you’re really going through it- I’m so sorry . I’ve certainly had my moments of depression, it’s hard to keep it at bay when the dark thoughts take over. I keep reminding myself that it’s very early days. I’m glad you’re booked on the partners course- I’ll see you there 😊 xx 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 On 9/23/2020 at 7:32 PM, Domino69 said: Hi all, we are watching this together, having downloaded it from the internet https://www.drdougweiss.com/product/helping-her-heal-dvd/ It is really powerful and its aimed at the addict, helping him understand what we went through the day of discovery and how to support us in our own recovery journey. It wont be for everyone but I just wanted him to understand what I felt on that utterly awful day and what I am going through now. Thanks for that Domino69, I’m going to try and download it x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 Ann Hedonia- that sounds like a very reasonable reaction to me- you are the hurt party in this after all. I certainly recognise that need to scream- how do you think I feel in all of this! Ultimately though I’ve come to realise that I can’t expect him to make me feel better- only I can do that myself and that my own journey is just as important if not more so , than his. I can never guarantee he will never relapse- all I can do is make sure I am as strong as possible if he does. This is very much a work in progress though and there are moments when I just want to RANT!! sending love xx 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2020 Blindsided24 I’m so sorry to hear he’s stopped therapy- that must have triggered all kinds of feelings in you. I suppose if I were feeling charitable I’d say that maybe some men take more time to come to terms with the consequences of their actions, or face their feelings of shame and embark on a committed programme of recovery. But, who knows how their brains work- we wouldn’t all be here if we understood that... let’s hope he comes to his senses. In the meantime, look after yourself xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blindsided24 Posted September 26, 2020 Report Share Posted September 26, 2020 Thanks all . Having had my therapy this week, I'm going to try accountability contract. If that doesn't work then I know I've tried. Xx 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddiebear Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 Hi IAmEnough, how kind of you to ask. My mum died two weeks ago and her funeral was Thursday. I’m just waiting for the next catastrophe to be hurled at me. She wasn’t the nicest person, we aren’t a close family as she alienated people and there’s only me as my older sister died 8 years ago at 56 and my younger sister refuses to have any contact with her. My husband has been supportive but not sympathetic which, given she couldn’t even get his name right (we’ve been together 24 years ) isn’t unforgivable but when I was upset his first question was ,’ is it about me? ‘ I know he’s remorseful, sad, ashamed etc but his porn addiction is just another thing to deal with at present. His stepmother sent me a email basically saying ‘you don’t know what grief is until you’ve lost a partner‘ and to cap it all we are locked down again, it’s raining and the darker nights are coming. What a memorable year for all of the wrong reasons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddiebear Posted October 4, 2020 Report Share Posted October 4, 2020 Sorry to add on a more positive note I’ve been so preoccupied with all of the other issues I’ve not had time to worry about him, it’s almost 6 months since I found out and I’m fairly certain he never progressed from watching porn as he’s too afraid of technology to do anything else and I have always had access to his email and the mobile phone bill comes to me. That’s doesn’t mean I’m not appalled he could damage our relationship, betray my trust and make the choice to watch in the first place but the advice on here to take one day at a time has helped me hugely and I’m very very grateful for the friendship and opportunity to vent. Thank you all xxx 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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