Tina86 Posted May 2, 2020 Report Share Posted May 2, 2020 I have been with a sex addict for 15 years but only really arrived at the conclusion in the past few weeks. There have been many discovered infidelities and bad habits (websites, sexting, meeting for sex). When found out I have confronted my partner but only got truth in respect of that particular girl. The true scale has only come to light in the past few weeks that this has been a systemic problem for our entire relationship and he has slept with more than 20 girls. For the past 3 years the key addiction behaviour has stopped and he hasn't been on dating sites etc and has felt better however he has recognised that in times of low mood/depression he will seek out old flames from that time and pursue validation from them to feel better and ends up sleeping with them and returns to the addictive behaviour for a period of a few weeks/months. He knows he needs to break the cycle and has managed with some behaviours on his own but is now seeking help from a 12 step programme and hopefully a counsellor after this lockdown. We are very early stages so he is commited to the meetings and is in the mindset that he wants to get better and will do whatever it takes. Issue: My issue is how do i cope? I am trying desperately to understand but I'm so hurt and pained by the scale and lengths of his deception. The last infidelity was with a family friend who we seen quite a lot which has made his fantasy world seem like it has crossed into our real lives. He admits these girls are an escape and he doesn't see it as real. In his head she is just like the others but for me she symbolises much more. I haven't began to think about our long term relationship as I have said at the moment we both just need help to get through this and can then evaluate where we are at. At the moment I am getting drip disclosures (Which I'm grateful for in some respects as he is finally admitting the truth) but its hard when the drip disclosures contradict things he has said in the weeks/days before. Just as I feel like I'm drawing a line to start dealing with it more stuff comes out. He's also admitted there is more stuff but he's not quite ready to reveal all yet as he doesn't want to hurt me (which they do each time). I've tried to say it hurts more in this way and i would prefer for him ti just say it all but he's just not ready. It's torture. Is anyone else in this boat and does it get better???? I am fearful this is pushing me further away and I just don't have the strength to continue on this path of support and cleansing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted May 2, 2020 Report Share Posted May 2, 2020 Tina, So very sorry to hear your pain which is shared by so many partners of addicts as you will see reading other partners posts. The blogs shown below are a good place to start and I am sure you will get support from being on the forum as well. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina86 Posted May 2, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2020 Thank you Firefly it is much appreciated. I've ordered Paula's partners book. I'm hoping I can get strategies from there x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted May 3, 2020 Report Share Posted May 3, 2020 On 5/2/2020 at 8:00 AM, Tina86 said: The last infidelity was with a family friend who we seen quite a lot which has made his fantasy world seem like it has crossed into our real lives. He admits these girls are an escape and he doesn't see it as real. Hi Tina, I keep coming back to this paragraph. For many years I had a second life (fantasy world) and did not think it impacted on “real life”! It took me a long time to realise that my second life DID impact on real life and was a cognitive distortion on my part. The impact on partners is the same whether it is a second life or real life... I hope that helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina86 Posted May 3, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2020 I appreciate your honesty Firefly. I don't actually know of anybody who is in the same boat as my partner so it's difficult to find the answers or understanding that you are looking for without forums like this. My partner has a number of reasons why he says he does it some of which are easier to hear "low self esteem and self worth", the feeling of not being good enough for me and then seeking someone to make him feel better. But there are also addictive elements that he has admitted like it's a game, it's all about the chase, feeling a sense of achievement to bed them. As time goes on im realising there isn't a specific reason. I just think it has become the normal learned behaviour that he uses to cope with life. I hope you are now at a good place on your journey Firefly you sound like you are which is reassuring! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted May 4, 2020 Report Share Posted May 4, 2020 Dear Tina, thank you for sharing your story. It is a very difficult place to be when you know that you don't know the whole story from your partner. Your imagination can go into hyper drive wondering what these things could be that he is not able to tell you yet. There will be a lot of shame and guilt which will be holding him back from telling you everything. Also a huge amount of fear wondering, if you can still love him when you know everything and will you stay. There is not a definite moment, when the partner 'should' know everything. As you will read in Paula's book, the first step in rebuilding the relationship, is in fact, rebuilding yourself. You cannot control or cure your partner's addiction (you also did not cause it). However, the thing you can control is your own healing journey from the trauma of discovery. Firefly has pointed you towards the partner blogs that will help you find your anchor. Paula's partner book will also help. If you are able, then seeing a trained sex addiction therapist can also help you. The therapist can help you work out with you when would be the best time for a full therapeutic disclosure. This disclosure can be painful but also a positive and healing step forward for the couple. However, healing work needs to be done for yourself first as well as your partner working on his own recovery. It is really encouraging that he is attending a 12 step group. Try and take one day at a time. Take care Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted May 5, 2020 Report Share Posted May 5, 2020 Hi Ginny. Jumping in on this feed, I would like to ask a question that may also help Tina. You talked about healing first and rebuilding trust. I’m really struggling to do that without a therapeutic disclosure ( which is on hold due to the current Covid situation). I feel I am terrified to try and heal and deal with what I know. Then I have to possibly face new information. That would just take me right back to the beginning. If I’m to try and work through this and commit to my husband, I need to know all of him before I make that decision. That was denied me when we first met and for the 21 years that we’ve been together. Is this a common feeling amongst partners? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted May 6, 2020 Report Share Posted May 6, 2020 Dear Sunflower, yes it is a very common feeling among partners. They want to know everything before they can decide if they want to stay in the relationship. In a sense they put a wall to help them stop being further hurt. They don't want to take the wall down until they know everything. This is completely understandable. The world they knew has been shattered. The healing part I refer to is focussing on self-care for yourself - regardless of what happens to the relationship. It is rebuilding the broken self so you have enough strength to move forward. In Paula's couple book, she refers to a ship wreak, and each individual needs to grab their life jacket and swim to safety before they can think about salvaging the relationship. A therapeutic disclosure is generally done after the couple have done a bit of individual work (swimming to safety). I am sorry to hear that your therapeutic disclosure has been put on hold until the restrictions are lifted. That is not easy, as partners often feel they cannot move forward with the relationship until the therapeutic disclosure has been completed. The therapeutic disclosure is an opportunity to draw a line in the sand, trusting that you now have all the information you need to make a decision to stay or leave. Hope the above helps. If you need me to further expand, please let me know. All the best Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina86 Posted May 6, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2020 I don't know if it helps Sunflower but my partner is wanting to tell me the truth and has been but he isn't able mentally to get it out in one go. The result has been very painful revelations sometimes randomly in the middle of the day. Even now there is still some detail I am without. This can be soul destroying and I've had a few wobbles when lies have been found out. I think I now just accept that he does lie and I can usually tell. I don't know if this is the right approach but I have taken the view I need to be in a position where I can cope ....just for me. I'm not even thinking about our future I just need to focus on what has happened gain comfort in what I have learned about myself and look to the future with my partner or without him. My actual view right now is I am preparing for a life without him I feel I have to do that in order to move forward so i am not in a lose lose scenario. If he works out his addiction, his triggers and coping strategies great but if not I haven't lost anything as I am at peace with being on my own. I have found this approach has massively improved my outlook on things. There are lots of tough days but I think if you focus on you, you are capable of much more than you think xxxx 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted May 6, 2020 Report Share Posted May 6, 2020 Thank you Ginny and Tina. That’s really useful. My husband had told me he has shared all. I think he has, but he lied with his disclosure before. So this makes me scared. I’ve had a long and difficult disclosure, taking nine months! So the worst info was told only three months ago. I think I am just back in the early stages again. But I do know I need to focus on me. Easier on some days than others. I appreciate your comments. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina86 Posted May 6, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2020 Sunflower one of the things I will say as I have also faced incomplete or not full disclosures or even bare lies. Sometimes it's not the actual disclosure that hurts but supporting statements that have been made to reassure me that then turn out to be untrue. Things like "there have been no more since then", "I've been ok the past x months and not done anything" "I only did it once with this person". I have realised all these statements have been made from his own conscience in an attempt to downplay what he has done and avoid further pain. This isn't out of a desire to deceive or hold on to the past....it's about deep shame and seeing that they have caused you pain but not wanting to add further pain. My partner knows now after a vicious cycle of repeating these drips for a few weeks that they are painful and is therefore trying to be as open as he can. We have started with me writing questions too now so he has time to think about the answer. Sometimes he lies not because he wants to but because he gets put on the spot. That's just my experience xx 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted May 9, 2020 Report Share Posted May 9, 2020 Thanks Tina. There is definitely shame there! I think because I was told several times I’d been told everything and then discovered I hadn’t been, it’s so hard to trust. I think they block things out so well in order to live this double life, that they truly take time to remember. It is so suppressed. I was also told that they are acting out in such a heightened state of a ‘high’, that this affects memory too. I guess a drug addict or alcoholic does this. I just find it so hard to imagine how you could forget such things! I think you are right about being put on the spot. The ‘deer in the head lights’. They just freeze. I hope with therapy we can all work through this. I hope you move positively forwards. X 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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