Help with trauma - spinning out

[A_struggling_partner]

I wonder if anyone is on the boards right now who can just tell me that I’m going to be ok?

I’ve known about my partner’s sex addiction since Christmas and although he hasn’t yet told me the full extent I had been able to figure it out.  Today I decided to go looking for what I already knew and found the actual evidence and I feel shaky and sick.

He’s out for the day right now.  Does anyone have advice about how to broach this when he gets home?  In some ways nothing has changed but I’m also really angry that he hasn’t got rid of these things yet.  He’s been having therapy for several months and has changed his behaviour a lot and is being more open but it feels like he’s not letting go of things if he is keeping and probably re-watching the mementos.

[Rose]

Hi I can’t really offer any help as I only found out about my partner On Sunday. I just wanted to send some comfort over  and I feel your pain. I looked at over 600 emails while drinking two bottles of wine.... I can’t remember a lot but the stuff I can I don’t know how to unsee. I feel your sickness and pain. I don’t know how to advise you to approach your partner but all I can say is breath and be kind to yourself. You will be Ok. Maybe not yet but one day. I’m sorry I could not be more helpful I just wanted to reach out. 

[A_struggling_partner]

Thank you so much for responding Rose, it means a lot that someone is out there reading and empathising.  I hope that you are doing ok and also being kind to yourself x

[Firefly]

I am so sorry to hear about this and that it opens old wounds. I guess that your husband will be defensive if you present the evidence on his return.

My partner in a similar situation left the evidence on my desk and let me take the facts in! I had similarly  not fully let go in the early days of my recovery and wrongly it was a security blanket. 

Paula talks about this in her book about the keeping a packet of cigarettes in her handbag after giving up smoking. 

I fully agree with Rose when she says “I don’t know how to advise you to approach your partner but all I can say is breath and be kind to yourself. You will be Ok. Maybe not yet but one day.”

Thinking of you at this time.

Take care.

Firefly

[IamEnough]

A_struggling_partner, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been in this situation and can remember that sick shaky feeling. It’s like a chasm opens up between the old life and the future.  This may be a bit late now, but my advice would be, to do whatever it takes to look after your own needs in the immediate aftermath. This might look like saying- I have come across some information that has devastated me, I’d like you to consider how we discuss this in a rational way when I have recovered enough to have a conversation, in the meantime I’d like you to respect my space and allow me to process the traumatic emotions that I’m feeling . (I think this is more or less what I said... or it may have been rather more ranty and emotional 😬 ) 

You have a long road up ahead. But at least you know (some of) what you are dealing with now, and that knowledge is the the basis of what happens next. In due course (in my experience- I’m not a therapist) you’ll probably want to establish his commitment to address his issues, and how you are going to find support to help you through this harrowing situation. 
please know you are not alone, and please take care. 
x

[Sunflower]

So hard for you I know! I had a long drip drip disclosure starting in May 19 of significant porn use and messaging a prostitute, moving on to prostitute visits before me to finally admitting in Feb 20 to visits during our first ten years together but not in our next ten years, but he had started that path again. Phoning one three years ago but backing out and then the recent messages. Luckily I discovered the message. It was a long, messy and painful time and I am devastated. What I have learned is that this will be a messy process. I wanted to know everything instantly. But I discovered that a SA will lie, omit and minimise. They will do this through shame, pain, not wanting to face what they’ve done and seeing your pain. I am shocked how well my husband lied. Unfortunately threats got the truth. I threatened that I knew how to recover all his WhatsApp messages ( I didn’t!) and I said I wanted a lie detector test. It was this that finally brought the truth. I used this for everything. I wanted every sexual detail. Some may say that was unwise but for me imagining was worse than actually knowing. But we are all different. All of this probably doesn’t make you feel better. But I guess I’m trying to say that there is no clear path. I constantly questions. I ask the same ones over and over as I try to establish some kind of stability in my head. Not knowing is tough for me. I don’t like not being in control. I still think I don’t know everything because I was lied to so many times. But I will say that I have got better at functioning! I get up everyday. I go out etc. I go to work. But I still cry every day. I still get periods of panic and anxiety. But when I look back I can see that I am moving on. But there’s no quick fix. Sometimes I don’t know how I function and all of this at these unprecedented times is very tough. You will be ok! It just won’t happen instantly and you will need to get support and be as strong as you can. Do what is right for you. Thinking of you xxxx

[A_struggling_partner]

Thanks so much everyone for your replies.  I’m not so shaky today but very irritable! We ended up talking about it yesterday which was good in a way, but also made me angry to hear how he had managed to explain away such callous behaviour to himself.

I’m glad I have the certainty, but even though I had figured it out by myself before, I guess a small part of me was hoping that there could be some way that it wasn’t true.

 

[Freddiebear]

I found out 3 weeks into lockdown , there’s good and bad days. I cope by putting it out of my mind, focussing  on his many good points and even pretending it didn’t happen. I have no idea if he’s told me everything but take comfort in the fact he is hopeless at technology so doubt if he has contacted anyone - he assured me he hasn’t but he has a history of lying to me about trivial things. What I have learned is I’m stronger than I realised but I also feel desperately betrayed and that the past 20 years have  no solid foundation. It will get better -  try little things like pampering yourself. Warm baths and taking pleasure in family/children which give a sense of normality . I’m sending you hugs and you’re not alone, the forums are very supportive xx