Sunflower Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 If only somebody could tell me when the obsessive thoughts of my husband with a sex worker and what they did, will stop. They invade my life daily and I’m so exhausted and traumatised by these visions 😢. Sadly I know there’s no magic wand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 I wish I could be Harry Potter, but as you say there is no magic wand 😳. I know from other posts that you do focus on the positives and looking forward, and can only urge you to continue to do this for your own sanity; as looking back obsessively will keep you in the past. You might like to think about the act as a transaction to get a fix as I am sure that is all it was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted May 1, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 Thank you Firefly. I do try to focus on the positives. I researched and read so much on SA and I still am learning. I did say to my husband that from a theoretical point of view, I can rationalise it all. But of course, I’m a wife in deep shock and pain and that takes time to recover from. Your quote of a transaction to get a fix is helpful. It’s not like an affair. I do realise it’s the betrayal that is the hardest to accept. But addiction doesn’t care about that, or anyone. I’m working hard to see that the addiction is not the man I love. I know it will take time, therapy and building communication between us. I am finding this forum a great support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A_struggling_partner Posted May 2, 2020 Report Share Posted May 2, 2020 I’m in a similar position - though in the daytimes I’m pretty good as distracting myself and focusing on the ways in which my partner’s strengths and the ways he is making progress. But late at night and early in the morning I get visited by imagining the betrayals and thoughts of how could be possibly treat me like this and put my health/life in so much danger if he is supposed to love me. It’s really difficult to fit all of the information into one person. I also worry that if I focus too much on the positives I am colluding with the ‘perfect’ persona when I feel like the key to things becoming different is him accepting and integrating the different parts - good and bad - to become a whole person who has genuine control over themself. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina86 Posted May 2, 2020 Report Share Posted May 2, 2020 I am someone in the same boat. The knowledge I gain becomes obsessive and I find myself with each revelation looking up the person with whom my partner has had an affair (this can continue for years later so I know I haven't truly got over it). The only solace I can take from the whole thing is that my partner has entered into so many of these fantasy relationships (sometimes multiple at the same time) that rationally I know it's never really about the particular girl. I may obsess over her but he doesn't really, he is obsessed over the feeling he gets from the messages and the feeling of validation. When push comes to shove he soon drops them like a discarded piece of rubbish. It is the feeling of validation and being wanted which he is addicted to and the moment one of these girls becomes too "normal" or routine he can't deal with the guilt or the turmoil of their increasing feelings and gently trys to fob them off or allows it to fizzle out. One thing I have accepted from this scenario is that I need closure on looking back. It isn't healthy for my mental health it feeds my insecurities and causes me to question my whole life and existence. My focus over the next few weeks is going to be looking forward and focussing on the positives of now. My partner today isn't the same one of a few years ago who wouldn't acknowledge a problem. We are at least one step further forward than before. I feel your pain and wish for all of us that it wasn't so consuming but hopefully these insights will make you feel that you aren't alone as I sometimes feel xxx 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted May 5, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2020 Thank you Tina. It certainly helps to hear other partners share their feelings. You are right about it damaging our mental health. I question everything now! How could I have absolutely no clue, no idea that this was going on? It’s hard to put that aside as it is hard to put aside the betrayal. Sometimes I feel that I will never recover from it. I have such a deep sense of loss! But you are right in that we have to look to the future. If we don’t do that, then there’s really no point in continuing in the relationship. But our addicted partners have their part to play too. They have to show us that change is happening, and with complete openness and honesty. I have found the Paula Hall books crucial to my understanding of SA and I think they will play an important part in our recovery.... 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaykay Posted May 12, 2020 Report Share Posted May 12, 2020 I obsess too. I was learning not to with therapy with a lady from Laurel but since lockdown it's stopped. I've lost any skills I learnt and get triggered and worry everyday. Sorry you're feeling like this. Its torture x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted May 12, 2020 Report Share Posted May 12, 2020 Indeed Kaykay the current “lockdown” is adding another layer of stress. It’s like an imposed “lockup” which is outside your control, so it’s understandable really. Sunflower has made some really good points to consider and can I point you to the Partner Support section further down the bottom of this page: - https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/starting-soon Maybe you could have another audio call or Zoom with your therapist lady to help you. Look after yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted May 12, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2020 Yes Kaykay. I’m having a really bad patch. Cant stop picturing in my mind what he may have done. I fight everyday not to ask for details. But the anxiety makes me feel physically ill. Feel very angry too. Very difficult while in lock down. Firefly, it does feel like being locked up! I appreciate this is hard for my partner too! I am having my therapy online. I wasn’t sure how it would work but it’s been a lifeline. I’m also having EMDR and I didn’t think it was feasible, but it is possible. Kay Kay, would your therapist consider online therapy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaykay Posted May 12, 2020 Report Share Posted May 12, 2020 Thanks firefly I'll take a look. I did think I may have to do online therapy. It's getting too much. I just feel so hurt by the lies and deceit. I sit and think will I ever get over it. Will I ever not worry. Will I ever not second guess. I feel really stressed and anxious about it today. I've started to think what have I gotten myself into. Having a baby with a man who suffers with addiction. But he's such a good man. Like he treats me like a queen. We've had no acting out for about 18 months and not even any physical cheating at all. But it was up until January this year stuff was still coming out and I feel there is more. Which I thought would come out in therapy. I'm sick of how much its affected my self esteem. How unattractive I feel at times. I'm angry and bitter. How do you find emdr therapy? It's something I've considered. Thank you. I feel less alone x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunflower Posted May 12, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2020 Oh my heart goes out to you Kaykay. I’m sending you a virtual hug. The EMDR feels strange. I’m in the early stages of it. It does help but I’m finding it’s effects don’t last. But I think it’s more effective the more you have. I’m willing to try anything. It’s so awful to feel such pain isn’t it. Please try to get online therapy if you can. You are not alone x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaykay Posted May 12, 2020 Report Share Posted May 12, 2020 Thank you. Yes. I'm going to look into therapy with the therapist we were seeing before. I may do the zoom group partner therapy too. I think I should read my partner book again too. It's hard isn't it. Noone else really gets it. Noone else can really fathom just how much trauma it causes and how deeply it seeps into your life, self and relationship. I know with support and management I'll be fine. A big hug to you too x 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted May 13, 2020 Report Share Posted May 13, 2020 Dear Kaykay, It is really horrible having the lockdown and not being able to access the normal support network. I hope you manage to get connected with your counsellor again. If you can't manage online work, they might be able to offer you phone counselling instead. Some of my clients chat to me in their cars, as they can't find a private space in the home. I hope you are finding the forum a support too. Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dews Posted May 21, 2020 Report Share Posted May 21, 2020 Hi Sunflower! Saw your post because it’s linked to my topic. I’m sorry you have to go through this. The obsessive thoughts are really driving us crazy! Reading what you guys shared has helped me a lot. I’m trying to absorb everything and want to thank you guys for sharing. What Tina86 said sums up what happened to me and what I feel. He had 2 affairs, some hook ups, and loads of online girls. I discovered one of the woman’s social media whom he had an affair with and I can’t stop checking up on it. I don’t even care about the others, as I have no information about them and luckily I don’t know! But I already know everything about her; full name, age, work, her husband (yes she’s married), etc. I’m in constant worry because she seems to be more “special” than the others. I have to remind myself that my partner and I want to fix our relationship, not with her. i have been in shock and feeling numb for 5 months since discovery and didn’t think I need help. It only hit me hard this month and I could only brave my self to post online last night. So sad that it took me this long to realise that I need help. I will take baby steps to get help during this lockdown, it’s extra hard now. To everyone reading this, you’re not alone x 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiLin Posted June 1, 2020 Report Share Posted June 1, 2020 Hi all, everything you say is so familiar to me. I found out a load of stuff yesterday that I had been suspecting for around two-three years. I am completely numb and terrified. Yes - whoever said he is the sweetest and most intelligent man, it makes no sense. yes to whoever said they are obsessive and want to know every detail. I feel exactly the same. I have been asking for more information and connection from him for well over a year and every time he has lied and said I have a problem and i need help. Until yesterday. We've just bought a house together and have been married three years. I have just contacted my GP for some sleeping pills. He cries and cries and begs me to stay. The thing that hurts most is not the infidelity but the gaslighting. I have been in pain for years thinking I was mad and insecure. I feel all of what you're saying so deeply. x 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted June 1, 2020 Report Share Posted June 1, 2020 Hi TiLin, Welcome to the Forum. So sorry to hear your pain. If you have not already read it, this blog is very helpful as a start. https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk/blog/the-partners-journey-through-sex-addiction You need to look after yourself as a priority. I hope this helps a little and I am sure that many others will / have shared their experience. You are not alone. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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