Desperately Unhappy 2

[ElleS]

Hi,

I have just joined the site out of desperation at not being able to share my husband's addiction with anyone.   I feel like I'm holding my breath all the time, waiting to see what he'll do next.  My husband just seems to be able to get on whilst his addiction is something I just can't get out of my mind.  Sometimes I just want to scream it out loud, I am so sick of bottling it all up.  Being in lockdown with a porn addict has been absolute hell, especially as I have had my two 21 and 20 year old daughters at home, so no space/time for discussion/rows/crying/shouting!  No-one knows, I just have to get on with it, as do we all.  I told him the other day that I actually wished he had hit me instead, because at least then it would be out in the open and people would be supportive (he wouldn't and has never, however!).  It is absolutely soul destroying going through this,

My husband was given an ultimatum three weeks ago after things reached absolute rock bottom and is now apparently sorting himself out some counselling, but it remains to be seen.  He has been doing this behaviour to the best of my knowledge for the last 9 years, but probably longer as we've only been together 12 years.  I discovered my first husband was a serial adulterer after 17 years together.  As far as my new husband goes, I found out he had progressed from porn to online chat and meeting sites a year ago - I still don't know if he went further than that - just after I had been given the all clear from a very serious health scare.  We have no sex life ourselves and to be honest, I don't know why I put up with it sometimes.  He is absolutely on his final warning.  I barely recognise the man I married, and I don't think I have ever been so miserable.

I am so relieved to find this non-judgmental forum.  Sorry about the waffling, I'm just glad to know I am not alone - although I wish for all our sakes mine was an isolated case.  Take care everyone. x

 

[Blindsided24]

I am at work but wanted to respond quickly. You're very much in good company here (unfortunately?!). I absolutely hear what you're saying about being isolated.  I want to just explode with it sometimes but I also worry that it'll also reflect badly on me, I don't really want to be open to judgement! Id feel so humiliated.

I carry the relationship, I have not raised the subject for over a week now and I'm waiting to see if he does. For me it's a test on his willingness to be doing something about this.

[Domino69]

Hi, just read your post and as Blindsided24 said there are many of us. No doubt all different, unique and wonderful women bound together by a label that no of us wanted "partner of a sex addict". Can I ask why you are not telling anyone?  Is it to protect him, you or a combination? In my case his immediate family, mine and a few of our friends know and they have been wonderfully supportive to me and are keeping my head above water as I don't have the strength to.  They are trying to be there for him too, although they are still coming to terms with it. If you need the support and love of people who care about you then please do consider your needs 1st. Thinking of you x

[ElleS]

Thank you so much Domino69.  Really it's been a combination of things.  Partly because I did try a few years ago to talk to a friend about it (when it was just images, not meeting sites etc.), and just got a horrified "don't think I can help you" response - porn is still something of a taboo subject - and partly because I've been dealing with some serious stuff, in the last 18 months including a very close family member's illness and death,  work issues and a whole raft of other things that just seem to relegate it to the back-burner because I don't want to burden the other people I am close to.   I know they would rally round if I wanted to tell them, and I know they would be shocked and horrified at what he doing, especially in light of what I went through with my first husband.  He has asked me not to tell them as he is ashamed of what he is doing, and says he wouldn't be able to socialise with them again if they knew, which I get too.  Also, at the moment I am not telling them  because, as well meaning as they are, they would all probably tell me to kick him out, and I really just need support, not advice.  I don't know if that was the same for you, or if your partner feels the same as mine? x

[Domino69]

Hi Elsie, I absolutely get where you are coming from. It was slightly different for me as my husband attempted suicide when I discovered what he had been doing and he was hospitalised for 3 days so his family had to know. Mine didnt, but I choose to tell them. I was afraid though that they would think me a failure as its my not my 1st marriage either and I was afraid that my friends would cast opinions on the state of my marriage, that in some way he must have been unhappy to do what he did, which he assures me is not and never has been the case. What I discovered was that these were all MY fears and when I took the courage to tell them  they were full of love compassion for me and strangely for him too.  I am sure that some of them think I am a mug for staying but on the whole I think they admire most my strength to stay - and I am sure that those who love you will come to the same conclusion. We are trying to stay together to work it out and fast tracking some actions to get him help as soon as we can. I told him its either both feet into recovery, or both feet (with a suitcase) out of the door! Lastly, I believe to my very soul in the power of redemption.... that the person that he once was with the addiction  is not the person he must always always be. I just hope he believes that too. I dont know if this will help you at all but I am sure I speak for everyone on this forum that we totally understand everything you are feel and our thoughts are with you. 

[ElleS]

Hi Domino, thank you so much for your words.  I too believe in redemption.  I see very little of the man I married 10 years ago, but I do get glimpses.  If he can change so much one way, then surely there must be a way back or at least a way to something/one else?  I hope I don't sound too naive, and I realise that the hope lies with me at the moment.  I will not be played for a fool, but I can forgive where there is a genuine desire to change.  To a point, anyway.  I am finding it really hard at the moment in particular, but I totally get your both feet in or out analogy.  I actually found the courage to talk to a friend at work about how hard it is today, the first time I have actually admitted to anyone outside a counselling room.  INot in any great detail, just that he had an addiction that was severely damaging our marriage.  'm not sure tonight if I feel better or worse, as he's just come back from one of his "flits" away.  But it is of great comfort to know that in any way we can find, we can support each other. on here.  Thank you.  x

[IamEnough]

Hi ElleS, I’m only just catching up on here today after a few days away but wanted to thank you for posting and to say I totally understand your pain. The shame and secrecy surrounding this horrible addiction adds another layer of weight and isolation that feels almost unbearable at times. I’ve found a huge amount of support on this forum and I hope you can do the same. 
i also made an ultimatum to my husband and he has been through the online programme and now considers himself to be fully committed to recovery. However one thing I have learnt in the weeks since this all kicked off (and he has admitted to being fully physically involved in acting out) is that my choices around staying or going are not dependent on his recovery. Also that the most important thing is for me to work actively on my own mental health and well-being . This feels like it is taking the pressure off the relationship for the time being. 
don’t get me wrong- it is still a rollercoaster, as you will see from my previous posts and I still have many bad days along with occasional glimmers of hope. 
keep sharing, and take in day at a time. Sending love 

x

[Snowflake]

Hi ElleS.  I'm new here too. Welcome to the forum.  There is so much good advice, and much more importantly, understanding on here.  It's worth its weight in gold. 

I hear you about violence being easier to explain.  I told my husband I wished he was an alcoholic (obviously I don't) but the secrecy is such an added burden.  I know even my closest friend would be shocked, and unable to keep it to herself, so it all gets bottled up.  As far as anyone knows it was a one night stand and we're having counselling for it.  What no-one sees is the deep despair that in fact it's something that has been going on for years and I have no control over.  I too have teen/twenties children and I sometimes have to bite my tongue in case I scream at them "Your father's a bloody sex addict".  I find it so hard because we separated for nearly a year, but the kids seem to think I'm overreacting to be so upset over a 'one-off'.  So I'm the bad guy, So glad I've found here to vent on.  I cried writing my first post a few days ago, but all I've found is understanding and support.  I'm sure you will too.  Take care of yourself x

[Freddiebear]

Hi Ellie, I too have told no one because I think everyone would be so shocked they’d be bursting to discuss it with someone. Also I met a friend recently who was having group therapy for anxiety and he said, guess who I saw there? Then revealed it was someone we both knew. I find this forum is excellent for letting off steam, realising you aren’t alone and that there’s always someone to give advice. Stay strong and put yourself first xx