Rose Posted August 28, 2020 Report Share Posted August 28, 2020 On Sunday my husband left some things on the laptop which I found and led me to contact him at work. I told him it was over and I meant this. I have on a couple of other occasions found stuff and the last time was like he was getting closer to actual meetings but He promised he would not do it again. this time it’s closer to home and a ongoing conversation for over a year with the same person ... I actually know this person too.... watching live stuff and more so once I found it I knew I had to end it for my own sanity. I am so hurt and devastated however and here comes the really messed up part he came home and broke down full of remorse and told me he had to tell me something he has told no one. He has a porn addiction and it’s all fantasies but he has been Mentally messed up since childhood when he was sexually abused. He has told no one about the abuse till that point. I am in total shock on the one hand I feel sorry for him and on the other I’m so betrayed. He is full of remorse and has spoke to several online organisations and they say it’s. Coping mechanism and referrals have been made. It’s been reported and I went with him to make a statement for historical child abuse. It’s being taken seriously and passed in to a major crime unit. It’s a long road ahead but I don’t know how I feel... will I ever trust him again, could we ever have sex again, I don’t know I’m in turmoil struggling to get out of hed and have drank wine and For the last five days s it’s all so f^*ked up. I am in two people and he is just running around making me cups of tea asking if I need anything when really I should be doing that for him. It’s all so messed up. we run our own business and Have closed up this week but I have to work this weekend as it’s busy and financially would be stupid not too as it’s our last chance to earn before our season ends. I have ordered Paulas partner book, am he has booked on the kickstart course. I think I will need counselling at some point. To make it more dramatic I have been recovering from GAD and PTSD as a result of a car crash 4 years ago and finally the last couple of months I felt more human ...now I’m scared of how will I ever deal with this and should we stay or separate. Our kids are tween and adult we told them about he was abuse and we got police involved but no more than that. Sorry for my ramble I just need to offload. I’m so lost right now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Posted August 28, 2020 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2020 Sorry I should probably add my husband is a wonderful husband in every way and I had no idea about the depth of this. I can’t believe what happened to him as a child and have told him I’m here to help him through that. I can’t suddenly just turn off love and he is a broken man right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted August 28, 2020 Report Share Posted August 28, 2020 Rose, welcome to the Forum and I am glad you have managed to write down how you feel and so very sorry for the pain you are going through. The discovery affects everyone in different ways. You are not alone and unfortunately it’s normal to be on this emotional roller coaster 🎢 If you have not already seen it the following is a useful blog series, while you wait for Paula’s book. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction I am glad your husband has finally had the courage to speak out and get the help he needs. You will see from other posts you are not alone and although there are no specific answers to the question about staying or leaving it is important to get the support for yourself either from this Forum, a Partner group or one off use of a trained counsellor to help you. I hope that other partner posts may help you as well. You are not alone. Take care. Firefly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted August 28, 2020 Report Share Posted August 28, 2020 Oh Rose my heart goes out to you! I understand and feel everything you are saying. This is so hard. I, too have had days in bed, drank Prosecco and taken a sleeping tablet to try and stop the pain. This is a tough time for you both. It is important to get help, which you are doing. But st yourself a counsellor NOW! One that specialises in Sex Addiction. Don’t make any rash decisions and just aim to get through a day at a time. Don’t think about the future or what might happen. You will experience so many conflicting and difficult emotions. You are right, you can’t just turn off love if it is real and it clearly is. You have come to the right place on this forum. Lots of support. Look after yourself xxx 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted August 28, 2020 Report Share Posted August 28, 2020 Hi Rose- firstly, thank you for posting here and sharing your thoughts- it’s not easy but hopefully you’ll get some support and comfort from those of us here that can truly empathise with you as a result of our own experiences. I agree with Sunflower - please do get some counselling by someone who knows this very particular kind of addiction and the long lasting and traumatic impact it has on partners. This has made all the difference to me. sending love x 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Posted August 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2020 Thank you all for your kind words. I have found some comfort in this forum the last few days. Reading others stories and understanding I am not alone. I’m just in total shock and betrayal but I also told my husband I will help him get the help he needs to work in his addiction and also deal with the abuse he suffered as a child. j know we need to take one day at a time and not really worry about anything after that right now. im speaking to someone at the laurel centre Wednesday so I will ask about counselling then. I also need support on to help my partner with his abuse so I’m going to ring a couple of helplines over the weekend. i got out of bed for a few hours yesterday and that made me feel normal for a while. ita just so hard when I have all theses images and conversations that I read just coming into my head. I have read the blogs but will read read them as I’m not taking in much at the moment .. they are a comfort . thank you once again for accepting me into the forum and holding space. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted August 29, 2020 Report Share Posted August 29, 2020 Rose, well done for taking these first small steps. I have notifications turned on so please post if things get too hard over the weekend. I and a few others will do all we can to support you through, as I know you will for us. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted August 29, 2020 Report Share Posted August 29, 2020 Yes I agree. I’m always checking so please post whenever you need to. It is a tough time to face, but we can support each other xx 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Posted August 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2020 Thank you all it’s comforting to be a part of this forum and know that X 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Posted September 1, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2020 Today has been the worst day physically..... I had to go shopping and it was hard work. I had to control my panic attacks the entire time. I’m exempt from wearing a mask but wore one as makes me panic not too. My husband was suicidal throughout the night....... and my body has given up today. It’s my period and I have to hide this secret. I rang a helpline but they just said they would send me stuff to help support me support my partner with his sexual abuse disclosure.... nothing for me and it took me several days to make the call. I think ten days of bottles of wine has took its toll... today I had only one glass and going to bed very soon. I plan to detox the next few days and see where that gets me. I plan to get up tomorrow and try to get some stuff done... I’m sure my tween son must wonder why I’m in bed all the time. It’s just draining me all the shocks, all the trauma what is my future and will j stay sane. I already had PTSD so now what do I have have.... sorry I suppose I’m just feeling it today and feel so overwhelmed with trauma. Tomorrow is a new day. I know that. Sending love out to all you partners going through this. I have read most of the posts and really feel for you all it’s such an emotional rollercoaster. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddiebear Posted September 1, 2020 Report Share Posted September 1, 2020 I really feel for you and wondered if it would help to let you know that 4 months in I still have days like this, the mind has amazing ways of manifesting the hurt, shock and trauma you have experienced. I can honestly say that it gets better but there are still days when I feel absolutely blindsided and these come out of the blue without warning.. Focus on the positive parts of your relationship because they will be the basis for rebuilding if that’s what you chose to do and they will also remind you of happier times. There’s no quick fix or remedy it’s time and talking for me. We’ve not gone down the route of therapy so far, WiFi is off and there was never any contact by text or in person. He’s a technophobe, I set up and have access to emails accounts etc so I know he’s telling me the truth that it was only visual and nothing more. It’s still hideous and I’m dealing with loads of other family stuff and putting a face on. It’s hard and was a total shock but we are working through it. I find the forums immensely helpful especially the anonymity as I don’t want anyone to know. Be kind to yourself xxxx 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted September 1, 2020 Report Share Posted September 1, 2020 Rose I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. It is such a tremendous shock and your body is taking the brunt of it, as well as having to support your husband if he is feeling suicidal. I do hope that both you and he can find the support you need. My heart goes out to you. As FreddieBear says there will be good and bad days, for a long time to come- I am just coming out of a week or so of virtual non- functioning as mind and body shut down. I was scared I was going to go into a long depression but somehow today I feel much better. I sincerely hope tomorrow is a better day- please do check in and let us know how you are x 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted September 1, 2020 Report Share Posted September 1, 2020 Rose I agree with the responses here. I’m 15 months in and 7 months ago found out the full truth. I too went in to similar depression and that inability to function. I still get bad weeks, really struggled a couple of weeks ago. Talking for me too is helpful. I even feel better when I’ve had a rant, like a release. Although I hate doing that. It sounds like you are starting to take positive steps to improve your well being. But I appreciate how hard it is. Just getting dressed can be a challenge. I didn’t wear make up for months and that’s so unlike me. You just have to be kind to yourself. Have self compassion. Don’t put pressure on yourself to do too much but try to do a little, sometimes. My heart goes out to you. XX 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted September 2, 2020 Report Share Posted September 2, 2020 Dear Rose, thinking of you and I hope talking with someone from the Laurel Centre today will give you something to hold on to. An anchor in the storm. Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Posted September 2, 2020 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2020 Thank you all for your kind words. Today has been much better.... I got dressed cooked lunch and dinner and sorted some emails that I needed to do. I’m exhausted now. One day at a time..... thank you for sharing your stories with me too. I’m very grateful to this forum right now as it’s my safe space. I hope in time I’m able to offer support back. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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