Freddiebear Posted June 4, 2020 Report Share Posted June 4, 2020 Six weeks ago during lockdown I discovered my husband of 21 years has a porn habit. He can’t tell me when or how it started and I have determined some time after he retired and acquired an iPad so 5-6 years. I thought our lives were almost perfect . I’m struggling to come to terms with a new normal and we are locked down. He says all he did was watch porn, never masturbated or met/chatted/texted. I am trying to be Understanding and have read all about dopamine etc. I’m struggling , at times he acts the victim. I’m a talker he buries things. I’m absolutely devastated. I’ve read Paulas book about partners. Please help with any advice . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted June 5, 2020 Report Share Posted June 5, 2020 Dear Freddiebear, Welcome to the Forum. So very sorry to hear you are drowning and struggling to understand what is happening around you. You say you have read Paula’s partner book and it might have given you more questions than answers at this time. Another approach maybe to read the following blog that breaks down the partners book into manageable chunks. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction You say your husband has a porn habit but you don’t say if this has been assessed or if he has explored getting help. He might be interested in this online test. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/am-i-a-sex-addict You need to look after yourself as a priority. I hope this helps a little and I am sure that others may share their experience with you. You are not alone. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted June 8, 2020 Report Share Posted June 8, 2020 Dear Freddiebear, it is not easy when you want to talk things through and your partner is not able to communicate what he is thinking or feeling. It is very common for partners to have lots of questions flying around their head. You want to know when this all started happening, why it happened and how can you stop it from happening again. It can feel VERY frustrating when you are not getting the answers that you want from your partner. The words 'I don't know', can be irritating as you would think your partner would know when they started looking at porn. However, it is common for the person with the addiction (or habit) to not know when they started. It can take some time to ascertain a timeline for the acting out behaviour. Has your husband read the partner book? This could help him to understand your feelings and reactions at this moment in time. Take care Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddiebear Posted June 8, 2020 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2020 Thank you so much for the support it really means a lot. He took the test and even when we agreed to change answers to reflect my opinion he only scored 16 and I have no reason to think he’s lying. We have both read the book and we have spoken to an appropriate therapist but I felt she was rather school mistress and spoke to him as if he was a naughty boy. I have activated parental controls on WiFi and we are taking it a day at a time. Our relationship, apart from this revelation, is amazing and we make a great team with our kids and grandkids. He really is a wonderful man and I have no doubt he is very determined to ensure we move forward but it was a huge revelation and came as a total shock to me so it’s a work in progress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted June 9, 2020 Report Share Posted June 9, 2020 Dear Freddiebear, sorry to hear the therapist was not the right fit for you both and treated your husband like he was a naughty child. That is not what we would want from our profession. Scoring 16 means that his behaviour has not developed into an addiction but his behaviour has had a negative affect on his relationship with you. You have found something out about him that you did not know. As you say this was a shock to you. You thought you knew your husband and finding out he has been looking at pornography can feel like you don't know him. There was part of him that he was keeping secret from you. There has been a betrayal of trust and this can take some time to repair. It sounds like you have a lot of positives in your relationship which will be a good foundation to repair the relationship. Try and take one day at a time. Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddiebear Posted June 26, 2020 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2020 Well almost 10 weeks after the discovery, life is continuing. We have more good days than bad but I find I don’t believe him or trust him and I have days when the most random thing causes me major anxiety. Last week it was the sight of him standing behind me in the kitchen wanting to help prepare lunch but unsure what to do. Sunday’s are particularly hard even though they represent another week passing without him regressing so could be a reason for hope mostly they represent despair of the discovery. My self esteem s at rock bottom but we are still together and hanging on.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted July 1, 2020 Report Share Posted July 1, 2020 Dear Freddiebear, it can feel like you are hanging on by your fingertips on certain days and then other days feel okay. Did you discover his behaviour on a Sunday? that may be another reason for why Sundays might be difficult? It does also sound like you are suffering from trauma symptoms and it is normal to be triggered by random things. After a big shock, our bodies can be in hypervigiliant mode for some time afterwards....waiting for the next big shock. This blog talks about how the body reacts after discovery. It might fit in with the things you are experiencing at the moment: https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/how-the-body-is-affected-following-the-discovery-of-sex-or-porn-addiction Take one day at a time and if a really bad day...take one hour at a time. Take care Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddiebear Posted August 3, 2020 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2020 15 weeks in I feel totally exhausted, negative thoughts consume my day focussed around things he’s said to me and how he treated me during his addiction and before. There’s never been violence but verbal unpleasantness and ‘jokes’ That said it’s 15 weeks into recovery which is positive. I’ve no idea how this will end, I love him so much but don’t love myself at all. That can’t be good 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted August 4, 2020 Report Share Posted August 4, 2020 Dear Freddiebear, it does sound like you could do with some extra support to help you love yourself again. I know I am constantly plugging Paula's books, but the Partner book has helped partners to rebuild their shattered self-esteem, learn how to care for themselves and to help them rebuild their lives. I think this book would help you (as well as the online workshops - which I mentioned in the other forum thread). Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted August 5, 2020 Report Share Posted August 5, 2020 Hi FreddieBear I can only emphasise what Ginny has said. The Paula Hall books, all three have helped me so much. I’ve read two of them twice as I think you see different things in them depending on where you are in your journey. My husband has read the partner one too. But he is now reading the one written for addicts and therapists and is finding this one more useful. We have started to work through the exercises in the books. However, I’m 15 months in from first discovery of porn use and contacting escorts and 6 months in from his disclosure of sex worker visits. It’s a long, painful and difficult road for sure!! I can not believe how my beautiful marriage has been turned on it’s head But you must get the right counselling for you both and your husband needs to be on board with that. It’s too hard to do all this on your own. You need to look after yourself. I know that’s hard. 15 months in and I’m still struggling to do that. I don’t sleep, I’m overwhelmed with PTSD symptoms. But I have to keep moving forwards. It’s just hard. Staying or leaving is hard! But there’s support out there and on this forum. Sending you lots of good wishes and positive thoughts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted August 5, 2020 Report Share Posted August 5, 2020 On 8/3/2020 at 7:13 PM, Freddiebear said: 15 weeks in I feel totally exhausted, negative thoughts consume my day focussed around things he’s said to me and how he treated me during his addiction and before. There’s never been violence but verbal unpleasantness and ‘jokes’ That said it’s 15 weeks into recovery which is positive. I’ve no idea how this will end, I love him so much but don’t love myself at all. That can’t be good Freddiebear I feel for you so much. It is devastating isn’t it and turns the whole of your lives together completely on its head. And you can’t see an end to it. I’m so sad that you don’t love yourself at all and really urge you to look at this. I have a therapist affiliated to the Laurel Centre and she has taught me that self love and self care is the only way to get through this- that’s the point from which we can move forward following a devastating discovery. (Mine after thirty years of marriage- Visits to escorts in my husbands case) Are there some small steps you can take to start being kinder to yourself ? Sending love x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamEnough Posted August 5, 2020 Report Share Posted August 5, 2020 I absolutely agree with Sunflower about reading the books too, they have helped both of us hugely. They are available on Kindle too if you don’t want to have a real copy lying around 🙈 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddiebear Posted August 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2020 Thank you so much, I’m having a rough day today - over the past weeks we’ve had news my sons wife no longer wants to be married or have custody of their children, my stepsons marriage is struggling , we had a car crash and now my mother is in hospital with a suspected hip fracture. I feel the weight of the world is on me and I’m not sure how much more I can take. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted August 14, 2020 Report Share Posted August 14, 2020 FreddieBear, all of that is so tough to deal with. Try to focus on one day at a time. Don’t look too far in to the future. I know we all do, but it’s not helpful at times like this. Use this forum for support. Also remember you are not there to be the support for everyone! As women, wives and mothers we try to do that all the time. You have your own struggles, so don’t take on the weight of everyone else’s pain too. Sending much love xx 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freddiebear Posted August 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2020 Thank you Sunflower, xx 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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