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My question is around disclosure;  I know a lot about my husband’s behaviours (escorts) over the last 30 years but clearly I don’t know everything- and I really don’t want to. The little I do know is bad enough.  I understand that this is part of the therapeutic process though (from reading Paula Hall’s partners’ book) I am struggling to understand how knowing more detail will help- surely it will just give me more detail, in glorious, undeniable technicolor, to beat myself up with? I’m scared that if I know everything, that will be it. I will have no choice but to leave the man I love, in order to preserve my fragile mental health   and the door will be firmly closed behind me. 
Can anyone reassure me in any way? 

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Dear IamEnough, I am one of the Laurel Centre counsellors.  I wanted to reassure you that not all couples go down the disclosure route.   Each person is different and deal with sex addiction differently.   However, I will say that the therapeutic disclosure is there any option to provide a path of healing, not one of doing more damage.  That is why Paula puts the word 'therapeutic' in front of the word disclosure.   It is also recommended the disclosure is done with the addicted partner's therapist (trained in doing therapeutic disclosures) as well as the partner's therapist (again done the training).  So the therapeutic disclosure is done as sensitively and safely as possible.    Hope that helps to reassure you that you don't have to have the therapeutic disclosure.  All the best Ginny

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Thanks Ginny, that is helpful. I can see how it might be useful, I’m just terrified that a full disclosure might drive the final wedge into a marriage I am desperate to save. 

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Hi Iamenough, I think I’m with you on disclosure. My husband reckons he’s nothing to disclose but as he’s lied consistently I cannot believe this to be true. I have quite good days but then about every 10-14 days I feel like I have been hit by a truck. He’s very sorry and I know I shouldn’t blame myself but how am I meant to believe that I am suddenly the most wonderful, desire able person in the world when for at least 5 years he’s lay next to me in bed watching porn while I sleep.  When it all came out he told me he liked 20-30 year olds, I am 60 so where do that leave me? X

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So sorry FreddieBear- it’s a devastating and seemingly insoluble situation isn’t it. Not quite sure how your husband can say he has nothing to disclose! Is he doing the programme? My husband has just finished and disclosure hasn’t been mentioned By him at all. I only know about it from my own reading. He is doing a n online supporting your partner workshop tomorrow so we’ll see what comes out of that. 
 

I know what you mean about the truck coming along and hitting you occasionally. Same for me, but less often and less intense. But then I worry we are just moving on and brushing it under the carpet as we always have done... sigh 😔 

sending love and support 

xx

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