Constantly checking past affair social media pages

[dews]

Hi everyone! I discovered that my partner is a SA on new year this year because one of the girl contacted me and I discovered her full name. Long story short, since then, I would check her social media pages every other day which leads to random unnecessary argument with my partner and I’m getting tired of it after 5 months arguing and questioning the same things all over again.

How do I stop the urge to check her pages? I know it only opens up old wound but I get so tempted whenever I have free time. Blocking does nothing because I just unblock her whenever I want. Any suggestions?  I wish I could magically forget her name.

 

 

 

[John D]

Hi Dews,

Thank you for your post. It does seem like a long and exhausting experience for you, having to deal with this contact of your partner. Maybe you could ask your self " what is the positive benefit for me to keep track of her activity on social media"? Also be aware of what has being going on for you during the day just before you feel the need to check up on her? Is ytour partner aware of your need to check up on this girl?

I hope this helps.

[dews]

Hi John,

Yes he knows, although I don’t always tell him every single time. Sometimes things can be really nice between us for a couple of days or a week then checking up her social media just makes me want to argue with him.  Picking up a fight when things are good has always been my problem since before, so the discovery just making it worse. 

I’m very much aware nothing good comes out of it and always feel the need to check up on her page when I’m bored. I’ll try to keep myself distracted or do something else when bored.  Thanks for your advice!

[Firefly]

Hi Dews. Welcome to the Forum. You are not alone and I would like to bring to your attention the following post as it may also be helpful to read about others experiences:-

Is your partner getting help for his SA at this difficult time?

Take care and look after yourself.

[stillinlove]

Hi there! I have a very similar problem. As I know the socialmedia name of the one real affair besides the as I now know well hidden porn addiction that startet when my partner was about 15 years old. First I had to find out about the affair. More than a year later I found out about the porn abuse and the escort visits all in one night. All of them as well as the affair happened while we endured a long distance phase in our relationship.  

I still visit the social media page - long story short: it is not making me happy. 

It feels like I am an addict in some sort too. 

Edited May 21, 2020 by stillinlove

[Sunflower]

Hi Dews and StillinLove 

i have seen your post as Firefly linked it to mine. Firstly I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it is an exhausting and debilitating experience. I know it won’t help stop your thoughts and checking, but it is normal. You have experienced a trauma. Your constant checking is you trying to reassure yourself and find emotional safety.  The wanting to argue is your anger.  Which of course is justified. Are you having any counselling? I’ve had a long and staggered disclosure. My worst fears were confirmed in February, so I feel like I’m back in the early days of trauma. I obsess constantly about my husband’s visits to a prostitute during our 21 years together. It’s horrible. I am having therapy and having EMDR therapy. But I feel it’s a very long road ahead. I also agree that it feels like we have been given an addiction! But we can do things to reduce our pain. Checking this woman’s social media won’t make you feel any better. Maybe when you get that urge to look, you can journal your thoughts instead. Out of your head and on to paper helps. Then put it away somewhere for a while.  Or maybe talking to your partner about how you’re feeling at that moment. Would he support you by talking and reassuring you? Maybe have a think about what you think might help you. Remember you’re not alone xxx