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Support and HELP


Justkatewilldo
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Hello,

I’m desperately seeking some help/advice on my situation.

Ive been with my partner for just 10 months - we see each other over the weekend, (he lives with his ex and child at the moment because of lockdown) where he sleeps on the sofa.

My sex drive is high, and I fancy this guy so much, but lately he’s either been “too tired, his back hurts from sleeping on the sofa, or feels groggy“ whenever I initiate sex. Now we are both youngish (early 30s) and for someone that “fancies me so much” after not seeing me for a week or so, you would have thought sex would be top of the list? It’s certainly at the top of mine.

Ive brought it up to him, and asked him if he still finds me attractive etc, to which he says yes bla bla bla “I’m just tired and my back hurts because I’ve been lying on the sofa” I’ve explained how it makes me feel, but he gets irate with me when I don’t settle for what he says? I just can’t seem to get across to him how I’m perceiving things? some weeks he’s raring to go, and other weeks he just can’t be bothered? Makes me wonder what’s actually happening while he’s staying with his ex? 
even though he assures me there is no sexual attraction there. 
He says that he gets annoyed with me because he’s trying to explain why, but really? What type of excuse is that? Mate, I’ve not seen you all week?? 
I’m so upset about this and it’s really affecting my confidence :(

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Hi . Welcome to the Forum and sorry to hear that this is affecting your confidence. 

I do know that there are many reasons why men don’t want sex, and the  cultural myth that a man doesn't want sex because his partner is unattractive is certainly not true.

I would try not to jump to any conclusions or think the worst, although I do understand that is easier to say than do!

The lockdown has produced a lot of stress for everyone and he might have worries about supporting his existing family and you, or work issues, or anything else that he might not feel comfortable to share as a “breadwinner”.

You may have to be patient and just be happy he is there; and see what happens when he has had a good nights sleep.

I may be off the mark so happy for others to chip in.

Take good care.

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Thanks for sharing your worries with us.    I would agree with Firefly, that there could be a whole host of reasons why he is not in the mood for sex.   It is very easy for the person on the receiving end of hearing the word 'I'm not in the mood, or I am tired' to think it is because you are no longer attractive and this can really knock our self-esteem and body image.  There are lots of other ways that you can show each other care and affection.   Sex is just one way of being intimate with one another.   I am sharing a blog which describes the other ways to show intimacy.   It is focussed around couples recovering from sex and porn addiction, so please read around that.   I am not suggesting he has an addiction, as Firefly says, it could be lots of different reasons.     https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/sex-addiction--a-guide-for-couples--rebuilding-intimacy.   Another thing to focus on is the aspects of your relationship that are really good.   It may feel like sex is everything, but a relationship is built on a whole lot of other things.   So while you ride through this stage of mismatched sexual desire, maybe look at the relationship as a whole:  https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/sex-addiction--a-guide-for-couples--analysing-the-strength-of-your-relationship.     Life under lockdown has not been easy, so I hope when we see further restrictions lift, you will see a shift in him too.    Take care Ginny

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